more stuff about weight loss

it’s been approximately 11 weeks since surgery.  almost 12.  weight loss as of last friday…..45.6 pounds.

i have to be honest….it’s not easy.  it’s not a quick fix.  it’s not even a walk in the park.  this is has to be the hardest thing i have done, next to going through treatment.

i am able to eat pretty much whatever i want.  my intake is really limited.  i don’t eat much at all.  but, i am still making poor food choices.  something needs to change.  it’s like i need to overhaul my brain.  my brain still thinks that eating small amounts of whatever i want is ok.  yeah, portion control is a big thing.  surgery puts an abrupt halt on overeating, unless i want to feel completely sick.

i need time.  more time in a day to research and write what it is that i need to do.  maybe make a list of better foods than what i am already eating.

then we have the holidays coming up.  this is gonna suck.  my mother is the most awesome cook and baker i know.  plus i love to bake too.  speaking of, i bought all the stuff i need to make the pumpkin spider cheesecake for the office on Monday for Halloween.  rah.  i need to buy a spring pan tho.  I thought i had one, guess not.

i feel like i have totally lost myself lately.  i need to get to class.  i need to study.  i went to the graduation advisor….got my report…I am still on for graduating in May.  Thank goodness.  but i feel so lost and far behind.  i am freakin 40 years old and just getting my BA now.  then what?  i have no clue where i am going or what i am going to do.  where can i find a job?  i need to get out of here….Waterloo/Cedar Falls area.  part of me wants to move further away….part of me wants to move back to minnesota.  i need/want to get K back too.  need to get a hold of a good lawyer.  but i have no money.  dont’ know how that is going to work.  shit.

i cry a lot now.  my emotions are all over the place.  hormones are crazy since surgery.  i wish my body would just adjust already and let me continue without a hitch.

i don’t know.

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