I just want to stop crying everyday. I also want the anger to go away too. One moment I am all tears, the next angry as a bull seeing red. Why? the only thing I can think that is triggering this (other than my daughters outbursts recently) is the old fricken tapes in my head. They are back telling me how worthless and horrible a person I am. How much of a failure I am. blah blah blah.
It’s so hard when I have K freakin out because she wants something that she can’t have or do something that we can’t do because there is no money, etc. She is angry at me because I get angry at her. It’s like a never-ending circle. I don’t know where or when it ends. I get angry because she feels she is entitled to have all the things she asks for and then some. I am supposed to go and do and whatever when she wants it. But my wallet and bank account, my body and head just can’t do it.
I am in pain. Not just this damn emotional pain but the physical pain. I hate having this chronic pain disease or illness or whatever it is called. I hate lupus. I hate fibro. I am sick of physical pain everyday when I get up. I choose not to take the benzo’s because I hate how they make me feel. So I choose to live with the pain. My fault.
Emotionally I am drained. On this roller coaster of anger and crying. Throw in a huge handful of anxiety and I’m a hot mess. I went to this new psychiatrist today. Was a total waste of my time. Basically she said that I should go back to my old doc because she doesn’t have time to treat “someone like me”. Well, it’s that a lovely thing to say to a person who is on the verge of tears and anger??? So I walk out and call that damn clinic back and ask Susie to get me in with a psychiatrist with the soonist opening. The soonist opening….3 1/2 weeks away. But with a different doc than who I have been seeing. It’s a lady. I have never had a lady psychiatrist. I hope she knows what she is doing. I hope she doesn’t load me up on meds like the past doc.
Why am I so angry? I don’t get it. I mean I do, but I don’t. They are just all so much little things that are stupid to be mad at. Why get angry at the little things? Am I just being petty?
- lack of money/no job
- foot in boot still
- can’t exercise yet
- eating sucks
- k talking back
- laundry piling up
- I’m alone
- no support
- physically can’t do things I need to get done…cleaning up the balcony flowers and stuff
- cleaning the apartment, etc
- getting groceries up the stairs
- k’s insistence on clashing clothes to go to school
- k’s constant yelling at me telling me that i am stupid and horrible mom
- k throwing things at me when she is mad
I probably should be doing a gratitude list instead. That would be the more Christian thing to do. But I am tired of being or playing that everything is fine when I am outside….it’s a game out there. I hate it. I hate being home too. I haven’t felt like hurting myself in years….and then yesterday and today…..BAM!! I haven’t done any cutting or massive pill swallowing. But my god, the thoughts are there. again.