Pretty much this past weekend my world was turned upside down. I don’t really know what to say other than, I hate the word VICTIM. But that is what it was. My brain went on a vacation from reality after the damage was done. I find myself wondering what I did wrong. What I said wrong. What did I do? Where was God? I ran (sort of) away to be safe. Now have these other people in my life who want to help me but I don’t know if I want their help. They can’t fix this. Nor can I. it’s done. but the pain is oh so real. my heart feels like he ripped it right out of my chest and stomped on it. Crimes like this don’t ever really go away. You can’t see my wound. You can’t see my soul.
I feel lost again. My direction is messed up. Not sure what my next step is. Was told today by this therapist I was seeing that he wants me to find another because his private practice doesn’t allow him time to deal with crisis stuff. ummmm…..ok. I’m a mess. Don’t wanna deal with the messiness. whatever. yes, it hurts. I trusted this dude to help me get through some stuff and now I have to start again with someone else. great. great….just peachy. whatever.
so now what? where is God? i don’t feel any peace. i don’t feel any calm. I am angry. I am hurt. A part of me so wants to run away from all this. Just like I used to do. But I can’t. I won’t. I need K. I am glad she is with mom right now. I don’t want her to see me like this. but i need her.