Life and Everyday

30 Days of Thankful??? What is that?

I want it

It’s been one of those weekends.  I have been seeing on FB all these folks doing 30 days of Thankful.  But I am having a really hard time this year.  Not sure why….but I have some ideas.

She always want something, but do not understand the concept of waiting or trying to earn the money to get whatever she wants.  Sometimes it’s not even in a store but here at home.  I want some candy.  I want that cookie dough.  I want, I want, I want……

For the past few weeks, I have been bombarded with “I need”, “I want”, and “Can you do this for me…”. I have not heard “Let me help”, “Can I help?”, or “What can I do?”. I have been angry at the world and everyone around me because of this. It has not been a good week to be in my head, with the slightest thing setting me off to an entire day of not-in-a-good-mood-leave-me-alone-and-stop-talking-to-me attitude. Yes, my attitude has been that big.

I just had that rhizotomy done on Friday afternoon.  I am having pain in my low back still.  I am trying the best I can gritting my teeth through the pain.  I feel like I keep doing and doing and there is nothing more I can do.  Sometimes I wonder if I can keep going all alone.  R was here this weekend, said he would help get the bikes in the garage and help put up the curtain rod in my bedroom.  But that didn’t happen either.

K doesn’t do much of anything but keep asking me for this and that.  Mostly junk that isn’t good for her.  I am trying to get the shitty food out of the apartment so that maybe this ADHD stuff might get better.  I am about at the end of my rope in dealing with her and the attitude.  I wonder if it is pre-teen/teen hormone crap or just the ADHD.  I know her medicine isn’t working well.  She is still picking at her skin around her nails. biting the skin off her lip.  Picking at scabs, etc.    I really don’t know what  to do anymore.  Consequences for her throwing a holy cow doesn’t work anymore.  Trying to talk to her about what is going on is useless.  I am failing.  Again, nobody wants to be in my head because they will want out quick.

She is starting a new school/program called YTP/Life Span.  They will come and bus her to and from the program.  They have therapy part of the day and then academics too.  They are supposed to be helping her learn coping techniques, social skills, etc.  I know she is 11 but she needs to learn how to relate to people in general.  I know she loves me.  I love her more than I can write here.  I totally hope this can help her, because I have no more in me.  I am tired.  I am spent.  I am in physical pain and can do no more.

I don’t even know how to take care of myself in all this mess anymore.  I just have to keep going and moving forward despite the shit in my brain, despite the pain, despite my own mental illness/pain.  Just keep going….

Life and Everyday

Tired but wanting

I am tired.  Another night of almost 2 hours of sleep.  This is nuts!  I don’t know why I am not sleeping.  I have so much on my mind but I can’t get my fingers to write.  Usually I can write about anything and everything.  But it’s like a road block between my head and my hands.

I want to write.  I want it to make sense.  Maybe later I can write……

Life and Everyday


feeling rather lonely tonight.  not sure what it’s all about.  nothing has changed around here.  things have been going along smoothly.  not sure.

i feel an emptiness.  maybe it’s the winter doldrums kicking in.  january gets to be so long.  and it’s dragging on and on.

i know i need to come here and write more.  maybe that would help with the doldrums?  i don’t really know.  K keeps playing on the kindle and it’s so quiet in here.  it’s like no one is home but me sometimes.  mine craft keeps her busy and way too quiet.  i like it when she is talking and engaged.  but she isn’t lately.  so maybe i should dig deep and write more.  not really sure what i’d write about though.  my head is empty most of the time.  lol  or so it seems.

my writing prompt for today is….

January 18
Free association
Write down the first words that comes to mind when we
say . . . home. . . soil. . . rain. Use those words in the title of
your post.

guess i am using it.  lonely.  when i think of home, soil and rain….it is sometimes lonely.  but i also think  flowers.  i like to plant flowers.  living in an apartment, i don’t get much chance to plant my favorite flowers….tulips.  they are short lived…in the spring.  i can’t wait til CDA gets me up higher on the list and i can rent a townhome.  i will plant flowers out front and tulips will be in the ground in the fall…all ready for spring.  i hope my name comes up in march or april.  i really need to move out of this place.

the manager came to my door today and told me i am supposed to be outside supervising my 10 year old daughter while she plays in the snow.  what?  a kid can’t go out and play in the large yard without me?  that is nuts.  she knows the rules and adheres to them.  but she came and gave me the what for this afternoon regarding K in the yard.  i would understand if she was 6 or 7…they need supervision because they don’t normally know the limits.  but i haven’t had any problems with K.  not in the last year or so being outside.  the manager even said something about her flower gardens.  THEY ARE COVERED IN 8 – 10 INCHES OF SNOW!!  what does that have to do with anything.  i could see if they were blooming and stuff, but snow covered?  come on.  give me a break.  even just a couple inches, i could see but as much as we have now?  that’s nuts.  one more reason to move.

that has been my day in a nut shell.  oh the joy.  maybe tomorrow will be better.

Life and Everyday

I hear her

As I close my fogged over eyes,

i hear her hear breathe.

like so many times before.

i hear the rustle of the blanket she holds close to her.

it’s soft and pink, the one she got for her last birthday.

i remember days long ago just listening to her breathe.  how that sound just make my heart melt.

the softness of each breath, in and out….

i wonder what she dreams about?  I still wonder what she dreams about?

Do she dream about about the angry things we said to each other the night before?

does she dream about or remember that i love her, every night that I tell her that I really do?

Does she remember the little stupid things I say in the heat of the moment of my despair and anger that slip past my tongue before I realize i have said them?

oh my heart hurts in anger for what i have done.

I believe that i have damaged her so much.

People have told me that I haven’t.  before she was sent to grandmas when she was 5…K and i was as close as a mom and kid could get.  i didn’t just disappear out of her world, i could come and see her whenever I wanted to.  whenever i   needed t.  And i i did.

It wasn’t the same.

but now, i listen.  in the early morning here.  i listen to her breathe.  she is 10 years old.  she struggles every day dealing with me.  a volatile mom.  a sad mom.  a kid herself trying to understand why her ADD and RAD makes her act and react the way she does.  I can’t bear the thought to losing her again.  ever.  I can’t bear the thought of being separated from her again.  it breaks my heart to think that.  I know I need help.  I know I need something.  I am afraid to ask because, I  don’t want them to take her from me.  i love her that much and more.

to the moon and back….around the sun and the moon and the stars….forever and ever…to infinity and beyond.  I love you Stinky Face.

Life and Everyday

Hurting heart ♥

My friend Karen told me this tonight:  you’re looking for someone outside yourself to make you feel good about yourself.  And, it’s not going to work.  You’ve got to be emotionally okay with who you are inside and out before seeking someone to be your life partner.

Yeah…it happened again.  I let a guy get too close and my heart got hurt again.  As I was reading some blogs tonight I came across this blog from Marc and Angel Hack Life.  It’s called:

9 Things a True Friend Would Never Do

An acquaintance has a little something in common with you and merely enjoys your company for a short time.  A fair-weather friend flatters you when the sun is shining and the birds are chirping.  A true friend, on the other hand, has your very best interests at heart and would NEVER…

1.  Criticize you for being flawed.

As flawed as you might be, as out of place as you sometimes feel, and as lacking as you think you are, you don’t have to hide all the imperfect pieces of yourself from a true friend.  They see your flaws as features that make you interesting and beautiful.

The quality of the happiness between two people grows in direct proportion to their acceptance, and in inverse proportion to their intolerance and expectations.  True friends love and appreciate each other just the way they are.

2.  Walk away when times get tough.

True friendship and good character is all about how a person nurtures another person when they are vulnerable and can give very little in return.  Thus, it’s not who’s standing beside you during good times, but the ones who stick by you through tough times that are your true friends.

So take note of who remains in your life when times get tough, especially the people who sacrifice the resources they have in their life to help you improve yours when you need it most.  Seriously, when you come out the other side of a difficult period in your life, look around you.  The people still standing beside you are your true friends.

3.  Discourage you.

Unfortunately, some who seem like your friends will try to hold you back from your full potential.  It may be difficult, but don’t let these negative impostors bring you down.  Don’t ever let your so-called friends turn your sky into a ceiling.  Beware of friends who try to belittle your ambitions.  Small hearts and minds always do that.  The greatest hearts and minds – the people you should spend time around – make you feel that you, too, can become great.

Remember, encouraging things happen when you distance yourself from discouraging people.  Doing so doesn’t mean you hate them, it simply means you respect yourself.  (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

4.  Hold a grudge over your head.

Some people will refuse to accept that you are no longer who you used to be – that you’ve made mistakes in the past, learned from them, and moved beyond them.  They may not be able to stand the fact that you’re growing and moving on with your life, and so they will try to drag your past to catch up with you.  Do not help them by acknowledging their begrudging behavior.  Let go of their negativity, find peace, and liberate yourself!

A true friend never holds the unchangeable past against you; instead, they help your repair your present and future.  If someone relentlessly judges you by your past and holds it against you, you might have to take matters into your own hands, and repair your present and future by leaving them behind.

5.  Lie to you.

When you keep someone in your life who is a chronic liar, and you keep giving them new chances to be trusted, you have a lot in common with this person – you’re both lying and being unfriendly to YOU.

If you know someone who avoids the truth by telling you only what you want to hear, they do so for their own benefit, not yours.  They are not a true friend and they don’t deserve to be treated as such.

6.  Pretend like they have all the answers.

If you think about the people who have had the greatest positive effect on your life – the ones who truly made a difference – you will likely realize that they aren’t the ones that tried to give you all the answers or solve all your problems.  They’re the ones who sat silently with you when you needed a moment to think, who lent you a shoulder when you needed to cry, and who tolerated not having all the answers, but stood beside you anyway.

Don’t look for a friend who will solve all your problems; look for one who will face them with you.  (Read Tuesdays with Morrie.)

7.  Take from you without giving back.

You deserve to be with friends who make you smile – friends who don’t take you for granted – friends who won’t leave you hanging.  When you notice that a friend is always taking from you without giving back, you might need to distance yourself from them for a while.  If they care, they’ll notice.  If they don’t, you know where you stand.

You should want to give, but you shouldn’t be forced to always give more than you get.  If you feel like you are being taken advantage of, respect yourself enough to confront the situation.  This doesn’t mean you have to stop being friends with those who you feel are at fault, but you need to evaluate your friendships and realize where to draw the line when you give yourself to certain people.

8.  Bully you.

It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but just as much to stand up to your friends.  Sometimes bullying comes from the most unlikely places.  Be cognizant of how your friends treat you, and look out for the subtle jabs they throw.  When necessary, confront them or distance yourself from them – whatever it takes to give yourself the opportunity to grow into who you really are.

Life’s too short to be hanging around people who try to control and manipulate you.  Anyone who does so is not a true friend.  Gain your independence by taking off the shackles and freeing yourself from these bullies.  (Read The Mastery of Love.)

9.  Make you feel like you’re burdening them.

True friendship is never burdened with stressful promises and obligations.  What true friends do for each other should be done because they care and because they want to do them.  Period.

So don’t chase people.  They don’t need to be chased.  If someone is a true friend and wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever force yourself on someone who continuously overlooks your worth.


A true friend who understands your tears and troubles is far more valuable than a hundred friends who only show up for your smiles and joys.  Because a true friend accepts who you truly are, and also helps you become who you are capable of being.

Friendships like this require more than just finding the right person, they also require you to be the right person.  When someone believes in you enough to lift you up, try not to let them down.  True friendship is a sweet responsibility to be nurtured, not an opportunity to be exploited.


Another hard lesson learned tonight.  I know I trust way to easily.  I keep searching outside myself for that acceptance and love.  I know it begins inside me….but I “forget” or I don’t trust myself enough for that to be enough for me, if that makes sense.     I have been alone for so long, I just want to be loved.  I feel unlovable.

Not exactly true, I know.  But by the opposite sex…..I am not so sure.