Expectations….and stuff

 

It’s been an interesting few weeks around here.  I still feel like I am in this weird phase of life.  Transitions, changes, choices, expectations, etc.

A new chapter has started in my life.  Moving to Minnesota is the beginning of this new journey.  But I still don’t know if I am in the right place or the right time.  If that makes sense.  I have become to feel more comfortable in my skin yet, there are so many who are doubtful and questioning why I am doing what I am doing and how come, etc.  It seems so difficult for some people to understand why I am making the choices I am.  I feel it is right for me.  At this moment in time.  I have been called bull headed, stubborn and gonna do whatever I want no matter what anyone says.  Been un-friended on Facebook by a few this past week cuz I stood up for myself and what I believe in.

Expectations.  Is it too much for me to expect the same from friends that I would be willing to do for them?  (the quote at the top)

People have told me I expect too much from people.  Maybe I do.  But maybe I expect it because that is what I am willing to step outta the boat and do for them.  I am willing to put myself out there for my friends.  But what happens when that isn’t given in return?  I have to admit, it makes me sad and a bit irritated.  I know I give way too much of myself (time, money, etc) to others.  I believe I give from my heart but why does my heart hurt when people don’t give back?  I feel used.  again.  I have this friend who keeps telling me I need to lower my expectations.  Then I won’t be disappointed.

But if I lower them, does that mean I am lowering my standards for myself as well?  I mean, I want to be the kind of person who isn’t selfish or feeling sorry for myself.  I want to be there for my friends.  I want to continue to be the genuine, kind, generous friend to all the people who mean a lot to me.  Yeah, sometimes I feel depleted and a bit empty.  Hoping and praying someone will just give a little to me.  Disappointed, sure.

I believe there is a bit of good in everyone.  Somewhere inside them is some good.  Maybe that is my fault in believing that people are good.  I don’t know.

My expectations of myself are rather high.  I need to be a great mom to K.  Even tho she isn’t living with me now.   I have to believe that I will be there for her no matter what.  I need my mom to get moving on the paperwork to get the court system rolling.  I don’t know.  Mom sure puts things off sometimes.  She is scared of the future.  I know that since dad died, she is hesitant about many things.  I love my mom so much.  But I can’t make her do anything.  She has to make the choices for herself.  And I have to be patient and wait her out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I want to create again.  I want to journal and be creative.  Sometimes it really feels like no one cares.  Even with all the expectations, there is a loneliness that has crept into my life in the past month.  I have days I don’t want to be here.  On Earth.  Not that I would commit suicide or even attempt it.  It’s just a feeling.

I need meaning.  I need life.  I need more.

 

Advertisements

One thought on “Expectations….and stuff

  1. amommys2cents says:

    Just reading two of your posts has made me so glad to have found your blog! I relate so very much to the things you’ve shared and just knowing that someone else out there is feeling the same way I am makes it a little easier to handle.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s