Rainy days and Thursdays

Man…..it’s been raining most of the day.  My joints ache so bad this evening.  I did take some pain meds, I hate doing that.  But Dr. Kristin would be proud of me since I don’t even take them as prescribed.  LOL

I have been doing a lot of thinking today.  About being a mom.  What it takes to be a mom.  What is the difference between a good mom and a bad mom.  It’s all relative, right?   I have been reading (on and off) writings from this woman, Rachel Macy Stafford.  Her website Hands Free Mama, is full of her life as a mom, the good and the bad….tears and celebrations.  Some have me in such tears that I can’t even read….I have to stop for a bit just to pull it together again.

Today I happened to be reading, Making your Loudest Voice Calmer & Your Truest Voice Stronger.  Before I had even thought about reading today, I had been thinking about last night’s meltdown.  I had yelled at K.  I don’t usually yell at her.  But I did, it even caught me off guard.  It dawned on me today that I had scared her.  That hurt my heart terribly and the tears rolled.  Back to the blog by Rachel.  When I read these words:

At my loudest, I was heard the least.

At my loudest, I felt the most pain.

At my loudest, I caused the most hurt.

At my loudest, my voice was most voiceless.

I felt like she had gone into my heart and mind and grabbed the words right out of me.  My voice has not been there for quite some time.  Before I asked Robert to leave, he told me I talk too much, I feel too much, I share too much.  So, began my time of sinking into myself and watcing and limiting what I say and to whom I spoke to. I began to get angry at him.  At myself for having feelings or emotions at all.  So when I yelled last night at K, I was stunned at myself.  K was scared of me.  She curled herself into the corner of her bed and just looked at me crying and shaking.

I don’t want to cry anymore.  I cry too much.  Lately I cry all the time.  K sees me cry.  She tells me to stop crying.  The other day, she said I don’t even try anymore.  I went to my bedroom and yup, I cried.  I lay in bed and cry until I finally fall asleep.   I called my psych doc today, talked to his nurse and told her I think I need to get off some of my meds.  All they do is make me tired.  All I want to do is sleep.  And as Robert says….I talk too much.  I went on and on.  My anxiety is so high right now.  Between K’s behavior and language and school stuff, the rummage sale next week (that I am not ready for), getting ready to move by June 1, and still not knowing where I am going to live…..I can’t breathe.  I feel like I am drowning.  I know I am trying my best but I just can’t breathe.  There is a huge pile of stuff in my living room where some stuff is marked and boxed and ready to go to my garage.  My bedroom is a disaster….I have yet to go through some stuff.  K’s room is like a tornado went through it.  Everywhere I look…..I can’t breathe…..I need out.  I want to get out and just drive away….get as far away as I can.

war in my mind

 

 

 

 

That is what it feels like these days.  War, battle, conflict, struggle…..fear.  I don’t know what is next.  I know tomorrow, somedays.  But anxiety, fear.

Another meltdown tonight

parkerpq1K had another meltdown tonight. Enough that it brought the manager down again. Her meltdowns are warranting disturbances to neighbors which are now being told to the manager……now I understand why the manager brought me the letter with big letters that say we need to be out by June 1. K is just causing too much noise to the neighbors. They think she is hurting me. The last one when the police came, she had hurt me.

Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about how I am dealing or not dealing with her behavior. I have asked her what she really needs from me. What can mom do to make this easier for you? She tells me, “I don’t know”. So I keep embracing K which does not mean that I am ignoring her misbehavior. I am trying to tailor how I respond to her behavior in a way that makes more sense to her. But this is also my hang up too. I run out of effective ways to respond. Her reactions are like fireworks and the explovsives are everywhere. But I am trying.

I went to my therapy today and as I was talking, my therapist said something to me that was like a dagger in my heart. He said to me,”you give up your dream of who K should have been and accept her for who she is”. super mom He told me that I will be able to match my response to K’s behavior and then become an effective parent.

Acceptance. I understand but I had never realized that I had always wanted to much more for her. For her to be different, like my friend’s daughters. Stab my heart. I cried and cried and cried. How do I even accept myself? Not just with this, but just finding out that I have been diagnosed with a genetic disorder that doesn’t have a cure. I go in for an echocardiogram tomorrow morning (the 7th). I am scared. I am a single mom. I don’t have anyone to be with me. I have been trying to to increase my support system. But I work on K’s first, make sure she has everything she needs first. Then first in my own stuff. I am working on controlling my emotions right now because K sees me cry, and she worries too much. She tells me that I’m not trying hard enough.  Trying what not hard enough?
I don’t know what to do now?  Control my emotions.  That is what I do.  Breathe.  Keep my mouth shut and listen.  Meditation.  Breathe.  Don’t talk.  Listen. Clench my teeth, but do not say a word, just listen.  But always tell K that I love her, no matter what, no matter where.  Always and forever.  From the moon and around the sun….in the stars and back again.  Patience.  Smile.  Breathe.  Listen.  Smile.  Love her.  Just love on her.more patience

Emotions, a death, and loneliness

3750-im-not-always-strong-but-i-keep-trying

So many crisis type things happen and I get so overwhelmed and then sleep to start it all over again the next day.  I am hoping they all calm down soon.  I can’t keep going at this pace.
Although, crisis today was my mom calling me at little after 6am to tell me that my uncle had passed this early morning.  My uncle Russ and aunt Alouise are my godparents.  Also my mom and Alouise are sisters and as close as close could be.  As kids our families did a lot together and spent time camping and baking and all sorts of other stuff together.
When mom called and said this to me, I was in the instant numb mode or disbelief.  I knew he was sick and he didn’t want any treatments for anything and no doctors.  He lost his will to live.  This made me incredibly sad.  I have been at that point in my life of feeling like losing my will to live, not by sickness but by depression and anxiety and fear.  But I have chosen to live.
Katey and I live.  We chose to be and do living.  We are about going places and learning new things.
Then bump in the road again.  Katey is struggling so much.  She was diagnosed with ADHD and generalized anxiety disorder 3 years ago.  Her behavior was getting out of control and her mouth too.  I had to make that hard decision about medication or what?  So, I talked to some friends and decided to see what medication could do for her.  The doctor I chose for her to see turned out to be an amazing man.  He tried her on an ADHD medicine and after a few weeks, it was just not right for her.  He talked with me and her teachers.  We tried another and that was BINGO.  Katey had done 360.  She was the loving and kind and calm kid that I knew years ago.  Meltdowns to very few.  Maybe one or two every couple months.  It was awesome.
Then this doctor left to take a position elsewhere.  Sadness.  The transition between 4th and 5th grade has been the worst for her and for me.  I have tried everything I can think of to help her in this.  The EBD teacher, school counselor, her mental health social worker, in home worker ….all of us…trying to come up with something to help her feel more successful.  But it didn’t work.  Her behavior escalated.
Finally, talking with her mental health social worker, I had made the huge decision to look into the YTP-Life Span School and therapy.  That is where she goes to school now.  It’s in Burnsville.  They pick her up and bring her home.  She has therapy part of the day and academics part of the day.  It’s only been a couple weeks but she is learning more about boundaries and what is appropriate.  She is learning about self control and expressing herself with out destructing.  I feel like I have failed her because I haven’t been able to teach her these things myself.
Being a single mom is so very hard at times.  It’s just been her and me since the get go.  I feel so lost.  I feel like I don’t know what to do.
I have met an awesome man a few months ago.  Luckily they get along great.  He backs me up and helps me when I need it.  She is listening more to him as well.  He is so calm and just living moment by moment.  He loves the Lord and makes that known to her and me.  He is a recovering alcoholic.  Maybe that is where he has found that serenity.  He helps me to stay focused on what matters most when I start to get so overwhelmed I don’t know what to do. I feel blessed to have this relationship in my life.
All this said…..I still feel lost.  I still feel alone.  I still feel like my faith has been rocked.  I want to be the best mom for Katey.  I want to be there for Robert too.  I need to figure out how to be here for me too.  But I am alone.
This is where it is right now.
I would still like to meet you and talk more.  Maybe you have some more ideas?
It’s Thanksgiving and Christmas and I don’t know how I am going to figure out how to make money stretch to the end of each month.  I worry that I am going to let both Katey and Robert down.  (Robert is currently in a sober house in St. Paul).  It’s just my income.  And time.  Again…I am lost.
beautifully broken

awesome quote

I truly want to starting living this.  I have some that I am doing…but I want/need to get this.

“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.” _ José Micard Teixeira

just surviving life

Right now, I don’t really feel like I’m actually living my life. I’m mostly surviving it.

I love my K, don’t get me wrong, but there are days or times rather that I just need a break from all the drama that comes along with her.  Seems the little things are HUGE in her life.  It’s hard to figure out what to say or do lately.  I just don’t know how to be or react.

Her acting out behavior has just gotten worse lately.   Today was a total meltdown day.  Her school behavior chart was almost all sad faces.  I just wanted to cry.  How can it go from mostly smilies yesterday to mostly sads today?  I just don’t get it.  I know we all have moody days, but with K….everyday is like this.  Maybe I don’t understand ADD enough yet.  Maybe I need  to read more or just hook with some other parents or something.  She also is  having some attachment problems.  Which I am going to start dealing with with her.  Found a really nice and knowledgeable therapist in the same building as Adam.  Her name is Peggy.  I will meet with her on the day we don’t have school.  She works specifically with attachment issues.  I need some hands on ways of dealing with K’s behaviors.  Cuz whatever I am doing is NOT working the best.

I feel inadequate. I feel defeated. Pills, therapy, exercise, just can’t and don’t fix me.  I hurt K by not being strong for her and not giving her everything she needs. I hurt myself daily with negative thinking and self loathing. I want to throw up my hand and give up. My family deserves better.

“Enough is enough,” I tell myself.

Stop the self-loathing. Stop the pity-party. My family doesn’t expect perfection. My family doesn’t need perfection. They just want me.

Enough with the idealization of what I need to be. Enough with the fears of failure. Enough with the should’ve, would’ve and could’ve.

My depression and inadequacies don’t define me. I define me.

I am a mother of an amazing daughter that is so much more than her diagnoses.
I am a literacy tutor.
I am a blogger of sorts.
I am an advocate for my daughter.
I am a friend.
I am a reader.
I am a crafter.
I am a daughter.
I am a sister.
I am an aunt.
I am a fighter.
I am me.
When I start to question my “enough,” I remind myself I am so much more than I realized. I don’t need to strive to be more, because who I am seems pretty amazing

Letting go

 

In therapy yesterday we talked about letting go.  Especially letting go of the need of the approval of my mom.  For some reason, I still play into that need with her.  It’s like I don’t want to let her down.  I feel like I have spent over half my life letting her and my dad down by being “sick”.  Now I feel like I need to prove to her that I am well and doing well.

We also talked about taking sides.  Since my dad passed away, there has been a huge riff in my family.  My sister dislikes my brother very much and vice versa.  My sister is angry with my mom and vice versa.  I’m just kind of on the outside looking in yet  Adam said that I am taking sides.  My mom and brother get along fairly well.  I know I need to step out and step back because this is not my issue or problem…it’s theirs.  I know where I want to be and it’s not in the middle of the drama and mess between them all.  I want to be supportive of both but the scale is unevenly balances.  My brother talks to me.  My sister doesn’t.  She hasn’t spoken to me in months.  Usually it’s just once a year, at Christmas because she “has” to.  But anyway, that is another story.

So, I have been reading on how to let go of needing approval. Here is the website I got this from : http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-the-need-for-approval-to-start-thriving/

HOW TO LET GO OF THE NEED FOR APPROVAL

1. Build a sound sense of self-acceptance.

The first step is to strengthen your core foundation so that you feel strong enough to go with what feels right for you. This way, you will no longer feel the need to look to others to feel good enough about your choices and decisions.

Keep a self-appreciation journal, where you start acknowledging daily or a few times a week the things you’re most proud of about yourself: choices you’ve made, insights you’ve learned, things you like about yourself, times you’ve stayed true to yourself, or whatever feels right for you.

2. Let go of seeking validation from others.

Secondly, you need to practice letting go of seeking validation for your choices and most importantly, for whom you choose to be.

This means noticing your language, self-talk, and behavior, and identifying when it is coming from wanting someone else to say you’re ok, that you made the right choice, or that you did the right thing.

Instead, when you do make a decision, check in with yourself that it feels right, remind yourself that it is your choice, and give yourself validation for just being you.

3. Evaluate tasks based on approval-seeking efforts.

Lastly, start being honest with yourself when you take on a new task or commitment, whether you are doing it because it is “right” for you or because you want to get approval and avoid disapproval.

Sit down and evaluate your weekly tasks and ask yourself what is really necessary and important, and what is driven by people pleasing. Then slowly work through the “people pleasing” list and eliminate them.

How has the need for approval impacted your life?

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I think I will copy these three things into a Word document and hang it up so I can read it often.  I need to trust myself more.  Maybe that is where it starts for me.  Trust.  (that will be a topic for another time too.)

 

 

Not enough?

 

I feel like I am not doing enough…

It is sooo easy to get caught up when things feel like they are dragging and then next thing you know you are not doing very well.

Foodwise I am not doing very well,  I need to do better. I need to cook up other stuff, make things more interesting. I have been so tired that I haven’t really wanted to do much cooking.  It’s been so hot…don’t want to turn the oven on.  Having K back has been an adjustment.  I need to have some kid friendly foods too.  I can’t blame her for my eating habits lately tho.

Speaking of tired, I am pretty sure it had to do with my low levels of Vit D. I haven’t had complete blood work done for about 3 or 4 months now. I get vit B12 shots every month.  Maybe I need a B1???

Physically- I am slacking… I need to start moving my butt…big time. I know I could be doing so much more better if I got in regular exercise. Part of it honestly was the low vit D, because all I wanted to do was sleep.  Having K here is great, she keeps me up and busy…but I am not getting to the YMCA like I want.  The hours are so different here than in Woodbury.  Plus, there is a daycare issue.  I took her with me one morning when I went to do water aerobics….she could say in the shallow end.  Boy was that difficult.  She didn’t want to leave when it was all done.  We had been there about an hour and half.  Stubborn little cuss.

But part of it has just been me being lazy… so I am thinking, at least some yoga, as well as toning, and some more water aerobics.  I really need to get this moving.  I have been stalled out now for about 2 1/2 to 3 months.  My weight hasn’t really fluctuated at all.  But I feel FAT.

Truthfully sometimes I really doubt myself, and I know I need to cut that out. I can get to goal, I can reach a much lower weight (one I have never even seen in my adult life). But sometimes it still feels like a really far off dream. You know how you look around sometimes and see others that have done it, and it’s like, could that really be me? I so badly want this. Some days its easier to visualize it than others though. Today is rougher…but I think days like this are what make or break you, they matter most because you have to just push through them and keep going. Other days…like the week I lost a ton of weight  are a cake walk (minus the cake lol). The hard days are what get you to the good days again.

I suppose that is true for life in general and not just the journey of losing weight.