it’s been approximately 11 weeks since surgery. almost 12. weight loss as of last friday…..45.6 pounds.
i have to be honest….it’s not easy. it’s not a quick fix. it’s not even a walk in the park. this is has to be the hardest thing i have done, next to going through treatment.
i am able to eat pretty much whatever i want. my intake is really limited. i don’t eat much at all. but, i am still making poor food choices. something needs to change. it’s like i need to overhaul my brain. my brain still thinks that eating small amounts of whatever i want is ok. yeah, portion control is a big thing. surgery puts an abrupt halt on overeating, unless i want to feel completely sick.
i need time. more time in a day to research and write what it is that i need to do. maybe make a list of better foods than what i am already eating.
then we have the holidays coming up. this is gonna suck. my mother is the most awesome cook and baker i know. plus i love to bake too. speaking of, i bought all the stuff i need to make the pumpkin spider cheesecake for the office on Monday for Halloween. rah. i need to buy a spring pan tho. I thought i had one, guess not.
i feel like i have totally lost myself lately. i need to get to class. i need to study. i went to the graduation advisor….got my report…I am still on for graduating in May. Thank goodness. but i feel so lost and far behind. i am freakin 40 years old and just getting my BA now. then what? i have no clue where i am going or what i am going to do. where can i find a job? i need to get out of here….Waterloo/Cedar Falls area. part of me wants to move further away….part of me wants to move back to minnesota. i need/want to get K back too. need to get a hold of a good lawyer. but i have no money. dont’ know how that is going to work. shit.
i cry a lot now. my emotions are all over the place. hormones are crazy since surgery. i wish my body would just adjust already and let me continue without a hitch.
i don’t know.