Life and Everyday

When will it stop hurting?

When will it stop? I’m not sure.  I don’t think that pain will ever go away.

This morning started out like most Mondays, up at 5:30 am now, since K gets picked up earlier to go to her new school.  Got her ready and out the door.  I sat down on the couch and YOWZA!!  Pain surged through my body.  From my low back to my neck.  Every bone, muscle, fiber of my being hurt like it had hot stickers poking me.  I settled into the couch for just a bit, took my morning fistfull of medicine and just tried to relax.  I needed to be at the middle school to gather K’s things from her locker and turn in books from the library and her teacher’s room.

As I finally get my arse out the door, those damn steps….oh those steps down to the door.  My low back yelled at me like mad.  Made it to and out the door.  Then I see the garage door….oh good Lord, why today?  Why does everything have to hurt today??!!!  OK so… the car, crank the heat.  It’s cold out…oh so cold out.  Stupid Minnesota first days of winter.

Made it to the middle school.  Talked with those I needed to, almost lost it….tears and more tears.  But I made it.  Back in the cold and out to my car.  Dang, so not ready for cold.  Give me another few weeks to get used to this.  I’ll be better.

Then I made the decision I was going to go grab a few groceries at Weird World…I mean Wal Mart.  Am a freakin crazy??  I guess so.  I had to fly through the store because a social worker was coming to my place at 11am.  Walked so fast that I thought my feet were going to fly out from under me.  When all done and out to my car…..tears….tears…and more tears.  OMG!!  PAIN!!  How was I going to get these groceries up those stairs?  How?  How?  I cried and cried.  All the way back to the apartment, I had tears.  I thought about leaving them in the trunk but I couldn’t.  So, I took as many bags as I could handle at least semi-less-painfully.  Then the stairs……I thought I was going to die!!!  I got them up the stairs and opened my door and then literally dropped them on the floor.  Then back down again…..same feeling as previous….same pain as previous only more thumping in my body this time.  Push through like I always do…..up the stairs….open door…drop groceries on the floor.

Tears….I can’t just sit.  I have get them put away.  This lady will be here in a half hour.  Damn.  Tears.  One by one I get everything put away.  Sat down once again.  I don’t want to do it…but I did.  I took a pain pill.  I hate doing that!!!  Eventually the pain lessens.  The doorbell rings and she is here.  Long long chat and oodles of papers to sign.

So after all that “stuff”, I laid down and slept.  I thought I had set my alarm…..around 3pm, K comes walking in.  She is home from school.  OMG…..I missed my appointments at the ED clinic.  Oh they are going to be pissed at me.  *shakes head*

I don’t know why I get so angry when I lay down and rest some.  For years, I have pushed though all this pain and just do what I had to do.  It didn’t matter how crappy I felt, I just had to keep doing and going and being.

K is finally in bed.  I am still so tired.  I haven’t talked to Robert today except a few texts.  But guess what I am doing?  oh yes….a few loads of laundry.  And you know what else?  yup…still in pain.  Bones ache.  I know it’s just the coldness of winter coming on.  I will get used to the cold.  I always do.  The first month or so is hell for me though.

What was I saying?  oh yeah, still have pain.  I suppose I will take another pain pill.  Just so I can get through until I take my night time meds.  I have one dim light on and the tv.  Watching Dancing With the Stars.  Watching these stars dance, so nimble and effortless and beautiful.  I was and will never be a dancer.  I can’t move like that.  K is a dancer.  I love to watch.  Again some sadness, realizing there are so many things I can not do.  Still, they float on air…..

Sometimes I feel like I just float back up to the decent-ness of life.  Am I thankful?  Yes.  I think so.  This year I am not doing the usually 30 days of thankful mainly because it’s been such a hard hard year for me.  (which is probably why I should be doing it)  I am thankful, but it’s so hard to be thankful with so much other stuff happening that is not good.  I have tried to be more thankful.  I have all these shoulds in my head.  So I guess I will stop here.  Tomorrow is a new day.

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