this journey started years ago
i wasn’t ready when it started
i tried to escape it…i tried to run
but it kept coming back to me.
the hurt and pain of all the things done to me
the times i let them hurt me
did i deserve it? did it really matter?
at that time, i didn’t really care….or did i?
i don’t remember a lot of things
is it because of denial?
is it because of procedures done to me too many times?
is it dissociation?
it is just because i can’t and don’t wanna go back?
probably all these things and a few more.
i’ve been doing ok for the past few years
i’ve had my ups and downs
i’ve chosen better things to cope with pain and loss
depression and anxiety
fear and lonliness.
still making mistakes and getting into situations that hurt me
but some how rising above
each day i take a new step forward
but i remember…..what happened long ago.
sometimes it haunts me….it taunts my thoughts about today.
just breathe and start again.
is that really possible?
i’m still lonely at times
i still make some unhealthy choices to cope with that lonliness i feel
to try to fill that hole in my heart
i get hurt again
but i keep moving on.
sadness came to visit today
i am not sure why.
things are really going pretty well for me
but sadness crept in like a morning fog.
is it really ok to not be ok?
not for me. not at all.
changes. the list goes on.
parts of me i really still hate.
things i can’t share with anyone…..yet……maybe ever.
shame and humiliation mock me still
there is more to tell, but i just can’t share.
i’m trying, really i am
you can see my smile
my effort to be better
to present myself as best i can be
i say the right things
sometimes i feel it too
but then nights like this…..doubt and rejection creep in
can i really go on? i must.
i can’t let them down.
but i am stuck with me
inside me lurks secrets
i dare not to tell
sadness crept in like the morning fog…..