feeling like a failure

So the whole purpose of this thing was for me to start writing again and to practice. But I just spent 30 minutes trying to write something and it came out like a hot mess of crap. It started off fake so I deleted it, then the second round was just me rambling. Then, I spent the last part just staring at my writing and wondering how to fix it. So I scrapped it and decided just to talk write about how I failed.
I failed the end.
Failing sucks actually. Like even at little things, failing still feels pretty crappy. You ever tried opening a bottle and had to ask someone for help? You failed at bottles. I think my Achilles’ heel is social things. Someone tried to make a connection with you and you just ended up making them feel awkward and regret talking to you? You failed at friends.
After the initial depression of failing, I usually go into my defensive mode of applying the blame to other places. Even completely unrelated places. “Of course I couldn’t write! The tv show I was listening to was too damn distracting. Who could write in those conditions?!” Then I revert to another stage of depression usually based on the fact that I have to lie to make myself feel better.
Then I get frustrated. “Just stop over complicating things! You suck at writing and that’s it. Get over it. Some people have it worse than you. Some people have phobias of elevators!” Then back to depression.
Have you ever felt like you fail at having a mental illness? “Why are you happy today? You’re friends are going to think that you’re normal like them. Dammit! You can’t even be a depressed person normally!”
Failure’s not so bad. You could be a winner. Those people are the real losers. Who wants a bunch of people expecting things from you and demanding that you be a functional member of society? Oh hell no, I don’t have the time for that. I’d rather be a failure and have my few victories celebrated than a winner and have every mistake pointed out.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “feeling like a failure

  1. You hit the nail on the head! If you try then people will have expectations, that’s enough to shut anyone down. I’m learning to do it despite what people say and in spite of how I feel.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s