Talk about volatile moods….holy shit. Rapid cycling or whatever. I hate being bipolar sometimes. I hate this. I hate my illness.
I haven’t felt like this in awhile, which is very hard for me. I actually had feelings of wanting out. Wanting to cut. Wanting to take more xanax than I need to tonight. But I can’t. I have to drive tomorrow. I have to take K to Iowa for that stupid birthday party.
Some of what fed into my cycle was what she did tonight as well. Another bout of her attitude and smart mouth and anger and pissy-ness. She peeled the wallpaper again off the f’n wall in her bedroom. We live in an apartment. I can’t afford for her to keep doing this. I don’t have the money to pay for the landlords to repaper her room. I can’t even afford for anything the rest of this month. I have $58 to my name for the rest of October…how the hell am I supposed to support my ass and hers and it’s only the 4th of October?
My fucked up foot. I can’t work yet. I can’t do anything. I just want to ditch the crutches and whatever and go find a stupid ass job and get some money. I hate this. I can’t live on this little check I get a month. Paying $700 a month for this little shit ass apartment. It sucks. I don’t even have money to pay for the rest of my medicine this month. I just want to give up.