Well, I am home. 3 weeks with K was amazing and fun and frustrating and wonderful….all rolled together. Being mom full time was wonderful. I miss her so much. I am hoping and praying by mid-summer that she will be home with me for good. My mom has to get the ball rolling in the court process. K’s counselor really wants her to be with me full time again. K has calmed down and become more focused in the past 3 weeks…..seems everyone has seen it happen. Yes, she still has some anger in her, but who wouldn’t after all that has gone on and being away from me for so long. I get angry at times as well. She is doing pretty well for being 8 years old and dealing with stuff. Keep praying.
I saw my counselor today. Adam thinks that I am grieving some too. Not only that I am not with K again now, but also that I need to find something that I am besides K’s mom. I need an identity besides being a mom. Makes some sense to me. He said I need to find something that I am good at besides being a great mom. That made me smile. People really do see that I am a good mom and doing the best I can. That makes me feel good. But I see his point in finding something else that defines me other than motherhood. I don’t know what that is yet….I will have to start writing and searching…..
I also have been realizing that I am grieving my dad again. It will be 12 years next month since he passed away. I keep wondering what life would be like if he were still here with us. I know my mom misses him at times too. I imagine him with the grandkids….he loved being a grandfather. He loved life. He was such a good man. I didn’t always see eye to eye with him, but I respected my dad so much. Cancer is such a horrible thing. It robs young (and older) folks of life. It robs us survivors of the closeness of a parent, relative, friend, family, etc. What would life be like with him here?
I have been struggling some with my thinking about myself lately. I realized that what I thought I let go of, comes back to me when I am feeling vulnerable. What other people think of me is hard to let go of. I so not want to care what people think of me and just do whatever and be whoever I want to be. But those thoughts keep popping into my head about what do “they” think? I worry about disappointing friends and family if I fail or don’t do things the way it “should” be done. I need to let go. Give it over to God and not take it back. Sadness has a way of creeping in when I don’t want it to.