It’s been an interesting few weeks around here. I still feel like I am in this weird phase of life. Transitions, changes, choices, expectations, etc.
A new chapter has started in my life. Moving to Minnesota is the beginning of this new journey. But I still don’t know if I am in the right place or the right time. If that makes sense. I have become to feel more comfortable in my skin yet, there are so many who are doubtful and questioning why I am doing what I am doing and how come, etc. It seems so difficult for some people to understand why I am making the choices I am. I feel it is right for me. At this moment in time. I have been called bull headed, stubborn and gonna do whatever I want no matter what anyone says. Been un-friended on Facebook by a few this past week cuz I stood up for myself and what I believe in.
Expectations. Is it too much for me to expect the same from friends that I would be willing to do for them? (the quote at the top)
People have told me I expect too much from people. Maybe I do. But maybe I expect it because that is what I am willing to step outta the boat and do for them. I am willing to put myself out there for my friends. But what happens when that isn’t given in return? I have to admit, it makes me sad and a bit irritated. I know I give way too much of myself (time, money, etc) to others. I believe I give from my heart but why does my heart hurt when people don’t give back? I feel used. again. I have this friend who keeps telling me I need to lower my expectations. Then I won’t be disappointed.
But if I lower them, does that mean I am lowering my standards for myself as well? I mean, I want to be the kind of person who isn’t selfish or feeling sorry for myself. I want to be there for my friends. I want to continue to be the genuine, kind, generous friend to all the people who mean a lot to me. Yeah, sometimes I feel depleted and a bit empty. Hoping and praying someone will just give a little to me. Disappointed, sure.
I believe there is a bit of good in everyone. Somewhere inside them is some good. Maybe that is my fault in believing that people are good. I don’t know.
My expectations of myself are rather high. I need to be a great mom to K. Even tho she isn’t living with me now. I have to believe that I will be there for her no matter what. I need my mom to get moving on the paperwork to get the court system rolling. I don’t know. Mom sure puts things off sometimes. She is scared of the future. I know that since dad died, she is hesitant about many things. I love my mom so much. But I can’t make her do anything. She has to make the choices for herself. And I have to be patient and wait her out.
I want to create again. I want to journal and be creative. Sometimes it really feels like no one cares. Even with all the expectations, there is a loneliness that has crept into my life in the past month. I have days I don’t want to be here. On Earth. Not that I would commit suicide or even attempt it. It’s just a feeling.
I need meaning. I need life. I need more.