Life and Everyday

Can’t remember when

Today I am going back to water aerobics at the YMCA.  I am so stuck in the weight loss rut, I don’t know where to begin.  At one point during the beginning or shortly after the VSG surgery, I don’t remember exactly when it happened, but somewhere along my journey I gave up body loathing. Don’t get me wrong, if you asked for a show of hands of who loved their body, both of my arms would remain  stuck to my sides. I don’t think that’s the same answer now, but it’s a truthful answer.

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To say that I was obsessed with the size of butt ,thighs, and boob when I was younger, would be an understatement. I remember the day  I resigned from looking in the mirror saying “my butt looks huge and my belly is huge and my boobs are saggy, to..hey my pants are too big, I need to get a smaller bra and my t-shirts just hang”.

Today I go swimming.  I haven’t put a suit on for a few months.  My weight has been at or around the same for about a year.  The doc is pleased.  I am NOT.  I want to keep losing but I know my eating habits SUCK.  So today, I am tracking what I put in my mouth.  I have recorded my little bottle of store bought Starbucks Lite Vanilla Frappuccino…100 cal.  That’s it so far. I have taken my vitamins as usual.  I need to take my protein shake here in a few.  Get K up and get her ready for YKids.  I meet for a free consult with a Y trainer at 9 am.  Then I will work out some, then swim some laps.  Ohhhh dear….the swim suit.  I had to buy a new one…size 16 because my size 20 was too big.  That is good news, but still…..

K has made comments lately that my thighs are big.  Even that my one knee is big.  Rather FAT.  Even saying that my butt and tummy are a little big.  Yikes.  Internal sting immediately followed by the knowing that my thigh and butt are indeed BIG/HUGE compared to her 9-year-old body. She was merely stating a fact. And in that moment I knew it was true. It wasn’t that I hated my body….I knew it was time to kick my own butt into gear and do something.  Get moving again.  Stop the pity party and get moving.  I am not sure that I love my whole self at the moment, but the self-loathing isn’t as huge a problem as it used to be.

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If you ask me how to learn to love yourself, I would tell you that I don’t really know.   But I would have a suggestion (or two). Quit being cruel to yourself.  Follow the “if I wouldn’t say it to my best friend, I can’t say it to myself” rule.  Each time a hateful thought runs through your mind, find something about that part of your body to be grateful for and move on. Practice this over and over and over and over and over and over again, and like magic, one day you’ll get there.  And please don’t make your kids, partner or anyone else responsible for your body image.  It’s YOUR body image we are talking about – not theirs.

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