I wish I had an answer

I wish I had the answer to all the why’s right now.  I have so many of them.  Too many to write here right now.  But I don’t.  I don’t think anyone really does.  Maybe God does.  Maybe not.  I just don’t know.

There are so many things I am trying to figure out right now.  My mind is like mush.

(@Marueen Lang)

(@Marueen Lang)

You know, like the cereal at the end of the bowl that has soaked up too much milk and you are not so sure you want to eat it?  Well, that is what K does anyway.  🙂    I am good  at making lists.  I make them all the times.  I probably take stock in sticky notes as well.  I have gone through so many!  I have a tendency to write things down to just get them out of my head.  It’s like emptying my head out because if I don’t, I dwell on whatever is inside for ever!  If I write it down, then it’s “out there”.  Sometimes that is good and sometimes not so good.  Depends on who finds that list and actually reads it.  Ya know?

As you have maybe read in earlier posts, I have been so very angry and my bipolar stuff has been rearing it’s ugly head a lot lately.  I have had so much physical pain that it’s been completely unbearable, which totally fed into my bipolar rants and crap.  Today, I woke up in a foul mood as well.  I think I am kind of ok at the moment.  My main why at the current moment is :  Why in the earth do kids wake up at the butt crack of dawn on the weekends but are like pulling teeth to get out of bed on the weekdays?  I just don’t get it.  I think maybe I should take away the kindle for a morning on the weekend and see if she will sleep in.  If I do that, then she doesn’t have that “to look forward” to in getting up.  That sounds really terrible of me.  It’s not that I want to sleep to til noon or something, but I would just like to sleep until 7am or something.  Is that bad?

Anyway, been trying to figure this stuff about anger.  I got from the anger to depression…in a matter of moments.  I know my mental health (or lack of) is out of whack again.  I probably need my medication adjusted again.  I can’t get in to see this new doc until Oct.23.  I look at the calendar, it’s only 2 weeks away, but in my head it seems so long.  It’s another two weeks of mood swings and figuring out how to cope with it.  Not lashing out at K or myself.

I have been reading this book called “Soul Shaping”  by Jeff Brown.  It’s a really good book.  It really makes me think.  It’s about finding yourself.  Yeah I know.  Another book like that.  He says something that really hit me, it goes like this:  “It is important to grant yourself the permission to wander as part of your spiritual journey.  So often mischaracterized as lostness, there is a kind of immerson in the not knowing that is actually quite necessary if we are going to find our way home.  So much information can come up when we are looking in no particular direction.  By surrendering to the unknown, we create the space for a deeper knowing to emerge.  In the heart of the the no knowing, the paths that we are here to walk, reveal themselves.”

Maybe I am walking in that unknowing right now….in the whys?  Maybe my spirituality is in the whys too?  I know God is there but where?  Not sure.  I don’t feel Him right now.

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