stop!

the tears keep falling.  no matter how much or how much i try to tell myself otherwise.  posting funnies on facebook and things like that.  things that seem funny, but hurt a bit too, ya know what i mean?  kinda of like a dig into the seriousness of the situation.  yeah, that.  my soul is so tired.  my body is so tired.

i haven’t been following the rules.  i haven’t been drinking 40 mg of protein a day.  or eating that much either.  i haven’t taken my vitamins in over a week.  or my other meds that are too big.  i cut them down into pieces i can swallow, but they make me sick.  i get all pukey feeling and queasy.  i take my ativan.  i take the purple pill for the stomach acid stuff.  i take my night med to help me sleep.   by 5-6pm at night, i haven’t taken the others.  i toss them in the garbage.  the are too big to take.  they get stuck and i get sick again.

i know i am not eating right.  i know i am probably not eating much of anything that is supposed to be good for me.  except my ice water.  that i know i get.  everything is making me sick-ish.  i don’t want to go back to the doctor.  i am sick of doctors at the moment.

katey was here this weekend.  she got sick.  throwing up, coughing, not eating, temp well over 101 for  a time.  spent hours in the doctors offices.  she has strep and ear infection.  took them 2 days to figure out what was going on with her.  she cried and cried.  i held her in my arms, as much as i could for her being 8 years old and lanky tall.  she’s not my baby girl anymore.  we cried together.  i couldn’t fix it.  i hate being away from her a majority of the time.  i don’t know how to make it better.  we layed in bed together….on the couch snuggled up together.  but I couldn’t fix it.  when we meet up with mom this afternoon, i just wanted to cry.  I’m the mom, but my sick girl is going home with grandma.  what good am i?  will i be the next sick one again.  i haven’t gotten over the other stuff yet.  damn this stuff.  am i just not good enough yet?

no where in the bible does it say that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.  if you find that verse…..send it to me.  i don’t believe it exists.  God gives us stuff to handle so that we will come to Him and let Him help us to handle it.  I wish He didn’t trust me so much.

not taking meds right, not eating right, sick kid, sick me, excessive tiredness, can’t catch up, exams this week, written assignments this week, old boyfriend knockin on the back door…..something’s gotta give.  priorities this week:  watch for them in writing tomorrow morning!!!!

 

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