Life and Everyday

chronic pain and coping and life in general right now

6.7.12

pain and other stuff.  that is the topic today.

I have a couple other conditions which play into the pain thing for me.  I have Lupus, fibromyalgia, the beginning stage of Rheumatoid Arthritis. statrting stages of degenerative disk disease.  they figure it’s pretty much genetic related as I have many relatives with these things.  my sister is also in the early stages of RA.  pretty much have to figure out to cope with pain on a daily basis.  like most things, some days are really pretty good and others really suck.  depending on the weather, stress, etc.

i don’t particularly feel stressed out by all the crap going on in my life….with my plate full of stuff.  but my body i think is.  my emotions are pretty in check, reaction to the pain.  i don’t feel depressed, but i don’t feel really happy.  i am mostly content or at peace at this moment.  if that makes sense.  yes, there is stress with having moving going on, knowing katey will be with me in a couple weeks, school stuff.  but for me i find ways to make it manageable for me.  i exercise, which is very hard for me sometimes, but i make myself do it.  i get up and go swim just about everyday.  the water is warmer, which helps every joint and muscle.  with lap swimming i take my time.  i try to swim laps for 45 mintues before doing the water aerobics class.  this movement is good to make sure i don’t “freeze” up.  sometimes it hurts a bit, but then, i feel pretty ok afterwards.

i can’t do most pain meds due to having the VSG gastric surgery.  ibuprofin is something i have to watch.  hydrocodone works, but have to take it on a real regular basis.  docs aren’t sure if that is good for me.  my gp gave me flexeril yesterday….it helped the spasms and stuff.  i am awake at 4am….which is weird.  but starting to be a “routine” for me as pain wakes me…then i take another hydrocodone and try to sleep again.  sometimes it works to help me get back to sleep.  other narcotic meds leave in me in  a fog….usually most the day after taking them i HATE that.  so I use them very very sparingly….taking them after supper time….making me tired but the pain is maneagable. for a time.

today i head to the spine clinic.  not sure what to expect.  the x-rays taken last friday showed a “bump” or lump on my hip bone near my spine.  could be a calicum build-up…had that before on a couple other bones, they operate and shave it down.  but that it’s close to my spine is very scary.  also then my mind goes to the cancer thing.  my dad had cancer, it ended up going into his bones, etc.  my brain goes to town with it.  i am trying to not jump to conclusions just yet as i just found out about this yesterday with Dr. Bill, my gp.  this weather wreaks havioc on my pain levels too.  weird weather patterns this year has caused many flares.

i had therapy yesterday and we talked about the chronic pain and my lack of managing it.  Adam was a tad upset as it has a toll emotionally on me too.  I need to not let my high pain tolerance and take over and i find myself “grin and bear it” attitude pop in.  I need to listen to my body more which means accepting myself where i am and being more pro-active about this.  so a new territory for me to venture down.  i don’t like to let people know exactly how much pain i am in cuz i don’t want anyone to think i am a baby and cant handle pain.  does that make sense?  i know going to the spine clinic today is a first step in taking control of this pain stuff.  i don’t know what is going to happen today but i am praying that i find some answers and not a whole of doc wanting to medicate me.  i have tried massage therapy, hot stone therapy, hot tubs, saunas, swimming, chiropractic, healing touch, sacral crainal therapy….they work, but also the cost is usually out of pocket, insurance doesn’t cover this kind of alternative healing stuff.  they are effective for me, but i can’t always afford them.  i try to find deals etc when i can.  like next week after all this moving stuff, either next thursday or friday, i have a 90 minute massage, hot stone and aromatherapy appointment.  i got a great deal from Groupon for this.  cost me only 40 dollars for what is usually 120.  so i am trying but it isn’t a regular routine.  wish it could be, but i do what i can.

walking is hard somedays…same with sitting, standing and laying down.  i try to keeep moving around to make it comfortable. so that is where i am with this.  i hope to get more answers today.  oh, i started physical therapy for my knees this week.  maybe this doc will have them work on all my joints, esp my low back and hip.  i just don’t know.

trying to stay positive.  trying to stay busy.  trying to be ok with it all.  having wonderful friends like you guys is very helpful even if i don’t delve into the emotion and etc about all this stuff.  don’t want to bother anyone with my complaining.  lol

on another note, mom called me 2 or 3 times yesterday with some news regarding k.  she is dealing with swimmer’s ear.  so will be finding some ear plug things for her when she swims now.  she is getting her tonsils out finally on June 25.  that is the monday after vacation bible school for her up here.  the surgery will be in mason city iowa.  so will be going down after vbs on friday or saturday.  stay down there until monday late or possibly tuesday.  bring her back here with me.  the doc said i need to keep an eye on her very closely for 4-5 days.  lots of popcicles, jello, water, etc.  i am trying to make arrangements for the couple hours on tuesday evening and wednesday afternoon when i have class.  other than those 2 hours each day, i will be home with her.  lots of time to be close and be mom.  i wouldn’t worry so much about classes but that is my last week of class, gotta show up. yuck. my mom also set up an appointment with the lawyer that will be working with all the paperwork needed to be done to finalize my adoption back of k.  sounds weird but that is what i have to do, the reverse of what mom did.  iowa has a weird human services system.  here in MN it’s much more simple and easy to understand, i find.  but iowa plainly sucks.  to say the least.  but i will do the hoop jumping once again.

so yes, lots on my plate but i am not depressed about it.  i am maintaining using new and more effective coping.  therapy is good.Adam has helped me understand the why’s and how’s.  he offers suggestions to try to help make coping easier.  i don’t feel the need to return to the old crap that caused me more emotional pain.  i did slip back into some emotional eating stuff in the recent weeks…perhaps why the plateau is lasting so long. but i am aware now of what i am doing and am trying to make some better food choices…some days are better than others, but working on it more.  self image plays a huge part of it.  still have trouble liking myself.  go figure.

anyways, this is where i am at…what’s going on.  sorry for the “book” about it all.

i love you guys…my sisters and brothers in Chrst.  my support.  my friends.  i admire your courage and strength that each of you have.  it helps me to keep going too.  even when you have bad days…even when i have bad days, your encouagement of each other and me, inspires me to keep going and keep trying to get better.you have been a constant life line for me for many years now.  thank you.

ok…gonna try to get some more sleep before actually having to get up and start my day.

love and hugs to all

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