Poem – Journey

Journey

this journey started years ago

i wasn’t ready when it started

i tried to escape it…i tried to run

but it kept coming back to me.

the hurt and pain of all the things done to me

the times i let them hurt me

did i deserve it?  did it really matter?

at that time, i didn’t really care….or did i?

i don’t remember a lot of things

is it because of denial?

is it because of procedures done to me too many times?

is it dissociation?

it is just because i can’t and don’t wanna go back?

probably all these things and a few more.

i’ve been doing ok for the past few years

i’ve had my ups and downs

i’ve chosen better things to cope with pain and loss

depression and anxiety

fear and lonliness.

still making mistakes and getting into situations that hurt me

but some how rising above

each day i take a new step forward

but i remember…..what happened long ago.

sometimes it haunts me….it taunts my thoughts about today.

just breathe and start again.

is that really possible?

i’m still lonely at times

i still make some unhealthy choices to cope with that lonliness i feel

to try to fill that hole in my heart

i get hurt again

but i keep moving on.

sadness came to visit today

i am not sure why.

things are really going pretty well for me

but sadness crept in like a morning fog.

is it really ok to not be ok?

not for me.  not at all.

changes.  the list goes on.

parts of me i really still hate.

things i can’t share with anyone…..yet……maybe ever.

shame and humiliation mock me still

there is more to tell, but i just can’t share.

i’m trying, really i am

you can see my smile

my effort to be better

to present myself as best i can be

i say the right things

sometimes i feel it too

but then nights like this…..doubt and rejection creep in

can i really go on?  i must.

i can’t let them down.

but i am stuck with me

inside me lurks secrets

i dare not to tell

sadness crept in like the morning fog…..

~julie

  5.31.12

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