Well today could be called one of those days from hell. It is what it is. I had to go to the cancer center today to get the results of my bloodwork. Had to leave work early. That sucked. I needed to stay at work and actually get work done today. But I went. The results were ok. My iron level is going down again which means I am heading toward anemia again. But Dr. John told me he wanted to wait another 3 months before deciding whether to do another infusion. So I will go back in three months and get checked again. I will also have to go back next week to get my B12 shot. ugh.
Made it back to school (work). Got a few things done/accomplished before having to leave again to take K to the psychologist who will be doing her psych testing. He is going to do some testing for ADD/ADHD. What testing he did today was just an indication of YES she has some deficits….but it’s NOT typical of ADHD….it’s more an auditory distraction thing. I didn’t really understand. I will wait until I get it in writing. All I know is that I can’t handle much more of her moods and yelling at me. I am the worst mom ever. I make her do everything (homework). I never let her do anything fun (see prior escape to the pumpkin patch and birthday party, etc etc.). I am not a fun mom by any means….according to her. I don’t buy her enough stuff. I don’t give in to her every whim. Well, I CAN’T!!
Being a single mom really sucks sometimes. I have no one to back me up. Damn Rob for not taking any responsibility in anything Not even paying child support. Damn him.
I called my mom. She is going to meet me Saturday morning at 9 am in Kasson MN to take K home with her for a night. Get her away from here and into a different atmosphere. I need a break. I need to get stuff done. Mostly homework. I haven’t even been to the grocery store in 2 weeks because I just haven’t had time.
Between meltdowns and behavior issues at school, K hasn’t been able to attend dance practice 2 weeks in a row. She refuses to do her homework. How in the world do I MAKE her do it? I offer to help. She complains it’s too hard. She knows math really well. It’s a matter of not wanting to. I have taken the tv away, computer time away, her Nintendo DS away, and also the use of my kindle. Nothing really phases her. It’s like she just doesn’t care. I don’t know what to do.
After sitting listening to her yell at me for about 30 minutes or a bit longer, I grabbed my coat, my phone and my keys. Walked out the door and headed to my car. I sat in my car with the doors locked for about 20 minutes. She was hot. I could hear her screaming even with the doors closed in my car. I bawled my eyes out. Am I failing as a mom? What in the hell am I doing wrong? I pray and pray that I make better choices than what was made for me when I was younger and growing up at home. I give her choices. I give her love and praise. But nothing is ever good enough. Not for her. I don’t know what else she wants from me. I am about spent on everything I have to give emotionally to her. I sit her in tears tonight because I am feeling worthless and having a lot of shame. I am failing. I really suck at being a mom. I truly believe I caused all this anger and frustration in her. It’s my fault she is the way she is. It’s my fault she behaves like this.
I am trying so hard to make up for all the lost time. But it’s not working.
IDK what to do next. I wanna crawl in hole and die at the moment. But I know that isn’t next on the agenda.
Tomorrow I will get up and do the same routine I have been doing for weeks now. Act like nothing happened. Life is good. And K will have a good day (I hope).