Tonight I am struggling. I wrote earlier about being angry and trying loving-kindness with myself. Well I failed miserably. I didn’t want to go on about how badly I was doing. I don’t want to complain all the time, which is what I feel like I am doing.
I think nighttime is just hard. After getting K in bed, the apartment is pretty quiet . I had the beginnings of an anxiety attack coming on before she went to bed. I knew it was not going to be easy. But I reached out to a few friends on FB. I focused on my breathing. After a bit….it just was getting worse. My heart was pounding, my hands were shaky and starting to get sweaty. It was hard to type. So I took my nighttime meds. And I waited. And waited. I continued to talk to my FB friends. But the anxiety didn’t let up. I put the computer down and stepped out on the balcony. It’s 35° out there. I went out there to pray. I wasn’t sure why or what to say. I just said, ” God, help me!
I can’t do this alone.”
When I first began, there were tears in my heart. I’m not sure why or where they were coming from exactly. I looked at the sky for a moment. I saw a few stars which was odd considering it was overcast most of the day and snowing pellets on us. But I knew God was there.
I came back in a tad frozen. Still focused on my breathing. Got back on FB and checked back in with my friends. Then it hit me again. This time in the form of having to binge. I made this pumpkin cake dessert for my mom and Tiny when they brought K back home on Sunday. I cut a piece. I ate that. Guilt set in. I had VSG surgery two years ago, I am not supposed to be eating l like that. But then I ate until the whole line of cake I had cut was gone. I had eaten it all.
If you know anything about weight loss surgery you know our stomach can only hold about 3-4 oz of food this far out. I felt absolutely sick. And the guilt set in. If course, had taken my night meds, I was getting sleepy too. So I decided to go to bed. While laying here trying to get comfy, I grabbed the box of crackers, mindlessly, and ate some. About a half hour later I was feeling sick. I went to the bathroom and purged. And purged some more. I know this sounds so gross, but I have to write it out our the guilt will kill me.
About half way through this post I had to get up and do it again. I feel so much shame . And guilt. I hate who I am when I do this. I know God loves me and wants me to beat this. But I don’t know what I go from here.
I see Amanda tomorrow at the Emily Program…..I guess that is a place to start to get honest.
What a big question! There are so many little things….I don’t think there is just one big thing….
I have always told myself and others probably, that I am not usually an angry person. But lately I would have to say that isn’t necessarily true. Although, MEA break and K being at g’ma’s did help some to get things back into perspective. (add a short stint hospital stay on the mental health unit too)
So I sat down this past weekend and made a list. Everything on the list wasn’t huge. They were little things. Some seemed really insignificant but they ticked me off to a point.
not finding enough quarters to do a load of laundry
the fridge needs to be cleaned out….again
the dishwasher needs to be unloaded and reloaded
my closet needs to be cleaned out
k’s clothes need to be gone through…again
I want a vacation and there is no money for one
i have more month than money…again
the apartment is dusty…those dustbunnies keep moving
the balcony needs cleaning off….those metal bunkbed parts need to be in the recycling bin
I feel fat
my foot is still in the boot and I can’t do all the things I want to do
my apt manager wanted the extra storage closet, so now I have all these empty boxes that i had in there, in my kitchen and no place to put them….
So, what do I do with that? My list is longer….it actually took up the front and part of the back of a piece of notebook paper…..
What can I learn from this? I have been reading a book called Soul Shaping by Jeff Brown. I think I have mentioned this before. Here is another quote from him, ” We are much too hard on ourselves. Really we are. We beat ourselves up, we ‘should’ on ourselves, we compare ourselves to others, we postpone self-love until we reach a stage of perfection that is impossibly unrealistic. We are so hard on ourselves, but how are we to know better? It’s not like there is a book that lays it all down. Its not like we downloaded perfection. We are still writing that book, writing it with the blood of lessons learned, writing it with ink that is forged in the fires of transformation. We are learning as we g(r)o(w). So lets give ourselves a break. Often. Kindly. Gently. Really. It’s a huge thing to grow beyond the parameters of our familiar ways of being. Berating ourselves won’t get us anywhere. A little self-love will go a long way…”
Self love? Me??? Love myself? Oh there are way too many things to count to NOT love….. but let me bring another train of thought about self love…..
The Bible talks about the law of harvest. It’s the season of harvest now right? My brother and brother-in-law are both in the fields. (both are farmers). What you reap is what you sow, right? My brother plants soybeans and corn. So then he reaps both soybeans and corn (well this year…was not a good year for corn…so he made silage). But you get the picture. So if you plant, say poison oak, you will get poison oak…but who goes around planting poison oak??? NOT ME!! But I have happened upon it!
Poison oak is kinda like anger. Sometimes you just happen upon it. Like poison oak, if you touch it, it festers. It itches, and you want to scratch it. Anger sometimes does that too. I know it festers. It does that in me. I don’t acknowledge it right away and something little will set me off like a ticking time bomb. It’s like picking a scab. Then it oozes all over. I know, YUCK!!!
Anyways, in the book of James, chapter 3 verse 10 says ” Praise and cursing come out of the same mouth. My brothers and sisters, it should be that way.” And in the same chapter verses 17-18, “But he wisdom and that comes from heaven is pure. That’s the most important thing about it. And that’s not all. It also loves peace. It thinks about others. It obeys. It is full of mercy and good fruit. It is fair. It doesn’t pretend to be what it is not. Those who make peace should plant peace like a seed. If they do, it will produce a crop of right living.”
WHOA!!! Plant some peace….I will get peace??? hmmmm
So maybe if I stop hollering at K, she will stop hollering at me? Maybe if I approach her with loving-kindness and peacefulness, she won’t get so rebellious with me? hmmmm Maybe if I give myself a break with my foot being in a boot and acknowledging that well, I just can’t do all the strenuous things right now, that it’s ok?
I’m the one who let K start the habit of getting by with not doing her chore. I’m the one who didn’t follow through with consequences. I let it slide. I am the one who chose to play on facebook instead of cleaning out the fridge or doing the dishes right away. ugh!!
All these little things add up. I have to say, if I tackle my list, little by little, I think maybe I can tackle my anger bit by bit. Ya know?
I probably will get discouraged as I find myself doing so very often. But I have to keep reminding myself that God is in this with me. Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all of you who are tired and are carrying heavy loads. I will give you rest.” God loves me no matter what. No matter where or what I am doing. I make mistakes just like everyone else. I know Jesus got angry. God was there with him too.
So back to the poison oak….I might want to pull it out…but I have to put on my gloves so I don’t get it all over and get itchy. God’s love is my glove! I will “attack” K with love. I will attack my anger and frustration toward myself with a little more loving kindness as well. I hope you can do the same. Take some time to love yourself a bit in the process……
Oh my!! I read this blog this morning, I just had to repost it for y’all to read. It really opened my eyes to why I have been so angry….or the huge possibility of what could be the root of my anger…. you can find it here: Pages from my Yelling Journal by Susan Baker (it’s actually from her blog This Happy Mom).
I was going to copy and paste here too, but it won’t let me….so please go and read. Thanks.
I wish I had the answer to all the why’s right now. I have so many of them. Too many to write here right now. But I don’t. I don’t think anyone really does. Maybe God does. Maybe not. I just don’t know.
There are so many things I am trying to figure out right now. My mind is like mush.
You know, like the cereal at the end of the bowl that has soaked up too much milk and you are not so sure you want to eat it? Well, that is what K does anyway. 🙂 I am good at making lists. I make them all the times. I probably take stock in sticky notes as well. I have gone through so many! I have a tendency to write things down to just get them out of my head. It’s like emptying my head out because if I don’t, I dwell on whatever is inside for ever! If I write it down, then it’s “out there”. Sometimes that is good and sometimes not so good. Depends on who finds that list and actually reads it. Ya know?
As you have maybe read in earlier posts, I have been so very angry and my bipolar stuff has been rearing it’s ugly head a lot lately. I have had so much physical pain that it’s been completely unbearable, which totally fed into my bipolar rants and crap. Today, I woke up in a foul mood as well. I think I am kind of ok at the moment. My main why at the current moment is : Why in the earth do kids wake up at the butt crack of dawn on the weekends but are like pulling teeth to get out of bed on the weekdays? I just don’t get it. I think maybe I should take away the kindle for a morning on the weekend and see if she will sleep in. If I do that, then she doesn’t have that “to look forward” to in getting up. That sounds really terrible of me. It’s not that I want to sleep to til noon or something, but I would just like to sleep until 7am or something. Is that bad?
Anyway, been trying to figure this stuff about anger. I got from the anger to depression…in a matter of moments. I know my mental health (or lack of) is out of whack again. I probably need my medication adjusted again. I can’t get in to see this new doc until Oct.23. I look at the calendar, it’s only 2 weeks away, but in my head it seems so long. It’s another two weeks of mood swings and figuring out how to cope with it. Not lashing out at K or myself.
I have been reading this book called “Soul Shaping” by Jeff Brown. It’s a really good book. It really makes me think. It’s about finding yourself. Yeah I know. Another book like that. He says something that really hit me, it goes like this: “It is important to grant yourself the permission to wander as part of your spiritual journey. So often mischaracterized as lostness, there is a kind of immerson in the not knowing that is actually quite necessary if we are going to find our way home. So much information can come up when we are looking in no particular direction. By surrendering to the unknown, we create the space for a deeper knowing to emerge. In the heart of the the no knowing, the paths that we are here to walk, reveal themselves.”
Maybe I am walking in that unknowing right now….in the whys? Maybe my spirituality is in the whys too? I know God is there but where? Not sure. I don’t feel Him right now.
as i have been sitting here tonight after k has been in bed…
thinking about this time of year….
what has happened at this time of year….
i have been filling out papers for this new shrink….for k’s new in-home skills worker, asking about my past…asking about past hospitalizations, doctors, therps, medications, suicide attempts, et etc etc
in 2010, i had my last hospitalization….it was when i had my last miscarriage. Dr. Z wanted to make sure i wasn’t going to fall over the edge. i was 14 weeks pregnant. my meltdown……i get it now.
i don’t want to lose k again. i am making myself crazy trying to NOT lose her that i feel like i will lose her. i am angry at myself because of everything that has gone wrong. everything that is wrong with me. everything i want to fix. and i can’t. i feel like i am failing at getting to where i want to be. i can’t lose her again. i won’t go through the pain of losing a child again.
I just want to stop crying everyday. I also want the anger to go away too. One moment I am all tears, the next angry as a bull seeing red. Why? the only thing I can think that is triggering this (other than my daughters outbursts recently) is the old fricken tapes in my head. They are back telling me how worthless and horrible a person I am. How much of a failure I am. blah blah blah.
It’s so hard when I have K freakin out because she wants something that she can’t have or do something that we can’t do because there is no money, etc. She is angry at me because I get angry at her. It’s like a never-ending circle. I don’t know where or when it ends. I get angry because she feels she is entitled to have all the things she asks for and then some. I am supposed to go and do and whatever when she wants it. But my wallet and bank account, my body and head just can’t do it.
I am in pain. Not just this damn emotional pain but the physical pain. I hate having this chronic pain disease or illness or whatever it is called. I hate lupus. I hate fibro. I am sick of physical pain everyday when I get up. I choose not to take the benzo’s because I hate how they make me feel. So I choose to live with the pain. My fault.
Emotionally I am drained. On this roller coaster of anger and crying. Throw in a huge handful of anxiety and I’m a hot mess. I went to this new psychiatrist today. Was a total waste of my time. Basically she said that I should go back to my old doc because she doesn’t have time to treat “someone like me”. Well, it’s that a lovely thing to say to a person who is on the verge of tears and anger??? So I walk out and call that damn clinic back and ask Susie to get me in with a psychiatrist with the soonist opening. The soonist opening….3 1/2 weeks away. But with a different doc than who I have been seeing. It’s a lady. I have never had a lady psychiatrist. I hope she knows what she is doing. I hope she doesn’t load me up on meds like the past doc.
Why am I so angry? I don’t get it. I mean I do, but I don’t. They are just all so much little things that are stupid to be mad at. Why get angry at the little things? Am I just being petty?
lack of money/no job
foot in boot still
can’t exercise yet
k talking back
laundry piling up
physically can’t do things I need to get done…cleaning up the balcony flowers and stuff
cleaning the apartment, etc
getting groceries up the stairs
k’s insistence on clashing clothes to go to school
k’s constant yelling at me telling me that i am stupid and horrible mom
k throwing things at me when she is mad
I probably should be doing a gratitude list instead. That would be the more Christian thing to do. But I am tired of being or playing that everything is fine when I am outside….it’s a game out there. I hate it. I hate being home too. I haven’t felt like hurting myself in years….and then yesterday and today…..BAM!! I haven’t done any cutting or massive pill swallowing. But my god, the thoughts are there. again.
Talk about volatile moods….holy shit. Rapid cycling or whatever. I hate being bipolar sometimes. I hate this. I hate my illness.
I haven’t felt like this in awhile, which is very hard for me. I actually had feelings of wanting out. Wanting to cut. Wanting to take more xanax than I need to tonight. But I can’t. I have to drive tomorrow. I have to take K to Iowa for that stupid birthday party.
Some of what fed into my cycle was what she did tonight as well. Another bout of her attitude and smart mouth and anger and pissy-ness. She peeled the wallpaper again off the f’n wall in her bedroom. We live in an apartment. I can’t afford for her to keep doing this. I don’t have the money to pay for the landlords to repaper her room. I can’t even afford for anything the rest of this month. I have $58 to my name for the rest of October…how the hell am I supposed to support my ass and hers and it’s only the 4th of October?
My fucked up foot. I can’t work yet. I can’t do anything. I just want to ditch the crutches and whatever and go find a stupid ass job and get some money. I hate this. I can’t live on this little check I get a month. Paying $700 a month for this little shit ass apartment. It sucks. I don’t even have money to pay for the rest of my medicine this month. I just want to give up.
I am the Chief Meteorologist at FOX 9 in Minneapolis; I love my life, love my wife, love my daughters and love my dog...kinda like the cat. I lost a third of my lower lip to squamous cell cancer in 2016...it is now early 2017 and this blog will hopefully serve as my therapuetic writing journey through topical chemotherapy treatment