Life and Everyday

Why am I so angry?


What a big question!  There are so many little things….I don’t think there is just one big thing….

I have always told myself and others probably, that I am not usually an angry person.  But lately I would have to say that isn’t necessarily true.  Although, MEA break and K being at g’ma’s did help some to get things back into perspective.  (add a short stint hospital stay on the mental health unit too)

So I sat down this past weekend and made a list.  Everything on the list wasn’t huge.  They were little things.  Some seemed really insignificant but they ticked me off to a point.  

  • not finding enough quarters to do a load of laundry
  • the fridge needs to be cleaned out….again
  • the dishwasher needs to be unloaded and reloaded
  • my closet needs to be cleaned out
  • k’s clothes need to be gone through…again
  • I want a vacation and there is no money for one
  • i have more month than money…again
  • the apartment is dusty…those dustbunnies keep moving
  • the balcony needs cleaning off….those metal bunkbed parts need to be in the recycling bin
  • I feel fat
  • my foot is still in the boot and I can’t do all the things I want to do
  • my apt manager wanted the extra storage closet, so now I have all these empty boxes that i had in there, in my kitchen and no place to put them….

So, what do I do with that?  My list is longer….it actually took up the front and part of the back of a piece of notebook paper…..

What can I learn from this?  I have been reading a book called Soul Shaping by Jeff Brown.  I think I have mentioned this before.  Here is another quote from him, ”  We are much too hard on ourselves. Really we are. We beat ourselves up, we ‘should’ on ourselves, we compare ourselves to others, we postpone self-love until we reach a stage of perfection that is impossibly unrealistic. We are so hard on ourselves, but how are we to know better? It’s not like there is a book that lays it all down. Its not like we downloaded perfection. We are still writing that book, writing it with the blood of lessons learned, writing it with ink that is forged in the fires of transformation. We are learning as we g(r)o(w). So lets give ourselves a break. Often. Kindly. Gently. Really. It’s a huge thing to grow beyond the parameters of our familiar ways of being. Berating ourselves won’t get us anywhere. A little self-love will go a long way…”

Self love?  Me??? Love myself?  Oh there are way too many things to count to NOT love….. but let me bring another train of thought about self love…..

The Bible talks about the law of harvest.  It’s the season of harvest now right?  My brother and brother-in-law are both in the fields.  (both are farmers).  What you reap is what you sow, right?  My brother plants soybeans and corn.  So then he reaps both soybeans and corn (well this year…was  not a good year for corn…so he made silage).  But you get the picture.  So if you plant, say poison oak, you will get poison oak…but who goes around planting poison oak???  NOT ME!!  But I have happened upon it!

Poison oak is kinda like anger.  Sometimes you just happen upon it.  Like poison oak, if you touch it, it festers.  It itches, and you want to scratch it.  Anger sometimes does that too.  I know it festers.  It does that in me.  I don’t acknowledge it right away and something little will set me off like a ticking time bomb.  It’s like picking a scab.  Then it oozes all over.  I know, YUCK!!!

Anyways, in the book of James, chapter 3 verse 10 says ” Praise and cursing come out of the same mouth.  My brothers and sisters, it should be that way.”  And in the same chapter verses 17-18, “But he wisdom and that comes from heaven is pure.  That’s the most important thing about it.  And that’s not all.  It also loves peace.  It thinks about others.  It obeys.  It is full of mercy and good fruit.  It is fair.   It doesn’t pretend to be what it is not.  Those who make peace should plant peace like a seed.  If they do, it will produce a crop of right living.”

WHOA!!!  Plant some peace….I will get peace???  hmmmm

©Stock Photo © Vasily Merkushev
©Stock Photo © Vasily Merkushev

So maybe if I stop hollering at K, she will stop hollering at me?  Maybe if I approach her with loving-kindness and peacefulness, she won’t get so rebellious with me?  hmmmm  Maybe if I give myself a break with my foot being in a boot and acknowledging that well, I just can’t do all the strenuous things right now, that it’s ok?

I’m the one who let K start the habit of getting by with not doing her chore.  I’m the one who didn’t follow through with consequences.  I let it slide.  I am the one who chose to play on facebook instead of cleaning out the fridge or doing the dishes right away.  ugh!!

All these little things add up.  I have to say, if I tackle my list, little by little, I think maybe I can tackle my anger bit by bit.  Ya know?

I probably will get discouraged as I find myself doing so very often.  But I have to keep reminding myself that God is in this with me.  Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all of you who are tired and are carrying heavy loads.  I will give you rest.”  God loves me no matter what.   No matter where or what I am doing.  I make mistakes just like everyone else.  I know Jesus got angry.  God was there with him too.

So back to the poison oak….I might want to pull it out…but I have to put on my gloves so I don’t get it all over and get itchy.  God’s love is my glove!  I will “attack” K with love.  I will attack my anger and frustration toward myself with a little more loving kindness as well.  I hope you can do the same.  Take some time to love yourself a bit in the process……

Life and Everyday

I think I understand now


as i have been sitting here tonight after k has been in bed…
thinking about this time of year….
what has happened at this time of year….
i have been filling out papers for this new shrink….for k’s new in-home skills worker, asking about my past…asking about past hospitalizations, doctors, therps, medications, suicide attempts, et etc etc
in 2010, i had my last hospitalization….it was when i had my last miscarriage. Dr. Z wanted to make sure i wasn’t going to fall over the edge.   i was 14 weeks pregnant.   my meltdown……i get it now.
i don’t want to lose k again.  i am making myself crazy trying to NOT lose her that i feel like i will lose her.  i am angry at myself because of everything that has gone wrong.  everything that is wrong with me.  everything i want to fix.  and i can’t. i feel like i am failing at getting to where i want to be.  i can’t lose her again.  i won’t go through the pain of losing a child again.
does that make sense?
Life and Everyday

don't give up on em


pretty much how it is right now…

so alone.  single parenting sucks.

i fell tonight.  scared the crap out of my daughter…scared myself.  i think i hurt something in my hip and or low back/spine.  can’t go in because again…single mom.  and the weather is getting back.   will live with the pain until i have time to finally deal with it.

finally am getting time to get my broken tooth taken care of too.  a lovely valentines present for me….8:30 am…gotta love that for a valentines present.  they gotta figure out what to do with my tooth and my partial.

I feel so out of sorts.  My brain is like scrambled eggs.  I can’t think very good.  I can’t remember very much. or very good.  I don’t know what the heck is wrong with me.  I just don’t know.

Life and Everyday

My One Word

I have been hearing or rather reading a lot of blogs and from friends about this “what is one word for the year” thing.  Never thought about that before.  Nor have I ever done it.  I think this is mostly because I haven’t taken the time to just sit down and think about how I want to be this year (or last year or the year before…you get it).  I just lived.  Or on some days, not much live.  I existed.  But NOW, I live.  Because I want to, not because I feel like I have to.  If that makes sense to you.  Anyone dealing with any kind of chronic pain, mental illness, or any other illness for that matter, has probably felt this at one time or another.  And so…….

My one word for this year is persistence.

I’m notoriously non-committal when it comes to “inspirational” stuff like this. I hear about a concept that I like and jump on board, but then my interest wanes or, more commonly, I end up unsure if I’m really on the right track. Either way, I can usually be counted on to give it a few weeks and then move on to something else.

Not with this whole one-word-for-the-year thing.

I’m not big on setting resolutions , see my previous post. I think it’s because resolutions tend to be things that I feel I should do (or shouldn’t do, in some cases).  The coulda, woulda, shoulda thing is really not a useful way to get motivated. But, I’ve figured out that I’m all over putting something out there and being open to seeing what comes of it.

I want to get through (have persistence) – getting this stuff with K figured out and how to help her with what is REALLY going on with her, the opportunities that come up with Minnesota Reading Corps (recruitment and leadership), my writing here. I want to get to know our new(ish) community better – it’s lovely and pretty and so close to so many things I want to dip my figurative toe into. I want to find my running spirit in this new, snow-filled (or extremely humid filled summer) environment. I want to be more active — nearby and possibly farther away — and I want to spend more time outside on all the trails that surround this town and down by the river.  I want the confidence in knowing that I can make it through whatever life is going to throw at me this year.

I want to continue to keep in touch with dear friends from years ago and now:  friends I have met through camp, school, college,  and find new ways to connect with them on a regular basis, because they lift me up. They were sent into my life for a reason and I’m not going to let geography push them out of it.  Also want to be persistent in becoming more aware of the people in my community and my church.  I need to get to know the people around me.

I also want to figure out my relationship with K. I written about some struggles with her  but I’m still struggling and the voice in my head is whispering that if I don’t do something about it I could become irreparably disconnected from my little (not so little 9 year old) girl.

So there you have it, my word for 2013 – persistence.  Enjoy your journey as well in 2013. ♥Julie

Life and Everyday

Sensless Tragedy

Obviously by now you are aware of the tragedy that took place yesterday.


Precious, beautiful, innocent children….taken froms this world all too suddenly.
All from an evil act of a single human.
Unspeakably senseless.
I think of the fear that had to be in those children’s eyes as they heard the gun shots fire, the thoughts of how much and immediately they wanted their parents by their side to protect them in that intense moment of fear, and now–the parents who are coping with the loss of their little one today and foever.  The the survivors of not only the children but the adults that were murdered too.  The brave teachers that tried to keep them all safe….pulled them into rooms and locked doors, etc.  They are heros as well.
It makes me so sick to my stomach.  I cried for an hour or so.  What was I going to tell K?  What about all the other kids I work with at school?  This could have been MY elementary school.  Makes my stomach turn.  I definitely wil be hugging my daughter tighter and loving on her more.  I will love on my kids at school.  I will tell them how much I love them, how proud I am to be working with them and that they are doing an excellent job learning.
UPDATES-27-dead-in-shooting-at-Sandy-Hook-Elementary-School-in-Newtown-ConnThere is nothing that we can do to make what just happened seem “okay”.
But we can show our support and love in ways that we know possible.
A few bloggers put together the following and I wanted to pass it along.
A day of silence to remember the lives that were taken.
Please read below and strongly consider joining in//donating//praying//etc.

To the Blog World and Anyone Else who Wants to Help,

Yesterday, tragedy struck so many of us in ways we did not foresee. An elementary school and small town in Connecticut was shattered by a mass shooting. We knew we wanted to help and we came up with this:

On Tuesday, December 18th, there will be a blogger day of silence.
We will post the button and that’s it. Please try to not post anything else that day if possible.

We are also raising money that will go to an organization in the memory of this tragedy. The organization is called The Newtown Family Youth and Family Services. Here is the official description of the support service we are donating to:

“Newtown Youth and Family Services, Inc. is a licensed, non-profit, mental health clinic and youth services bureau dedicated to helping children and families achieve their highest potential. NYFS provides programs, services, activities, counseling, support groups and education throughout the Greater Newtown area.


Please visit THIS PAGE to make your donation.

We can’t imagine how they must be feeling, especially this close to the holidays. We would love for you to spread the word on your own blog, Facebook, Twitter, etc. Let’s make a difference and use blogging in a positive way. Thank you in advance for participating.

The Blog World

p.s. If you would like to, copy-paste and repost any part of this, please do. Share on


Life and Everyday

Discipline vs. Punishment

As I was reading some blogs this afternoon, I came across one that really got me.  It’s from a blogger whose name is Chris Sprad, Epic Parent.   He has some awesome things to say about parenting.

Today was especially intriguing to me as it was about discipline.   “Are you confused about spanking?”   Before I read this blog, I thought, my parents spanked me and I survived it.  Lots of things are different now from seat belts in cars to spanking.  Growing up we didn’t need to wear seat belts.  We got out mouths washed out with soap for swearing or yelling at our parents.  I remember getting the belt or plexi-glass stick or even a back hand now and then.  It wasn’t unusual for my parents and many others to use this kind of discipline back in the 70’s and 80’s.

Now, can’t even think about it or I will be in trouble.  LOL  You can’t really lay a finger on your kid without someone else getting up-riled about it.  So how do you make discipline work?  That is what I have been asking friends, teaches, psychologists, etc.  Well, this is what Chris has to say:

Spanking is THE most controversial subject in parenting!

I have friends that deeply believe in spanking their kids and they have amazing, obedient, and loving kids.  I have friends that will never spank their kids and they have amazing, obedient and loving kids. I respect both families and understand the “why” behind both approaches.

I have read books from Doctor’s, Psychologist’s, Pastor’s and Theologians (this is people that know a lot of stuff about the Bible) and many of them disagree on the subject of spanking.

I look at God’s Word and both sides of the aisle believe that the Bible gives validation to their view point.

“Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children.
Those who love their children care enough to discipline them.”   ~Proverbs 13:24

Many parents believe that this “rod of discipline” speaks of spanking and others believe that if you dig deeper into the verse that the “rod of discipline” speaks of a shepherd’s rod and is used to gently guide and love the sheep.

I don’t pretend to be a great source of wisdom on this subject, nor do I pretend to know what is best for you and your family, but here are a few things that I hope you will take into consideration when disciplining  your children…

10 Discipline Tips…

  • GIVE GRACE: I think of all the times my heavenly father should of, would of and could have punished me.  However, He simply took me in his arms, did not give me what I deserved and loved me and my heart to a place of broken obedience to Him.  For some of you my advice is to stop spanking and give your kids love, care and irrational forgiveness.
  • SERVE YOUR KIDS: I blew my oldest son away just a few months ago.  We were at an impasse; my attempts at punishment were not working so I simply decided to serve him.  I helped him clean his room, do his chores, helped with his homework and I saw his heart melt.  He didn’t understand why dad was serving him but his entire attitude changed.
  • PAY FREAKIN ATTENTION: Don’t spank because you were spanked, and don’t wash your kid’s mouth out with soap because your parents did this to you.  I encourage all parents to listen to your kid’s heart, pay attention to how God has wired them, their rhythms, likes and dislikes and use this as a tool to guide your discipline.
  • LISTEN TO THEM: I can see times when I have been eager to discipline and slow to listen.  Parents, your kids are real people with their own lives, hearts, emotions and feelings.  I pray that you would seek to listen to your kids, understand what they have to say and why they acted the way they did instead of being trigger happy mom and dad.
  • USE THE “S” WORD: Jodie and I will “spank” our kids when we feel that it is appropriate.  The size of the kids’ offense doesn’t determine which form of discipline we use, but rather the heart of the child and what speaks to each of our individual children.  But the reality is that there are parents out there and your kid simply needs a spanking.  Do NOT give a spanking without reading PROMISES TO MAKE WHEN DISCIPLINING YOUR KIDS.



  • PROMISE TO DELAY DISCIPLINE: Do not discipline right away.  Parents, create a habit of delaying discipline so that you do not vomit toxic words and brutalities on your kids.
  • PROMISE TO HAVE “THE TALK”: I encourage everyone to sit down with your kids and have “the talk” 1)  listen to their heart  2)  give them a chance to  explain  3)  speak truth and correct wrong thinking  4)  share “how” you will discipline them  5)  love and pray with them
  • PROMISE TO DISCIPLINE NOT PUNISH: My good friend told me recently that “discipline looks to the future and punishment looks back”.  Don’t punish your kids, but look forward and lay a strong foundation for the future.
  • PROMISE TO LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY: God’s love for us is not dependent upon our behavior.  We are all jackwagons and will make mistakes, but he still loves us, is present and doesn’t turn his back on us or give us the silent treatment as punishment.  Parents, our kids are going to blow it big time!  However,  we must not withhold our love, heart and acceptance from our kids when they make mistakes.   We are called to love them unconditionally just as God has loved us.

Do you have anything to add to the discipline conversation?