Life and Everyday

I hate food!



Food.  Something you need pretty much everyday to survive.  Pretty much.  I have a love/hate relationship with food.  For years and years and most of my life I have struggled with food.  I love to eat it.  Most of it tastes pretty decent.  But I hate it.

When  I was growing up on the farm, I used to hear a lot, “clean your plate”.  So usually did.  I started getting fat when I was probably around 9-10 years old.  I don’t know why or what happened but my little body turned into a big body.  Probably biology and just plain growing up.  Kids teased me.  My brother and sister teased me.  Relentlessly.  I started to hate food so much that I used it to comfort me.  I ate more.  Doesn’t make a lot of sense does it?

In high school, I was a big girl.  Considered bigger anyways.  I think when I graduated I was roughly 189 pounds.  Today that doesn’t sound too bad to me.  I’d like to get there again.  Who knows.  Anyways, the mental torture of weight followed me.  I became bulimic in my senior year and well into my first couple years of college.  I’d gain weight.  I’d lose weight.  Back and forth.  I hated food.  I didn’t like much of anything about myself at that time and space.

Flash forward to today.  I realize I still have that love hate relationship with food.  Only I am not bulimic anymore.  Haven’t been for 20 some years.   But….after having VSG surgery, I am still hating food.  I hate having to make constant decisions about do I eat what is good for me  or not.  Having a smaller stomach isn’t making this easy.  I knew it wouldn’t make my self image any better either.  I knew and know that this surgery is very hard work.  Exercise is still hard work.  But I know what I have to do.  This life changing decision I made 6 months ago has been the best thing, yet it has brought back that insecurity of am I good enough?

I know I am.  I know people love me.  My daughter and my mom love me.  I have some pretty awesome friends.  I have a God that loves me.  But is that enough?  I like myself, but I am not totally bought into loving me yet.  Weird huh?  I still see people and talk to people with the mentality that weight is an either or situation.  Let me show you:

I hate comparisons.  In my head this is what I see.  I compare myself to the “skinny” ones.  I know it’s now how I “should” be.  But I grew up with this stupid idea.  How in the world do I get it out of my head?  I keep trying to remind myself that I am ok no matter how I look. I am a good person no matter how fat or thin I am.   But ya know what?  Still not sure I am buying that.  God, I so need to change my thinking.  I don’t want my daughter growing up feeling like this.  This constant comparing.  K is beautiful as any 8 year old girl.

I am working on it.  I told my therapist that I hate food the other day.  I hate eating.

But I am on this path now.  I chose to get on the road to healthy.  Not only for myself but for K.  I have to do this…..I NEED to do this.  Living with the constant pain in my joints and muscles is not what I had in mind at 40.  Since losing weight, it’s gotten some better but I know it can get “more better”.  Right?

I am going to keep telling myself that I am ok.  That life is good no matter what is going on around me or to me.  I am going to keep trying to make good decisions about eating and exercising.  I am going to keep being positive.  Because I KNOW it’s going to sink in.  I KNOW that God will change my heart.  I know that this is hard work and I am not about quitting anymore.  I am living and loving and being there for my family and friends.   I am in control of my life.  And so are you!


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