I have been kinda bummed today. I woke up feeling like something was missing. I came out to the computer thinking maybe I would find some sort of inspiration if not a smile or two. My email was full of other peoples’ blogs that I am following….read them…some inspiring, some just kinda silly. A smile. It was about 8:30am and I decided “heck, I am going to head over to Cedar Valley church”. Showered and changed, hair done etc. Out the door by 9:30. As I drive into the huge parking lot, I see some physical changes of the church since I haven’t been there in awhile. It still is an awesome church. I walk in, no one at the door (like there used to be). I walk casually down the hallway/entrance way. No one says hello. No one looks my direction. The feeling in the air is weird. I see a few folks that I remember from a year ago or so when I attended more often. Still no one says a word to me. I just smile and say good morning. I keep walking. No one. I enter the sanctuary, look around to figure out where I want to sit. I aim for the middle. Sounds good to me. As I sit, one man comes over to me. He is someone I have seen there before. I remember his wedding that took place last year at the church. He says good morning and asks me how I am. I smile and respond, also thanking him for the paper he handed me. On his way to welcome others. I sit. Sit. Sit. Waiting patiently, thinking, this is weird for people to just not greet one another much. Soon the band is up on the stage playing some good beats. Paul is playing drums today. That was odd to me cuz usually he is in front singing. His kids and Julia (I think it was her sister), sat in front of me. Nice folks. Singing praises. New gal leading the music. Cool. I can handle that. Then come Pastor Eric. He is a bold man of Christ. I love listening to him speak. He always seems to have words that are spot on for me. Today….”Can you hear me now?”….the last of that series. He gets excited when he speaks. Reminds me of Pastor Craig. You can tell when they are passionate about what they are speaking about when they start talking faster. It’s cool. You gotta keep up tho….
Keeping up…… I am not doing very well in that area of life. Keeping up with people, places, things. Well, maybe I am and I just don’t feel it yet. I mean I have caught up with camp friends, Waldorf friends, Kansas friends, ISU friends, and UNI friends….on facebook. I wouldn’t trade catching up with these folks for nothin. I am happy they are back in my life. Some are still the great and fun people I once knew, others have grown “stiff, unwavering, cynical”. What about me? How am I coming across these days? I hope people know that I have overcome a (excuse the expression) huge ass hurdle in my life. I am finally feeling normal. Whatever normal maybe. I feel good. I feel alive. I feel happy. Content. But am I keeping up? Who I am judging myself against now?
My head isn’t keeping up with my body now. I know in my head what I want to look like or what the surgery is supposed to be doing. I don’t think my body agrees yet. I don’t see the changes I was hoping for. It’s only 18 days out from surgery and I feel like I should be doing more. My brain is telling me that I need to look this way or that. But my eyes don’t see it. Sure the scale numbers are going down some….not enough? I don’t know what I am supposed to be feeling right now. Maybe I am not supposed to be anything. It’s life. Something I just need to adjust to. I know I don’t like feeling like I am not keeping up. I know I don’t like feeling in limbo either.
another finding on FB today. I need to read this everyday!!
I do not define myself by how many roadblocks have appeared in my path.
I define myself by the courage I’ve found to forge new roads.
I do not define myself by how many disappointments I’ve faced.
I define myself by the forgiveness and the faith I have found to begin again.
I do not define myself by how long a relationship lasted.
I define myself by how much I have loved, and been willing to love again.
I do not define myself by how many times I have been knocked down.
I define myself by how many times I have struggled to my feet.
I am not my pain.
I am not my past.
I am that which has emerged from the fire……
By: Live Laugh Love
It’s amazing what you find sometimes when you aren’t looking. I am back on my feet again. Gotta get my brain in sync again. I am sure it will come. I am sure that I am doing just fine. I am doing my best. I am moving forward. I am loving, living, and laughing. What more can I ask for?
Gonna end this post with a quote from Eckhart Tolle.
Whether or not you are engaged in a lot of “doing” in your life, “being”
is primary. If you lose touch with being, you lose yourself in your
mind, you lose yourself in doing, and you won’t do any good for anybody,