Life and Everyday

30 Days of Thankful??? What is that?

I want it

It’s been one of those weekends.  I have been seeing on FB all these folks doing 30 days of Thankful.  But I am having a really hard time this year.  Not sure why….but I have some ideas.

She always want something, but do not understand the concept of waiting or trying to earn the money to get whatever she wants.  Sometimes it’s not even in a store but here at home.  I want some candy.  I want that cookie dough.  I want, I want, I want……

For the past few weeks, I have been bombarded with “I need”, “I want”, and “Can you do this for me…”. I have not heard “Let me help”, “Can I help?”, or “What can I do?”. I have been angry at the world and everyone around me because of this. It has not been a good week to be in my head, with the slightest thing setting me off to an entire day of not-in-a-good-mood-leave-me-alone-and-stop-talking-to-me attitude. Yes, my attitude has been that big.

I just had that rhizotomy done on Friday afternoon.  I am having pain in my low back still.  I am trying the best I can gritting my teeth through the pain.  I feel like I keep doing and doing and there is nothing more I can do.  Sometimes I wonder if I can keep going all alone.  R was here this weekend, said he would help get the bikes in the garage and help put up the curtain rod in my bedroom.  But that didn’t happen either.

K doesn’t do much of anything but keep asking me for this and that.  Mostly junk that isn’t good for her.  I am trying to get the shitty food out of the apartment so that maybe this ADHD stuff might get better.  I am about at the end of my rope in dealing with her and the attitude.  I wonder if it is pre-teen/teen hormone crap or just the ADHD.  I know her medicine isn’t working well.  She is still picking at her skin around her nails. biting the skin off her lip.  Picking at scabs, etc.    I really don’t know what  to do anymore.  Consequences for her throwing a holy cow doesn’t work anymore.  Trying to talk to her about what is going on is useless.  I am failing.  Again, nobody wants to be in my head because they will want out quick.

She is starting a new school/program called YTP/Life Span.  They will come and bus her to and from the program.  They have therapy part of the day and then academics too.  They are supposed to be helping her learn coping techniques, social skills, etc.  I know she is 11 but she needs to learn how to relate to people in general.  I know she loves me.  I love her more than I can write here.  I totally hope this can help her, because I have no more in me.  I am tired.  I am spent.  I am in physical pain and can do no more.

I don’t even know how to take care of myself in all this mess anymore.  I just have to keep going and moving forward despite the shit in my brain, despite the pain, despite my own mental illness/pain.  Just keep going….


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