Right now, I don’t really feel like I’m actually living my life. I’m mostly surviving it.
I love my K, don’t get me wrong, but there are days or times rather that I just need a break from all the drama that comes along with her. Seems the little things are HUGE in her life. It’s hard to figure out what to say or do lately. I just don’t know how to be or react.
Her acting out behavior has just gotten worse lately. Today was a total meltdown day. Her school behavior chart was almost all sad faces. I just wanted to cry. How can it go from mostly smilies yesterday to mostly sads today? I just don’t get it. I know we all have moody days, but with K….everyday is like this. Maybe I don’t understand ADD enough yet. Maybe I need to read more or just hook with some other parents or something. She also is having some attachment problems. Which I am going to start dealing with with her. Found a really nice and knowledgeable therapist in the same building as Adam. Her name is Peggy. I will meet with her on the day we don’t have school. She works specifically with attachment issues. I need some hands on ways of dealing with K’s behaviors. Cuz whatever I am doing is NOT working the best.
I feel inadequate. I feel defeated. Pills, therapy, exercise, just can’t and don’t fix me. I hurt K by not being strong for her and not giving her everything she needs. I hurt myself daily with negative thinking and self loathing. I want to throw up my hand and give up. My family deserves better.
“Enough is enough,” I tell myself.
Stop the self-loathing. Stop the pity-party. My family doesn’t expect perfection. My family doesn’t need perfection. They just want me.
Enough with the idealization of what I need to be. Enough with the fears of failure. Enough with the should’ve, would’ve and could’ve.
My depression and inadequacies don’t define me. I define me.
I am a mother of an amazing daughter that is so much more than her diagnoses.
I am a literacy tutor.
I am a blogger of sorts.
I am an advocate for my daughter.
I am a friend.
I am a reader.
I am a crafter.
I am a daughter.
I am a sister.
I am an aunt.
I am a fighter.
I am me.
When I start to question my “enough,” I remind myself I am so much more than I realized. I don’t need to strive to be more, because who I am seems pretty amazing