What a big question! There are so many little things….I don’t think there is just one big thing….
I have always told myself and others probably, that I am not usually an angry person. But lately I would have to say that isn’t necessarily true. Although, MEA break and K being at g’ma’s did help some to get things back into perspective. (add a short stint hospital stay on the mental health unit too)
So I sat down this past weekend and made a list. Everything on the list wasn’t huge. They were little things. Some seemed really insignificant but they ticked me off to a point.
- not finding enough quarters to do a load of laundry
- the fridge needs to be cleaned out….again
- the dishwasher needs to be unloaded and reloaded
- my closet needs to be cleaned out
- k’s clothes need to be gone through…again
- I want a vacation and there is no money for one
- i have more month than money…again
- the apartment is dusty…those dustbunnies keep moving
- the balcony needs cleaning off….those metal bunkbed parts need to be in the recycling bin
- I feel fat
- my foot is still in the boot and I can’t do all the things I want to do
- my apt manager wanted the extra storage closet, so now I have all these empty boxes that i had in there, in my kitchen and no place to put them….
So, what do I do with that? My list is longer….it actually took up the front and part of the back of a piece of notebook paper…..
What can I learn from this? I have been reading a book called Soul Shaping by Jeff Brown. I think I have mentioned this before. Here is another quote from him, ” We are much too hard on ourselves. Really we are. We beat ourselves up, we ‘should’ on ourselves, we compare ourselves to others, we postpone self-love until we reach a stage of perfection that is impossibly unrealistic. We are so hard on ourselves, but how are we to know better? It’s not like there is a book that lays it all down. Its not like we downloaded perfection. We are still writing that book, writing it with the blood of lessons learned, writing it with ink that is forged in the fires of transformation. We are learning as we g(r)o(w). So lets give ourselves a break. Often. Kindly. Gently. Really. It’s a huge thing to grow beyond the parameters of our familiar ways of being. Berating ourselves won’t get us anywhere. A little self-love will go a long way…”
Self love? Me??? Love myself? Oh there are way too many things to count to NOT love….. but let me bring another train of thought about self love…..
The Bible talks about the law of harvest. It’s the season of harvest now right? My brother and brother-in-law are both in the fields. (both are farmers). What you reap is what you sow, right? My brother plants soybeans and corn. So then he reaps both soybeans and corn (well this year…was not a good year for corn…so he made silage). But you get the picture. So if you plant, say poison oak, you will get poison oak…but who goes around planting poison oak??? NOT ME!! But I have happened upon it!
Poison oak is kinda like anger. Sometimes you just happen upon it. Like poison oak, if you touch it, it festers. It itches, and you want to scratch it. Anger sometimes does that too. I know it festers. It does that in me. I don’t acknowledge it right away and something little will set me off like a ticking time bomb. It’s like picking a scab. Then it oozes all over. I know, YUCK!!!
Anyways, in the book of James, chapter 3 verse 10 says ” Praise and cursing come out of the same mouth. My brothers and sisters, it should be that way.” And in the same chapter verses 17-18, “But he wisdom and that comes from heaven is pure. That’s the most important thing about it. And that’s not all. It also loves peace. It thinks about others. It obeys. It is full of mercy and good fruit. It is fair. It doesn’t pretend to be what it is not. Those who make peace should plant peace like a seed. If they do, it will produce a crop of right living.”
WHOA!!! Plant some peace….I will get peace??? hmmmm
So maybe if I stop hollering at K, she will stop hollering at me? Maybe if I approach her with loving-kindness and peacefulness, she won’t get so rebellious with me? hmmmm Maybe if I give myself a break with my foot being in a boot and acknowledging that well, I just can’t do all the strenuous things right now, that it’s ok?
I’m the one who let K start the habit of getting by with not doing her chore. I’m the one who didn’t follow through with consequences. I let it slide. I am the one who chose to play on facebook instead of cleaning out the fridge or doing the dishes right away. ugh!!
All these little things add up. I have to say, if I tackle my list, little by little, I think maybe I can tackle my anger bit by bit. Ya know?
I probably will get discouraged as I find myself doing so very often. But I have to keep reminding myself that God is in this with me. Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all of you who are tired and are carrying heavy loads. I will give you rest.” God loves me no matter what. No matter where or what I am doing. I make mistakes just like everyone else. I know Jesus got angry. God was there with him too.
So back to the poison oak….I might want to pull it out…but I have to put on my gloves so I don’t get it all over and get itchy. God’s love is my glove! I will “attack” K with love. I will attack my anger and frustration toward myself with a little more loving kindness as well. I hope you can do the same. Take some time to love yourself a bit in the process……