Totally lost it today

Well today could be called one of those days from hell.  It is what it is.  I had to go to the cancer center today to get the results of my bloodwork.  Had to leave work early.  That sucked.  I needed to stay at work and actually get work done today.  But I went.  The results were ok.  My iron level is going down again which means I am heading toward anemia again.  But Dr. John told me he wanted to wait another 3 months before deciding whether to do another infusion.  So I will go back in three months and get checked again.  I will also have to go back next week to get my B12 shot.  ugh.

Made it back to school (work).  Got  a few things done/accomplished before having to leave again to take K to the psychologist who will be doing her psych testing.  He is going to do some testing for ADD/ADHD.  What testing he did today was just an indication of YES she has some deficits….but it’s NOT typical of ADHD….it’s more an auditory distraction thing.  I didn’t really understand.  I will wait until I get it in writing.  All I know is that I can’t handle much more of her moods and yelling at me.  I am the worst mom ever.  I make her do everything (homework).  I never let her do anything fun (see prior escape to the pumpkin patch and birthday party, etc etc.).  I am not a fun mom by any means….according to her.  I don’t buy her enough stuff.  I don’t give in to her every whim.  Well, I CAN’T!!

Being a single mom really sucks sometimes.  I have no one to back me up.  Damn Rob for not taking any responsibility in anything   Not even paying child support.  Damn him.

I called my mom.  She is going to meet me Saturday morning at 9 am in Kasson MN to take K home with her for a night.  Get her away from here and into a different atmosphere.   I need a break.  I need to get stuff done.  Mostly homework.  I haven’t even been to the grocery store in 2 weeks because I just haven’t had time.

Between meltdowns and behavior issues at school, K hasn’t been able to attend dance practice 2 weeks in a row.  She refuses to do her homework.  How in the world do I MAKE her do it?  I offer to help.  She complains it’s too hard.  She knows math really well.  It’s a matter of not wanting to.  I have taken the tv away, computer time away, her Nintendo DS away, and also the use of my kindle.  Nothing really phases her.  It’s like she just doesn’t care.  I don’t know what to do.

After sitting listening to her yell at me for about 30 minutes or a bit longer, I grabbed my coat, my phone and my keys.  Walked out the door and headed to my car.  I sat in my car with the doors locked for about 20 minutes.  She was hot.  I could hear her screaming even with the doors closed in my car.  I bawled my eyes out.  Am I failing as a mom?  What in the hell am I doing wrong?  I pray and pray that I make better choices than what was made for me when I was younger and growing up at home.  I give her choices.  I give her love and praise.  But nothing is ever good enough.  Not for her.  I don’t know what else she wants from me.  I am about spent on everything I have to give emotionally to her.  I sit her in tears tonight because I am feeling worthless and having a lot of shame.  I am failing.  I really suck at being a mom.  I truly believe I caused all this anger and frustration in her.  It’s my fault she is the way she is.  It’s my fault she behaves like this.

I am trying so hard to make up for all the lost time.  But it’s not working.

IDK what to do next.  I wanna crawl in hole and die at the moment.  But I know that isn’t next on the agenda.

Tomorrow I will get up and do the same routine I have been doing for weeks now.  Act like nothing happened.  Life is good. And K will have a good day (I hope).

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