Do you ever feel like you are the beginning of a new phase in your life? Again? Seems life is full of beginnings and endings. I think I blogged about this before, but here I am again with it.
I am two and a half weeks out from the VGS surgery. I feel really weird. I don’t know if that is a good term or not for it, but I will go with it for now. My body is going through all these changes. Morphing into a new body, new way of seeing myself physically. I was walking to the WRC (Wellness and Rec Center) at UNI yesterday. I saw my reflection in the glass doors. I still didn’t like what I saw there. I still look frumpy and fat. Even tho when I weighed this morning, another 3 pounds gone. It’s strange how the pounds seem to be coming off, but the feeling or how I look at my body is still the same as before the surgery. Friends have said my face looks thinner. Ok, I may buy into that one. But, why not the rest of my body?
I am tired. Been tired for the past 4 days. I am thinking maybe I should give my doc a jingle. But part of me is really scared to do that. Why? I don’t know. I don’t wanna be sick. Sick as in my blood levels being out of whack. I don’t wanna take more supplements, vitamins. Can’t they just shoot them into me with a shot of some sort? I started back on the water pill. The edema is finally gone from my feet and legs. They don’t feel like heavy logs anymore. Maybe that is what is messing me up again.
I took my laundry over to the “laundromat” at the office. I had to park in the lot as the maintenance guys are here and won’t let anyone up pull up to the sidewalk. So, I carried my load of laundry to the door. I was amazed that I wasn’t out of breath. My legs/knees didn’t hurt as bad. Maybe something is happening. Maybe I am feeling it happen, this changing in my body. I know I can’t run yet, but maybe someday. I see the orthopedic doc tomorrow. I wonder what he will say. He was the first doctor that ever said to me, “ever consider weight loss surgery?” And that was on the first day that I meet the guy. How nice??
I called Angie this morning. Left a message. Called Dr. J too. Why? I haven’t talked to him in ages. I suppose I just feel the need to let him know all these changes as well. People ask me now, how much weight have you lost? I am not keeping track that much…well more so now so that I can answer people. I hate it when numbers are so important. I don’t even know what my goal weight is supposed to be. I never asked Dr. LaMasters. Weird huh? I don’t really know or want to know. I just want to lose and feel better. I want to buy clothes in a real store. I want people to notice the changes. Is that conceited? People know me as the fat girl. I was the fat girl in high school. You know you are fat when you play volleyball and they have to find a different uniform cuz they don’t have sizes big enough for you. But I weighed 189 pounds in high school. And that was considered fat? Geesh, take a look at me now and I must be gigantic? I don’t think so. How many other tags that were stuck on me? They are probably numerous and I don’t want to hash them out now.
Back to finding this a new beginning. The “old” me needs to end. The old tapes, old messages from others. I have been trying and trying to be positive. I post so many positive quotes and bible passages on my facebook. Not necessarily for others to read, but I need to see them. I need to soak them in. Maybe it’s a way of faking out my brain from the old stuff into the new.
God is in the business of bringing dead things to life.
God doesn’t get fired up about failure….He gets fired up when somebody’s failure is bigger than their faith.
Faith is the conviction of things unseen. – Dr. Henry Cloud