I feel alone tonight. Like really alone. I know K is in her room sleeping. I tried to go to bed and sleep but I can’t sleep. But I feel alone. I am being selfish for feeling this alone? Is is selfish of me to want to NOT be alone? Am I selfish to just think of myself and K and not stretch out beyond our little apartment? The want to is there but I haven’t quite made it out. What’s the saying…..the road to good intentions don’t get you anywhere?
Is it selfish of me to wonder why or if people read my blog? Why they don’t comment or do they really care if or what I write about? I know people used to read it more. Am I that boring now? Do I just complain more? Do I need to change what I write about? Why aren’t people reading? What is it? Lack of time on the reader’s part? Bad writing on my part? Am I just being selfish and petty and childish for wanting more? It’s chucking into my loneliness of being here and wondering if anyone is out there reading or caring or not.
I guess I shouldn’t care. I am getting stuff out of my head and out here. But I seek that validation. I am a freakin people pleaser. always have been. something i need to constantly work on. something some of my friends keep harping on me about. stop it!
I guess lately I feel more “needy”. Maybe it’s just the time of year. Maybe because my job ended and my foot surgery. My lack of anything to do. Not being able to work or find anything constructive to do other than go to appointments and such. I love doing stuff with K, don’t get me wrong, but that is just a part of the day. That’s the mom thing. What about the other hours of the day? What about all the quiet hours? my “head” time?
I tend to give and give and give without complaint because I just love to do it. But why do I love to? Because it makes me feel special, valued, or loved.
Somehow I hang my value on what I can do for someone else. Somehow I dismiss my own needs so that I will feel appreciated for supporting someone else’s. Somehow my helpful nature is actually harmful to me.
So what do I do with all this now? I guess I tend to my own needs and do what I need to do for myself. No one can soothe myself but me. Life goes on…..