This past week I have been struggling with a fear of eating. I think most of it revolves around control. I know the things I need to do, but the fear of gaining what I have already lost is very scary to me. Before I left Iowa, I had a handle on knowing my numbers, my blood levels and felt generally pretty well. Since coming to MN, I feel outta control. I don’t have a grasp on my numbers yet. I know I have lost some since being here. But as far as blood levels and such….not so much.
When I was reading on some web page earlier I came across this statement, “Fear of food happens when your new life is confronted with those old friends from your old life. For me, it’s that juicy half pound cheeseburger, the Panera Cinnamon Crunch Bagel, bag of Hershey Kisses, and anything on the Bucca di Beppo menu. You most likely have your own trigger foods. We fear them because after our year of dietary education we know that they were instrumental in leading down the road to obesity.” I can’t recall the exact place to give proper credit for that. But that pretty much sums it up. This is like old life here back in MN. When I was here before I was pretty much out of control, not only with eating but with life in general. This was way before K was born. Life was pretty chaotic. My mental health took a bit of dive this week as well. Intense feelings of guilt and shame in regards to being an absent mom. K has been getting in trouble again at school. It’s not dire or extremely horrible, but she has become manipulative in a sense. I know this is an issue that I can not do anything about right now. I am not there nor can I do anything to change what is going on.
My job right now is to take care of me. I need to figure out where I need to go….what my next steps are. Finding a job….no, didn’t get the job that I applied for this week. Kinda really bummed me out. But I will keep looking and trying to figure out where to land. Haven’t really been looking for an apartment as having a job and money to pay for it seems more important at the moment. Robin is kind enough to let me live here.
Tomorrow I am going to try to organize a game plan of sorts. Get my bills organized and ready to get paid out. Gotta get caught up. I also need to figure out my game plan for my mental health and stability. I need to really work on my spirituality and not being so complacent at where I am at. I know that lately, I just am not focused on anything. Anything that important anyways. Get my to-do lists of Monday started. Figuring out MN care, etc.
On a different note, haven’t heard from Karen today. I hope she made it home from the hospital. I hope she isn’t having much for complications and pain. I know the first week is a bitch after surgery. Certainly been there. I think I will try to call her in the late morning, early afternoon. I hope she is doing well.
I need to work on my negativity lately. Yes, they need to shut up and just let me
live and do what I need to do. The hardest for me right now is self-blame and shame.
Game plan. What’s next?
Adam told me something today….I have heard it before: Feelings aren’t facts…reality
is what is happening here and now. Feelings aren’t always true. That kinda stung for
a bit of time. What exactly is reality then? Searching for my reality and my inner
peace is a journey along with this weight loss and putting my family back together.
I need to remember to be gentle with myself. I need to remember that God made me. He has the ultimate plan.
Isaiah 61:1 (NIRV) 1 The Spirit of the Lord and King is on me.
The Lord has anointed me
to tell the good news to poor people.
He has sent me to comfort
those whose hearts have been broken.
He has sent me to announce freedom
for those who have been captured.
He wants me to set prisoners free
from their dark prisons.
James 5:16 (NIRV)
16 So admit to one another that you have sinned. Pray for one another so that you might be healed. The prayer of a godly person is powerful. It makes things happen
Psalm 55:22 (NIRV)
22 Turn your worries over to the Lord.
He will keep you going.
He will never let godly people fall
I know God is there for me. I keep wandering away. I keep coming back. He keeps letting me come back. His love is unconditional. Always will be. I so need to just let go and let HIM take all these worries and shame and disappointments. I give them to Him, but continually take them back, like I can do something better with them. (Not so much) LOL I know God loves me anyway.
I will keep on keepin on!…..PROMISE!!