When I think about who I really have in my life, I get really sad. Sure, I have “friends” and a little bit of a social life, and I keep very busy. I still feel like if I really needed someone, I would be stranded. I still don’t have anyone in my everyday daily life to talk to. All of my so-called-friends have lives of their own with their families and jobs. Even on reality shows about people who are so screwed up (intervention, true life, etc), they have families and close friends who are in their lives that care about them. Everyone I know has family to lean on, or real best friends. If I had an emergency, I don’t know who I would turn to. My mom lives nearly 2 hours away. Some of my family couldn’t really give a hoot about what is going on with me and K.
My new job is keeping me busy and meeting new people all the time. But not sure I can trust folks yet. You know how people talk and stuff at jobs and such….I like them, they are great people, but I just don’t know.
SO, if I am occupied, friendly, open, etc.. then why am I so lonely, why do I still feel like I have no one to count on, why am I still single? Why is no one there for me? Why do I let the loneliness get to me that I let people in my life just to use me and I don’t catch it until it’s too late?
I love my family, most of them love me, God loves me and teaches me new things every day. My life isn’t so bad. I’ve got people who at least accept my silly side, even if they don’t accept the serious me with problems.
And yet every day I realize over and over again, as the sun goes down, that I’m remarkably lonely. It’s bad at night, but sometimes it’s also hard in the daytime. I might be out somewhere and suddenly I almost see myself third person and i’m alone. I really am, even though i’m with my family or friends or even at work. The kids are great. The other teachers are nice too…but the loneliness gets to me.
I feel like there is someone i’m missing. I feel almost as if a part of my family that walked out of my life a long time ago, and everyone agreed to never mention them again act like they never existed. But I don’t think that happened. I just feel like it did.
Being a single mom doesn’t help matters much. Who wants to date a single mom? Shrug.
Do I Make a Difference
I always believed
I would do more I would do more with my life,
Be a better provider, A better listener, A better example.
A better parent
Higher my education, higher my standards
Most of all, spend quality time with my family.
At a table, under trees, near a river, at the museum.
Leaving the past behind, keeping a positive
outlook for the future,
As the string to hold this all together
I would have Faith.
Bonds that tie, unconditional love.
Last night I realized, this may be unrealistic,
I have grown tired, feel misused,
at times useless, and lonely, wondering if
I make any difference,
Today, I pray for new inspiration, a smile
is enough, I pray to hold onto the willingness
To be willing to keep trying …