what I know for sure

This post is not to evoke pity or feeling sorry for myself.  I just want to throw this out there for myself and others to know what kinds of things I have been struggling with.  I don’t even know where to begin.  some of these things run together with other things too.

I have:

Chronic Pain

Ehlers-Danlos syndrome

Degenerative spine

Bi Polar disorder

Generalized anxiety

PSTD

Bulimia/ Anorexia  (I sway between the two)

GERD

Hypothyroidism

Fibromylgia (but not sure if that has to do with the EDS)

—————————————–

Though I deal with these things on a regular basis, I continue to live and push through every pain that I have.  I have to because I am a single mom.  I do this on my own.  I will continue on my own.  Even though I have a caring boyfriend right now, I don’t think that he understands what it is that I go through on a daily basis.  I am not sure there is anyone any more who understands what is going on.

I am tired.  I am sore.  I hate pain.  But I keep going, because I have to.  My daughter depends on me.  She needs me to be well.  She needs me to be ok.  I have let her down before, I don’t want to do that again.  We have been fighting and butting heads like mad.  But I think it’s her medicine.  I need to see if she can get in to see her doctor sooner than Thursday.  I think her meds need to be changed.  I believe that what she is on is making her itch and then she is picking at her skin and making everything raw and painful.  I have got to figure this out.  I will call Dr. Enders tomorrow.  I hope to get her in soon.

I don’t hate life because of all the illness in my life.  I don’t like all these things.  I have been trying to figure my way around them or ways of coping and dealing with them.

My right foot with all the surgeries I have had, also causes pain. But I am so trying to push throug and make it ok.  I want to start walking and just being active.. I have to.  I am feeling really fat and ugly.  Katey sees me as fat too.  She said that to me tonight.  I don’t know what the bf thinks of me.  He doesn’t always say much.  He just keeps telling me “one thing at a time”.  Just breathe.  Pray.  Sometimes I just want to discuss things with him.  But he has one thing in common with Katey…they don’t talk much about what is going on in their head.  Maybe I care way too much.

Let it go…right?  I love you all.

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4 thoughts on “what I know for sure

  1. Kent Dolezal says:

    I feel that same way, I have so many struggles in life that I just don’t know what to do at times. I am a strong person but yet have soft spot in me who wants others to be able to know the real me; not just the person they think they see. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve messed up my life too much, why do I have so much pain in my life. I’m dealing with Crohn’s disease and colon cancer and with financial problems too. Because of the financial problems I don’t want to add to them and won’t see a doctor unless I really have too. This means, I don’t know if the cancer is growing, so I know some day I could get very bad news. But, I’m OK with that because I know someday I’ll have a home in Heaven where there is not pain.

    I also have a bad ankle and now my “good” ankle hurts just as bad. I wear braces on them both that help me walk and am sure there is arthritis in them and taking 2 Aleve pills twice a day helps some too. I love my job but working 56 hours (or more) each week is starting to get to me.

    I am thankful for my relationship with my fiancee and her two boys. They love me but I just think they don’t know all the things I go through! Some nights I only get 3 or 4 hours of sleep because I have to be up somedays at 2:30 AM. Giving my job 100% for 10 or 12 hours is hard on me because I know I have anemia going on from my Crohn’s disease then to come home and take care of them. And now I am wondering if I’m starting to have heart problems. I’ve had a persistent cough alone with my gastroesophageal reflux getting worse too.

    All I can do is take things one day at a time and trust in the Lord. My faith is what keeps me going, I know Jesus loves me and I give my life so serve the Lord the best I can with what I have. I have to trust others more and be open to receiving help and know I’m not alone.

    You are not alone Julie!

    • Julie says:

      I really do know what you mean. Been there. I hope you do take care of yourself where the cancer is concerned. You deserve to hang around for your fiancee and the boys. Don’t give in to the cancer yet. Taking care of yourself is important too. Hugs.

  2. So much going on! Remember your blog says: Journey to Wholeness. This is a journey, to wholeness – one day at a time, one step a time. Take care of yourself first, then let everything else fall into place. It will happen.

    • Julie says:

      Trying to remember how to take care of myself. I think first thing now is to sleep some more. I am totally exhausted. Thank you Gale

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