Life and Everyday

difficult child…difficult illness


I have been dealing with kind of kid all week.  and yes…my daughter has looked like this most of the week…..i am about ready to pull my hair out.  I am sooooo not ready for this pre-teen stuff let a lone teen years.  Add some ADD and RAD…lovely.

Right now she is ranting and it’s bedtime.  Sarcasm coming out of her mouth left and right.  She is in her bedroom, supposed to be sleeping or attempting, but yelling at me.  Because it’s all my fault.  what is?  I am not exactly sure.  But whatever IT is…it’s all my fault.  Whatever!

ADD – Attention Deficit Disorder.  it sucks.  but it’s manageable.  more manageable than RAD.  RAD- Reactive Attachment Disorder.  Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is a complex psychiatric illness that can affect young children. It is characterized by serious problems in emotional attachments to others.  Most children with Reactive Attachment Disorder have had severe problems or disruptions in their early relationships.    Some have experienced inadequate care in an institutional setting or other out-of-home placement such as a hospital, residential program, foster care or orphanage.  Others have had multiple or traumatic losses or changes in their primary caregiver. The exact cause of Reactive Attachment Disorder is not known.

With this being said or quoted from The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP), I want to explain a  few things.  First, I am not a bad mom.  I never hurt my child in any way.  She was taken from me when she was 5 years old.  Luckily my mother was there to take her otherwise, we (my family) would not know where she would be right now.  She lived with my mom until last summer.  K moved back with me last May.  I have done everything in my power to get her the help and care she needs.  I take care of myself too.  I am still in therapy for my anxiety and depression.  K is in therapy.  I have gotten the right accommodations at school for her, trying to make that easier for her.  I set firm limits with her.  Though she often bucks me, I don’t yell.  I do raise my voice some, but I don’t all out yell at her.  Sometimes I do the opposite.  I talk quieter.  Then she has to really listen to me.  If she chooses to.  I am firm with my consequences and stick to them.  If I say no screen time….I mean no screen time (tv, computer, kindle, etc.).  Sometimes I end up suffering along with her if there is a show on TV that I want to watch, but her needs come before mine when it come to that for me.

I think when K left to go live with my mom, it was traumatic for her just as much for me.  I got to see her and talk to her whenever I wanted.  But not having her everyday took it’s toll on both of us.  Most on her I think.  Her sense of self is so blurred.  She is insecure.  But yet she is brave at times.  She loves to dance and sing.  She gets up in front of folks and does her dance performances and choir performances.  Making friends is hard for her.  Her therapist says that physically she is 9 almost 10 years old, but emotionally she is still stuck at 5-6 years old.  The age when we were separated.  Trying to “fix” that gap has been so hard.  Tiring, exhausting, gut wrenching.  I want to take away her pain and distress.  But I can’t.  I get so frustrated with myself and with her.  It’s unfair of me.  I start to blame myself and the guilt sets in.

I know I did the best I could at that time.  Signing custody over to my mom was the best thing because I knew I would be ok again to have her back home with me.  And I am.  I am ok.  I am better than OK.  Being a single parent sucks most days though.  It’s so very hard to do this all alone.  But I have. And am.

I continue to learn more about RAD and how to parent her with this.  it’s damn hard most days.  Other days it’s a breeze.  Today is a very very very hard day.  My heart is hurting so bad.  Yesterday was my birthday and I wanted her to be happy and it was a really hard day for her too.  We had a good time when we went out to eat, but she had a very hard day yesterday too.

My heart is sad.  Keep us in your prayers.  Thanks. ♥


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