I can’t tell you how many times I have gotten into an argument with a friend or family member. I am talking the kind of arguments where feelings get hurt and words that cut like knives. The kind of fighting where both end up hurting and nothing is figured out.
To me it is truly amazing how much words can hurt. It certainly doesn’t take much. Sometimes these arguments start out as simple disagreements but then get into huge ongoing fights. Then you get so into using the right words and the right tactics that you forget what it was that you disagreed about in the first place. Then it usually ends up…who’s fault is it? Is it yours? Is it mine?
God says in Ecclesiastes 10:12; “Wise words bring approval, but fools are destroyed by their own words.”
I was reading something that a friend of mine gave me the other day that was talking about words. It was actually about tactics that people use to figure out fault. Let me give you a few examples:
The person shifts the blame or focus by using attempts to confuse you, points out others’ faults, builds self up by putting others down, makes a big scene over something minor, accuses others of misunderstanding, uses anger as a weapon to control others, argues over “words” to avoid the real issue, and puts others on defense by embarrassing them.
When a person uses words to try to confuse or argues over the wording, it seems like the focus goes then onto the other person. That other person gets the blame without even knowing what it was that caused the whole thing. They didn’t see it coming.
Our words can build up a great friendship or destroy the best of one. Then the broken friendship becomes a distraction. But it’s God’s amazing love for us that should remind us how we should treat our friends and what to do when we get into hurtful arguments that leave us feeling like we’ve been mistreated.
1 Peter 4:8 “Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.”
When you really love someone the same way Jesus loves us eventually whatever you and your friend argued about becomes less and less important because your friendship is VERY important.
Sometimes people just outgrow the other person. They are at a different point in their life. I can see this in my life. Years ago when I was first diagnosed with dissociative disorder, I scoured the net for a group to join so that I didn’t feel all alone. I found a group. It was awesome. The ladies in this group were welcoming and so very understanding. Ten years later, I find myself still a part of this group. I am not where I was 10 years ago by any means. I mean, the beginning of August we are celebrating a year free from being hospitalized at all for any mental health issues. I have totally turned the corner on who I am and where I want to be. But I still belong to this group. I have grown close to these women.
This week a member that had been there for many years decided it was time for her to leave the group. She felt she had gotten to a point where she had outgrown the need for that much support. It was time for her to try out her own wings and fly solo, so to speak. She is doing great. She is doing all the things that she wants to be doing. She is functioning and doing well. She is able to take care of her family and fury babies too. It’s amazing to see her “fly”.
In that sense, I also went through a kind of change of sorts. I had a friendship that totally went to pieces. (Read a couple prior posts). Though now we are speaking to each other, I still feel a bit on guard. I chose my words wisely. I don’t want to walk on egg shells around my friend….and I won’t. I will continue to say what I mean and mean what I say. I still will not apologize for how I feel.
I have this short message from a book by Melody Beattie who is an awesome author of many many books. This is from one of her daily devotions books.
Moving Forward June 11
Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called recovery. We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward. We don’t have to wit for those we love to decide to change as well.
Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change. We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffereing because we cannot recover for them. We doesn’t need to suffer wit them.
It doesn’t help.
It doesn’t help for us to stay stuck just because someone we love is stuck. The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.
Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while other seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We’re accountable for ourselves, They’re accountable for themselves. We let them go, and let ourselves grow.
So with that being said, I am accountable only for myself, my words, my actions, my reactions, and growth. I realize there are many people who are where I used to be. But I can’t make it any easier for them.
God has given me everything I need. He has provided everything that I need at this time. More money and time would be nice, but I am very ok with what I have. I have found a sense of contentment. Despite the things that aren’t the way I WANT them to be in my life.
According to Jeremiah 29:11-14 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.t I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”