Life and Everyday

I’m Trying


I am trying.  I really am.

To make sense out of memories coming up.
Of people saying that I am too busy.
I have too many appointments.
That too many people are messing me up
With all the advice they think is right for me.
He says I just need to listen to my gut.
Maybe I am too busy.
But I don’t want to give up the people, the professionals
That help me put my crazy life in some sort of order.
I am trying.
Trying to make sense of an 11 year old with ADHD
I don’t know that I can do this all alone.
I have the people I need to help me to help her.
Then there’s pain.  That nagging physical pain.
Can’t I just get it all to go away.
Maybe just not feel it all today.
I need to find something to lessen the physical
So that I can focus on all the other things.
I don’t want my mind clouded right now.
I know some of why my heart hurts like mad
Memories of a kid that hurt me long ago
Not having enough backbone
Not realizing or knowing that I might just be strong enough
Finding at times it’s easier to stay stuck – but not wanting to be there.
Longing for love and care and compassion
Not knowing that I will find it
Finding myself repeating old shit in my head
Things that hurt me in different ways
I want to believe you.
I want to believe Aimee and Trish
I want to believe my gut
I want to believe in my intuition again
I am trying.
I am sad.
I don’t want to stay in sadness, hurt, and loneliness.
I’m trying.

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