Had therapy today and was talking to Adam about K and the incident in school yesterday. Being sent to the principal’s office and her tears and “I need a hug”. etc. She has been and continues to want to do things her way or the highway. She wants to feel control and not let others control her. She is 8 years old. How much control do you give an 8 year old? I cried….well tears just streamed down my face. Feeling embarrassed and shame for what I have done or not done to help her. With her living at mom’s, there isn’t much I can do right now. We talked about getting all the legal stuff turned around and getting her to come to me. It’s going to take time and energy on my part. I have a lot of work to do. I know I can do it. I will do it. I am also glad that my mom is in agreement that K needs to be home with me. I am sure the judge and advocates want to make sure that I am stable emotionally and physically and all that before they overturn all the past judgement on me. I know I have lots to prove in that arena. I do have professionals who will back me up when it comes to all this. People who know me and will go to bat. So that is a plus for me. I hope I don’t fall to pieces in the mean time.
Where do I start with all this? I have no clue. Adam didn’t really leave me with a direction to go this morning either. Or at least I didn’t pick up on it. Still trying to find a doc to do medication management with me. The ones I have called aren’t taking on new patients. So will be a trial and error and guessing game to see who will. I will make more calls tomorrow. See what I come up with.
Physical pain has been kicking my butt lately. My knee popped yesterday and then instantly swelled up. Not good at all. It hurts to walk again. I don’t know what I did. Just turned at the wrong time or my leg wasn’t placed right or something. I have PT tomorrow. I hope she can tell me what I did or need to do differently. I also go to the chiropractor. My cousin referred me to him. I was there on Tuesday. He is a very good doc too. I hope he can lessen the hip and low back pain. Soooo incredibly sick of pain.
A friend mentioned to me tonight that maybe if I change how I think/talk about my body and my pain, it would help. I know there is some sort of brain body connection. Like convincing myself that it’s not really that bad? I don’t know. After losing weight, I am actually liking my body more. I can see the changes and I like the fact that I am fitting into smaller clothes. I have more to do. I need to get out and exercise and get more weight off. I need to start doing some light weight lifting training. Toning is what I need. My skin is getting saggy. Not terribly saggy but I am starting to see it more. ugh.
Adam talked about DBT today too. I don’t know what or why, but I got ticked off inside my head. I was like what the hell do I have to come back to that crap again for? I went through the weeks and months of that when I lived in Iowa with Hope H. I did the program. I remember bits and pieces. But I don’t consciously practice it every day. I use what I can and leave the rest. Right? So when I got home I googled DBT again. Just reading some of the stuff, turned on the resentment and anger button. What is that all about? I think mainly because I hate it when Dr. Z labels me as borderline. Borderline of what? and who says? Angie and I went over the criteria from the DSMV….I don’t really fit it anymore. Maybe 5 years ago, I would have been a great candidate for that dx….but today? Not so much. I don’t know what I am or what category I fit. I don’t think I really need to fit into anything or anybodies categories. Ya know? I know I have some sadness and anxiety still. I feel that almost on a daily basis. The anxiety still makes me feel like puking. I hate that part about it. We’ll see. I got another name from him today to see about medication management. It’s a gal that does it. She is a PAC…nurse that can prescribe meds and such. Hopefully she is seeing new folks. I need to get in somewhere. We’ll see.
I want and need to get to church this weekend too. I want to go to Crossroads Church in Woodbury. I have looked them up online and they seem pretty cool place to be. http://www.crossroadschurch.cc/ Maybe I will call the pastor and or someone there and just talk to them a bit before going. At least that way, I will know/recognize someone when I get there. I would like to get involved some as well. But that will be down the road, I am sure.
I need to work on relationships with people. I suck at relationships. What a realization huh?