just surviving life

Right now, I don’t really feel like I’m actually living my life. I’m mostly surviving it.

I love my K, don’t get me wrong, but there are days or times rather that I just need a break from all the drama that comes along with her.  Seems the little things are HUGE in her life.  It’s hard to figure out what to say or do lately.  I just don’t know how to be or react.

Her acting out behavior has just gotten worse lately.   Today was a total meltdown day.  Her school behavior chart was almost all sad faces.  I just wanted to cry.  How can it go from mostly smilies yesterday to mostly sads today?  I just don’t get it.  I know we all have moody days, but with K….everyday is like this.  Maybe I don’t understand ADD enough yet.  Maybe I need  to read more or just hook with some other parents or something.  She also is  having some attachment problems.  Which I am going to start dealing with with her.  Found a really nice and knowledgeable therapist in the same building as Adam.  Her name is Peggy.  I will meet with her on the day we don’t have school.  She works specifically with attachment issues.  I need some hands on ways of dealing with K’s behaviors.  Cuz whatever I am doing is NOT working the best.

I feel inadequate. I feel defeated. Pills, therapy, exercise, just can’t and don’t fix me.  I hurt K by not being strong for her and not giving her everything she needs. I hurt myself daily with negative thinking and self loathing. I want to throw up my hand and give up. My family deserves better.

“Enough is enough,” I tell myself.

Stop the self-loathing. Stop the pity-party. My family doesn’t expect perfection. My family doesn’t need perfection. They just want me.

Enough with the idealization of what I need to be. Enough with the fears of failure. Enough with the should’ve, would’ve and could’ve.

My depression and inadequacies don’t define me. I define me.

I am a mother of an amazing daughter that is so much more than her diagnoses.
I am a literacy tutor.
I am a blogger of sorts.
I am an advocate for my daughter.
I am a friend.
I am a reader.
I am a crafter.
I am a daughter.
I am a sister.
I am an aunt.
I am a fighter.
I am me.
When I start to question my “enough,” I remind myself I am so much more than I realized. I don’t need to strive to be more, because who I am seems pretty amazing

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