Welp, kinda fuzzed out on my thankfuls after Thanksgiving. It’s not that I am NOT thankful for everything I have and do and love etc. Life is getting in the way right now. Too much in the way!!
I’ve had a couple of really horrific days for one reason and another, they have totally knocked me off kilter. I feel useless, exhausted and so caught up in this negative self-hating cycle that I can’t really do much at the moment.
The night before last was the worst. Some days I freakin hate my illness, my freakin stupid brain telling me things, lies and god awful thoughts. I’m currently locked in a self-hate loop, down thoughts and feelings making me feel sick and unable to sleep which leads to down thoughts and feelings.
I want to get rid of this cancerous illness, this part of me that hates me so much and makes me need to cause pain to myself. I want it out and I want it gone now!
If I think about it really hard, I don’t think there has ever been a time that I was truly lonely, yes I have been by myself – hating every minute – but I knew ultimately there was someone who I could turn to even in my darkest hour. I am not sure that anyone would truly be there but I knew someone out there could or would be if I chose to ask. I choose to be by myself most of the time because I’d rather spend the day not talking than talking utter shit with someone I actually don’t want to spend time with.
My friendship base is tiny, I have two, possibly three friends – real friends with whom I can share my deepest darkest thoughts and as a sufferer of mental illness I get very dark thoughts. I sometimes lack the capability to think about others people’s feelings at the moment, so sometimes my words are harsh, uncaring and patronizing. Even if that isn’t what I mean. Over the years I have tried my hardest to learn not to say what I am actually feeling, with a type of argument between me and my inner voice who is crying out to punch this or that person, say something mean or generally may cause mayhem and as you can probably appreciate this has led to trouble and so I try to stay out of it now, sticking with people who see what I say as sarcasm or fun and not taking it to heart.
I also wondered that when you have children is it in order for you not to be lonely again? Like a subconscious, cave-man type of thing that human nature must procreate in order to be a pack? It certainly wasn’t the main reason I had my child but looking back I was a 33-year-old girl, living in a small town with only a few friends whom I had met in a treatment facility (group home). One happened to be the man who fathered my daughter. I was desperate for someone to be with. A companion, someone who needed me so I would have to be alone anymore.
I wonder now if I should have bought a dog. I’m kidding, I’ve never regretted having my daughter and anyone who knows me knows I would die for her at any given opportunity but I do think there are people out in this strange world we live in that have children purely for selfish purposes, I won’t go into detail as you all probably know what I’m talking about, I certainly know of some and it saddens me that that is the only reason these little tea-cup humans are around. Children should be cherished, adored, loved, cuddled and listened to and sometimes my heart bleeds when I see little ones who obviously don’t have that from their parents.
But it’s me and K here in the little Minnesota town. I love it here. Love the town. Love the river. Love the school. But I am lonely. There is only so much you can talk to a 9 year old about.
As being recently diagnosed with ADHD, I am wondering how to help her best. We are going to see Dr. Gary Johnson, at the C.A.L.M. Center (Clinic for Attention, Learning and Memory) http://calm.us/
He is the best of the best as so I have heard. He is up to date on everything ADHD. I got the huge packet of papers to fill out for K’s session with him. Man…talk about in depth and wanting to know everything. I guess that is how I help K the best. I need to let them know everything. I just don’t know what to do.
Add this guilt on top of my crappy past few days. It’s eating my heart. I can’t help but feel the guilt. If only……if only……yeah…that is what my brain is doing to me. The self-hatred, self-loathing is getting really bad. Yeah, it’s Christmastime. This is one of the reasons I don’t like this time of year. Inadequacies at its best.