I regularly feel angry and lots of guilt
The possible solutions:
1. Act on feelings.
2. Find a way to cope.
There were no other options. They were the only two options I could see. It was up to me and only me to decide which one to choose. How did I decide? I looked at both possibilities in turn & wrote down all the things that would flow from acting upon either possibility. As far as I can remember here is what I wrote.
If I act on my feelings what will happen?
1. I blow up at K and she gets all pissy at me as I get more pissy at her. Then the guilt sets in because I yelled at her but I am not sure why.
2. I can give up. I don’t have to keep fighting anymore. I can surrender (which would be bliss). I can go ahead and take more pills or hurt myself. I won’t have to hurt her or anyone else for that matter (the bliss part).
3. All being well, I will simply stop existing. A simple and effective solution.
4. If I am not careful, K will find out, possibly call grandma or freak out or whatever. Or I could feel so much guilt that I call the crisis line myself and talk to them.
5. If end calling the crisis line I could end up in a psych ward and will definitely face unwanted questions from professionals & family.
Numbers 4 & 5 on that list were enough to get me thinking about my other choice.
Finding a way to cope. How?
1. Yell and scream and vent it all out. Causes much chaos and tears and frustration with both K and myself. Plus that awkward silence and tension.
2. Self harm (won’t kill me & I finally get to surrender to my daily urges so will really enjoy it).
3. Email Adam and/or Peggy and see if I can get a reply from either of them (very unlikely)
4. Call the Canvas Health crisis line. Talk to someone there. (might not be worth it as I don’t live in Washington county anymore….though my shrink is from there.)
5. Find things I can do to help myself.
What am I going to do? I don’t know. I did the yelling and crap earlier today. Didn’t do anything to help the situation. Just covered a situation to make it more uncomfortable. K is still doing all the little things that irritate the hell out of me. (And she knows it, so she keeps doing it).
I took 5 ativan and layed down for a nap. Slept only for not quite an hour. Got up and did my obligatory Church Online stuff. (my distraction)….still didn’t work. so here I sit…writing. trying to figure out what is next. so what next? I really don’t want to email Adam or Peggy. It’s the weekend and getting a response is very highly unlikely at this point. Yay for them.
If I call the crisis line,,,,,what the hell do I say to them? Life sucks. End of story. Idk. At this point…IDC.
yes I have a pissy ass attitude.
few friends say, “give it God.” He will give you all the help you need. He is there for you during this hard time. All my head hears is blah blah blah blah…..I can’t do that right now.
God can’t fix this feeling at the moment. been here before and tried to get God to help me….didn’t work. Don’t think He will help now either.