We are not a body with a soul…..we are a soul with a body. (Pastor Craig Groechel)
Do you have a heavy soul? A heavy heart? Carry burdens you need to let go? Me too.
I have so many hurts from my past. I actually thought that I had healed a majority of that “crap” awhile ago. But lately it’s come back to bite me in the rear. Many in the form of those toxic words and thoughts. The “I can’ts”, “you are not good enough”, ” you will never be able to do that”, “no one will ever love you like that”. You know what I am saying right? It really makes my heart sad. I keep wondering if unconsciously I pass this onto my daughter. She said some things this weekend about being bad. She wanted me to put some make up on her to make her look “evil”. I was shocked. Never heard her speak like that before. It instantly made me sad. Why would she want to look evil? I asked her. She said, “I don’t know”. I wish I could get in her head and just know what she is thinking and why. I hope it’s not because of me…..my past. When she was little she was in the muck that I was going though. Depression, anxiety, fear, etc. She was so young at that time. I wonder if I damaged her. I don’t now. I hope I didn’t. I love K soooo much. She is my little life line most days. My heaviness is based on a past hurt. Lots of past hurts.
I have many hurts in the present as well. Not having a job yet is “killing” me. Well not literally. But it’s so frustrating to get turn down letters, emails and calls. I put out 4 more resumes today. K not home with me yet is another hurt. I know that is changing soon. But it still hurts to say goodbye when I down in Iowa visiting. My body hurts most days. Lupus and fibro take its toll on me lately. Physically I hurt all over. I keep going and doing because I have to. If I don’t, I will freeze up. My body will stop. And that scares me. I am losing my hair still. It’s longer but it’s so thin and fine. Mom even noticed that this past weekend when I was home. I am so tired, yet restless. Doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. I need to find a new place to live. What goes along with that is the money issue. To live in a decent place, I need to have to the money to pay for it. Everything seems to go hand in hand. I think my problem is that I want “more”. I long to make life better for K and for me. I feel like I am just barely getting by most days. I am not lacking so much that I am considered poor. I have much more than I could ever ask for. But I feel like I could be and do more.
I have many anxieties about the future. How am I going to get everything done? How am I going to make it all work when K comes up here to live this summer? Will I have a job by then? A decent and safe place to live? I feel this uneasiness. But I know that I have made changes. Necessary changes. Why and What am I so scared of?
I have to remember God’s faithfulness in the past. He has been there for me before. He has brought me out of the pit of depression. I haven’t been hospitalized for almost 3 years now (for mental health reasons). That to me in amazing!!! I still go to therapy weekly. Because I need that. I need help to remember that I can do this. I don’t trust myself enough to remember that I am ok everyday….all day. He helps me with new ideas in discipline for K as she grows. Natural consequences, etc.
I need to cry out to God in the present. They keep telling me God can hear me. He can hear my cries for Him. Sometimes my doubt sets in and I don’t think God is really there. That is where FAITH comes in. Faith gets me through those times. I need to put my hope in Him. What exactly is faith? Belief in something that there is no proof. What is hope? To desire with expectation of obtainment, to expect with confidence. What is grace? Unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification, a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace. Something that is God-given, made possible only by Jesus Christ and none other. It is God’s gift of salvation granted to sinners for their salvation. I need to be still and listen…….listen closely because I know God speaks in ways that aren’t usually standard.
I need to trust in God’s power for my future. If given the fact that God has been in my past and He is with me today, God will definitely be in my future. Be still and know He is near.