This morning I realized how much hurt I had let get buried deep inside myself. To be honest I don’t really have anyone in my life that I feel comfortable opening up to and I know that is no ones fault but my own. I do have a very good friend, who just recently moved back to her home in Kansas. I talk with her everyday by FB and Skype, but it’s just not the same.
I was the one who let myself shut down. I am the one who slipped into a deep depression and anxiety and let it take total control of my life for a long time.
I started building walls all around me. At that time, I don’t believe I realized what I was doing, but I can understand why I did that. I was hurt deeply by the people I was supposed to be able to trust the most. Somehow I had to find a way to survive especially for my daugher. She needed a parent to take care of her that she didn’t have to fear. I had to do anything I could to protect my heart. It was, after all, already severely broken and I didn’t feel that it would be able to take much more. So what did I do? I started to avoid people, even those I loved. I was still friendly to anyone and everyone I’d come across, but I always kept them at arm’s length so they couldn’t get close to me. But then I lost her too. They made her go to live with my mom for the past almost 3 years. Then I stopped going places that I had once enjoyed but the worse was when I started going out of the house only when I absolutely had to. I went to therapy. I went to the grocery store. Even tried to continue to do the college thing. But felt like a total failure and sometimes still do. The guilt I feel it totally overwhelming me.
I feel there is only one way I am going to ever truly heal. First I need to knock down all the walls I had built so high. Once done, I need to open up some of the old wound so I can let them drain and heal properly. I have done a lot of that in the place where I used to live. Angie. The therapist I truly trusted. The only way I think I can successfully do that is if I start opening up about the past, write about my experiences, how they made me feel and any lesson that I learned from them. I have a new therapist, Adam. I need to learn to stop always being the caretaker and realize it’s okay to let others take care of me. I think that will end up being the hardest part, but I know that it’s something I have to learn to do and the sooner the better. I still have a very hard time letting people in. Letting them try to take care of me. Asking for help is painful.
My name along with K was put on an Angel Tree for this Christmas. We have 2 families that are bringing Christmas to us. I feel some shame. Ok not some….A LOT. Not even good enough to be able to provide a decent Chrstimas for K. I am trying. The bills keep mounting. I paid my electric bill, so the shut off notice will go away. It’s paid for now. Next to tackle my phone bill and my cable for my internet. I also have doctor bills that I need to catch up on. I have the bill at Argosy that I need to figure out how to pay before I can continue next term in January. I hate bills. Sometimes I really hate being a grown up. Responsibilities suck.
I need to get my mind out of what once was. Avoid making dead-end scenarios from past experiences, you know, “what could have, should have, would have, if only he/she/I had/had not….” I gotta meet myself where I’m at and not where I THINK others want to see me as (not necessarily where they praise you to be). People crave to be seen for whom they are, yet they refuse to let go of others thoughts of who they once were, or should be, so they find great difficulty in accepting themselves. I find difficulty accepting myself for what is, others develop jealousies, ill will, hatred and pain and such toward others—they forget about “what goes around comes around” —until they are experiencing those very pains and more. I experience those pains daily. I feel the “judgement” by the folks I work with. I feel it with my family. This causes dread with the yearly holiday get togethers. One is coming this Saturday. Not sure what I will say or do. Probably just do what is expected of me. Paste on my smile and act as if…..
You’d be surprised; I am working on one degree while receiving welfare and hope to continue while working after that degree. I kept those this journeys’ a “secret”; all while others, including my family, mocked and chastised me and categorized me as a “welfare baby momma”. Especially my sister, of all people. People often are “taught” (usually on the vein of a musical beat or some culturally unconscious movie) to project whole creations of self-destructive “trigger words”, like “baby-momma” or “baby daddy”, to the masses reality; to their self-destruction. I still can’t say for sure what that word constitutes (it depends on the beholder). It’s one of negative vibration of being mocked, envy, and anger—and needs to be put out of existence. But it effects me more than anyone will ever know. Still another secret, that not many know.
That must be done by those who created it or fate takes over. That’s another conversation.