a morning brain fog: can’t sleep

It’s not just the physical pain that woke me up…well that is what triggered it…..my foot pain is much worse than it should be tonight/this early morning…..I know I over did everything Wednesday.  I had two appointments back to back.  Trying to get in and out of the car with this stupid boot on my foot….I am not supposed to put any weight on my foot….well I did and I am paying for it ….dearly.  And hugely.  My toes are soooo swollen.  They are huge and look like blue fat sausages.

sausage toes 9.18

 

you’d think after having 3 previous surgeries, I’d learn….I guess I just don’t remember it hurting this bad.  Of course the other docs didn’t take bone marrow out of my heel either to put into my other bones and also didn’t have to take out broke screws that were inside the bones to begin with either.  This surgery was messed up to begin with.  The previous docs were idiots…..idk.

so anyway, i took half a pain pill after getting home with K after her dance practice tonight around 6.  then again around 10 took the other half.  went to bed….about midnight woke with stabbing pain, took another half…..and now again…..stabbing pain…..I hate this.  It’s nearly 4am…I am sitting on my couch with the recliner up….my foot throbbing still.  Can’t take another pill for a bit yet.

So’s anyway, I am whining….complaining.  so let me write something worthwhile to read about if I can.  Let me pick my brain to see if it’s awake enough to come up with something  LOL

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My mind is in a fog, when you are depressed it is almost a tangible thing, like a person. Something you expect to come up behind you and tap you on the shoulder. But when it does, you turn around and find yourself looking in the mirror, because that is all it is, you.

Some days the tears just feel like they want to come out on their own. I do not have anything to cry about, I am happy; life is good. Yet at the slightest inkling of something, I feel the tears coming. It does not matter what it is, just cue the waterworks. I call it my leaky eyes.

Sometimes little things bring it on, like lack of sleep or more importantly a change in routine. Routine is important for someone like me, so depression brings eating the same food over and over, watching the same movie on repeat. Which is how I feel most of the time, sort of like life is on repeat.  Even the change in the weather will do it to me.

Nevertheless, I carry on, move forward with life and try not to isolate myself from the rest of the world in the process. It is tough, like walking through a thick mud when you try to move. Still I’m left to carry on where I left off the day before.

I have a list a mile long of things to be done. Okay, maybe not a mile long, but for me a very long list. I am lucky if I get the top few things on that list done which are typically the easiest things, before I shut down. However, it is what I have do, day in day out. Trying to accomplish as much as I can before that magic moment when I hit my proverbial invisible wall and cannot find the will to continue.

With chronic pain, chronic fatigue, fibro, and a recovering with a broken foot, my list keeps getting longer and my proverbial wall keeps getting taller.  My frustration gets more and more insurmountable.

Most people have at least one person, a spouse, significant other, close friends, relatives, etc that live pretty close to them that are readily available to help and go to bat with and for them.  Well, I have my mom, 2 hours away, who came to be with me and K for my surgery and to stay for a couple days then left to go on her trip to Tennessee with her cousin.  I talk to her daily while on this trip…she checks in to make sure I am ok, but that doesn’t help me physically with this challenging time.  Where is everyone else?  No clue.

I do have relatives in the area.  Probably less than 20 miles away or so.  But I have not heard or seen anything from them.  Pretty sure they know I have had this surgery.  I know they know about my other stuff going on as well.  They do know I am a single mom.  Anyone help out?  Nope.  Have I reached out?  No.  Should I have to?  I don’t think I should have to either.  You would think that people would know from having other friends and family in their lives that sometimes folks just need others.  Maybe I am naive or have too high of expectations.  I don’t know.  Maybe I think they need to be mind readers.  Maybe I do need to call them.  But then that is a risk of me making them feel like I am putting them out.  Would that guilt them into coming all the way over here to help me?  Would that put a crimp in their busy day of doing their family stuff?  I don’t know.

Yes, I am afraid to ask.  I am afraid to ask for help.  Because I have been turned down so many times that I don’t want to bother anyone anymore.  I just do it all by myself.  The only way to get it done is to do it myself.

I don’t know.  I do have friends that would love to help me….but they live states away….Washington, Kansas, Arkansas, Texas, Iowa…etc.  But here I am in Minnesota.  I have friends across the Cities and haven’t heard from any.  Hmmmmmm…….I don’t know.  I just don’t know anymore.

 

 

 

 

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