Life and Everyday

I think I understand now

Maybe…..

as i have been sitting here tonight after k has been in bed…
thinking about this time of year….
what has happened at this time of year….
i have been filling out papers for this new shrink….for k’s new in-home skills worker, asking about my past…asking about past hospitalizations, doctors, therps, medications, suicide attempts, et etc etc
in 2010, i had my last hospitalization….it was when i had my last miscarriage. Dr. Z wanted to make sure i wasn’t going to fall over the edge.   i was 14 weeks pregnant.   my meltdown……i get it now.
i don’t want to lose k again.  i am making myself crazy trying to NOT lose her that i feel like i will lose her.  i am angry at myself because of everything that has gone wrong.  everything that is wrong with me.  everything i want to fix.  and i can’t. i feel like i am failing at getting to where i want to be.  i can’t lose her again.  i won’t go through the pain of losing a child again.
does that make sense?
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