Emotions, a death, and loneliness

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So many crisis type things happen and I get so overwhelmed and then sleep to start it all over again the next day.  I am hoping they all calm down soon.  I can’t keep going at this pace.
Although, crisis today was my mom calling me at little after 6am to tell me that my uncle had passed this early morning.  My uncle Russ and aunt Alouise are my godparents.  Also my mom and Alouise are sisters and as close as close could be.  As kids our families did a lot together and spent time camping and baking and all sorts of other stuff together.
When mom called and said this to me, I was in the instant numb mode or disbelief.  I knew he was sick and he didn’t want any treatments for anything and no doctors.  He lost his will to live.  This made me incredibly sad.  I have been at that point in my life of feeling like losing my will to live, not by sickness but by depression and anxiety and fear.  But I have chosen to live.
Katey and I live.  We chose to be and do living.  We are about going places and learning new things.
Then bump in the road again.  Katey is struggling so much.  She was diagnosed with ADHD and generalized anxiety disorder 3 years ago.  Her behavior was getting out of control and her mouth too.  I had to make that hard decision about medication or what?  So, I talked to some friends and decided to see what medication could do for her.  The doctor I chose for her to see turned out to be an amazing man.  He tried her on an ADHD medicine and after a few weeks, it was just not right for her.  He talked with me and her teachers.  We tried another and that was BINGO.  Katey had done 360.  She was the loving and kind and calm kid that I knew years ago.  Meltdowns to very few.  Maybe one or two every couple months.  It was awesome.
Then this doctor left to take a position elsewhere.  Sadness.  The transition between 4th and 5th grade has been the worst for her and for me.  I have tried everything I can think of to help her in this.  The EBD teacher, school counselor, her mental health social worker, in home worker ….all of us…trying to come up with something to help her feel more successful.  But it didn’t work.  Her behavior escalated.
Finally, talking with her mental health social worker, I had made the huge decision to look into the YTP-Life Span School and therapy.  That is where she goes to school now.  It’s in Burnsville.  They pick her up and bring her home.  She has therapy part of the day and academics part of the day.  It’s only been a couple weeks but she is learning more about boundaries and what is appropriate.  She is learning about self control and expressing herself with out destructing.  I feel like I have failed her because I haven’t been able to teach her these things myself.
Being a single mom is so very hard at times.  It’s just been her and me since the get go.  I feel so lost.  I feel like I don’t know what to do.
I have met an awesome man a few months ago.  Luckily they get along great.  He backs me up and helps me when I need it.  She is listening more to him as well.  He is so calm and just living moment by moment.  He loves the Lord and makes that known to her and me.  He is a recovering alcoholic.  Maybe that is where he has found that serenity.  He helps me to stay focused on what matters most when I start to get so overwhelmed I don’t know what to do. I feel blessed to have this relationship in my life.
All this said…..I still feel lost.  I still feel alone.  I still feel like my faith has been rocked.  I want to be the best mom for Katey.  I want to be there for Robert too.  I need to figure out how to be here for me too.  But I am alone.
This is where it is right now.
I would still like to meet you and talk more.  Maybe you have some more ideas?
It’s Thanksgiving and Christmas and I don’t know how I am going to figure out how to make money stretch to the end of each month.  I worry that I am going to let both Katey and Robert down.  (Robert is currently in a sober house in St. Paul).  It’s just my income.  And time.  Again…I am lost.
beautifully broken

365 Writing Prompts

The writing challenge is called 365 Writing Prompts.  It’s in the form of an Ebook….so I downloaded it and will be starting that today.

How about right now?

January 3
Kick it
What’s the 11th item on your bucket list?

To tell the truth….I don’t have a bucket list.  I haven’t really thought of making a bucket list.  With this prompt…maybe I should make a bucket list.  What exactly is a bucket list? A way to give your life some great goals.  Hmmmm.  Maybe I will come back later with my bucket list.  Then when I get them done, I will  post about them as I cross them off my list.  I will do a little research and get back to you on this one.

First Post of 2014

 

A new year, a new idea.  I am going to try Word Press’s Zero to Hero: 30 Days to a Better Blog.  It’s a time for challenging my writing and creativity.  Since I am not working yet.   Looking for jobs, sending out resumes etc.  I will still have some extra time to write.  So I am up for a challenge….I hope.  Why not try, right?  Well, it will be a challenge I am willing to tackle.

30 Days of Thankfulness

ventimochamoments.com

ventimochamoments.com

Last year I did 30 days of Thankfulness so this year I am going to do it again.  I need to get back in the swing of being grateful for everything God has given to me.  I have been stuck in the angry mode for the past few months and need to start back on the positive train.  So every night, I will write about what thankfulness.  If I miss one, be prepared for 2 in one or something like that.  LOL

thankful2

 

The start of another Challenge Day 1

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

 

This is me.  Julie.  taken approximately one month ago.

15 interesting facts

1. I am a single mom of an 8 year old daughter

2. I have returned to college to get my BA in Psychology and certification in Chemical Dependency Counseling

3.  I grew up on farm in north Iowa.

4.  I attended and graduated from Waldorf College in Forest City IA

5.  I was a camp counselor/supervisor for 8 summer – Riverside Lutheran Bible Camp, EWALU, and Sugar Creek

6.  I used to be involved in Clown Ministry

7.  I love all kinds of recreation and games

8.  I had the VGS surgery 8/11/11 – have lost total of 98 pounds so far.

9.  I love tulips.

10.  I can juggle

11.  My favorite drink is Blue Raspberry Kool-Aid

12.  I volunteer at LifeChurch.tv and my church here

13.  I lived in 5 different states

14.  I love contemporary Christian music….Best Band is Mercy Me.

15.  I have a unique talent(?) of tripping over nothing.

Christmas Challenge – Day 18

Day 18: Which lights are better: white or colored and blinking or still?   I love all lights.  I like them blinking and I like them still….I don’t have any up this year….because I am moving next week.  I miss having lights and the tree up.  I am so not in the Christmas spirit this year.  It makes me sad.  but better days are coming, right?

Monday, Monday

Good Morning.  I don’t usually blog in the morning, but today I am just going to try something different.

After spending a fair amount of time feeling sorry for myself, for reasons that are just about what I think I need, I am starting this day with a newer vision.  I realize that people are fallible.  I sure am.  I make mistakes.  Sometimes unknowingly and sometimes not.  I can apologize when the reality smacks me square in the face.  But moving forward instead being held back by my unwanting to come to terms of what is.

People change.  Situations change.  Sometimes my “old” brain struggles to keep up.  But, it’s a new week.  I have a whole 7 more days of living differently this week.  Tonight I am meeting up with an old friend.  I am sure we will have lots of laughs, maybe tears, who knows.  What I do know is that being with old friends remind me of how far I have come.  I will relish in the changes I have made along with the changes of my friend.  Life isn’t meant to be alone.

This week’s message at http://live.lifechurch.tv is about “Two-Gather”.  The message is all about having the right people around us. This is an important biblical principle for all of us, but it’s especially important for new believers. New believers need to be surrounded by Christians who can encourage and support them in the life-changes they’re making to follow Christ. Life is best done in community.  ‎”For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them. Matthew 18:20 NLT

Today, I am doing life together.  With fellow students in class, with old friends and new.  We weren’t meant to be alone.

I challenge you today to share with someone your life.  Be it a friend, neighbor, co-worker.  Smile, talk, have a coffee together.  That is what life is all about.  I am with YOU heart and soul!!

“The continual awareness of what was going on made me feel ashamed I wasn’t saying anything. I burst out because I could no longer play that game any more, it was just too much for me.”
John Lennon

(oh btw…weight loss this morning…another 3 pounds!!  woohoo!!)

 

AJ, me, Danny, Karen

friends together…