worn out

I have had enough of pain today.  I went to class at 11 and came home because I can’t sit for that long (today).  Even sitting here writing is challenging today.  I hooked up my little mini laptop and take it with me when I lay down so I can continue to write.  This is ridiculous!!!  I broke down (again) and took another pain pill.  I hate taking pills.  even my regular meds are becoming very hard to take.

The tears keep coming.  It’s pain.  Physical, emotional and even spiritual.  It has nothing to do with the weight loss or surgery but yet it has everything to do with it as it’s my body changing inside (hormones, blood levels, etc).  Ang told me today that I need to think of myself as I was when I was pregnant.  All the hormones and blood levels are changing, which is causing me to be a mess.

Rain has been making my life hell since Sunday.  The weather wrecks havoc on my body too.  I have made a few phone calls to some alternative medicine folks.  I know I need to get back to being centered and balanced.  I have let the busy-ness of every day get me.  I am more a human doing right now than a human being.  I hate this.  I talked with an old friend yesterday and he gave me the name and number of a person that does healing touch.  I don’t have the money to be doing this alternative medicine stuff, but regular medicine is NOT working!!  I am sick of pills.  I am sick of injections of different sorts.  Something’s gotta give.

I pray.  I have been praying.  I turn this over to God, but my humanness, I take it back again and again.  It sounds like such an easy thing to do…..but why do I take all this crap back and try to fix it on my own?

My brain is running like a million miles an hour today.  I want to be better.  I want to live better.  I don’t make much sense when I get like this.  I apologize to whomever is reading today.

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