Another meltdown tonight

parkerpq1K had another meltdown tonight. Enough that it brought the manager down again. Her meltdowns are warranting disturbances to neighbors which are now being told to the manager……now I understand why the manager brought me the letter with big letters that say we need to be out by June 1. K is just causing too much noise to the neighbors. They think she is hurting me. The last one when the police came, she had hurt me.

Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about how I am dealing or not dealing with her behavior. I have asked her what she really needs from me. What can mom do to make this easier for you? She tells me, “I don’t know”. So I keep embracing K which does not mean that I am ignoring her misbehavior. I am trying to tailor how I respond to her behavior in a way that makes more sense to her. But this is also my hang up too. I run out of effective ways to respond. Her reactions are like fireworks and the explovsives are everywhere. But I am trying.

I went to my therapy today and as I was talking, my therapist said something to me that was like a dagger in my heart. He said to me,”you give up your dream of who K should have been and accept her for who she is”. super mom He told me that I will be able to match my response to K’s behavior and then become an effective parent.

Acceptance. I understand but I had never realized that I had always wanted to much more for her. For her to be different, like my friend’s daughters. Stab my heart. I cried and cried and cried. How do I even accept myself? Not just with this, but just finding out that I have been diagnosed with a genetic disorder that doesn’t have a cure. I go in for an echocardiogram tomorrow morning (the 7th). I am scared. I am a single mom. I don’t have anyone to be with me. I have been trying to to increase my support system. But I work on K’s first, make sure she has everything she needs first. Then first in my own stuff. I am working on controlling my emotions right now because K sees me cry, and she worries too much. She tells me that I’m not trying hard enough.  Trying what not hard enough?
I don’t know what to do now?  Control my emotions.  That is what I do.  Breathe.  Keep my mouth shut and listen.  Meditation.  Breathe.  Don’t talk.  Listen. Clench my teeth, but do not say a word, just listen.  But always tell K that I love her, no matter what, no matter where.  Always and forever.  From the moon and around the sun….in the stars and back again.  Patience.  Smile.  Breathe.  Listen.  Smile.  Love her.  Just love on her.more patience

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Nearing the Holidays

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I know, I know, the holidays are coming up quickly.  I used to like them all at this time of year but have become more cynical, no that’s not the word I want to use.  I am more and more hurt by the actions of my family of origin.  When I was in my late teens and early 20’s, there seemed to be an unwritten rule in my house that bringing someone with for the holiday was ok and great.  The more fellowship the merry.  If someone has no place, bring them home with ya….mom and all of us will make the food that will fill the tummies of a lifetime.

Somewhere along the way that unwritten rule has gotten questioned and wrinkled up noses to me.  I still  have friends that don’t have anywhere to go for Thanksgiving let alone the Christmas season.  The older I get, I am still a single person (well not right this moment) but was single with a kiddo, and me wanting to bring a friend or two with for the warmth and joy of good food and some fun, was certainly ok. But…….ok.  I am now in a relationship.  He is an amazing man.  Sure he has his struggles, just any of the friends I brought to our house before.  But he is my boyfriend and I want him to be around for longer than just a few months.  I can see me and K getting used to him being around for awhile.

When I asked mom if it was ok if I bright Robert along for Christmas, I got the hem haw.  I told her that she was going to have to get used to him and me because we are together.  He loves K.  He is very good with her, for her.  I know he cares about me as well.  I know that we have fun together, even quiet times, that are comfortable and crazy times, where he continues to tell me to breathe or take one thing at a time.  But come back to my mom…..what happened to the open door policy for those who have no where to go or no one to be with?  Did that go out the door when dad died too?  There seems a whole lot of things that flew out the door when dad passed.  It’s just not fun like it used to be.  It’s like things are strained and my brother and sister and their families and my mom and probably me too, struggle to find a commonality that we can just talk about together.  Bringing up anything that has to do with mental health or chronic pain, is a NO NO. We just on’t talk about that stuff anymore.  No one cares.  Except for me.  I miss that.

Robert is coming to the Olson Crhistmas this weekend and he will be coming to Thanksgiving if there is one planned.  If not, we will cook up a storm here, making Thanksgiving here with just him and me and K.  That is just as good.

We will see.

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Two Roads?? You have got to be kidding!!

Robert Frost had it easy. Two roads?  I wish. The roads in front of me feel like a knotted super highway, a maze of interconnecting choices, and the cars are speeding past.  Believe me.  No one seems to have noticed that I am standing here alone on the side of the road, trying to figure out which road.  Einy, meeny, miny, moe . . .

TwoRoads

So where is the accumulated knowledge from years of living  (however ineptly), that is going to help me make the RIGHT decision this time? And why am I finding it so difficult to revel in the fact that there are choices when I know that so many people don’t have any?

Should I learn from the past through regret? What if I had made better decisions all along the way? What if I had studied harder, eaten healthier foods, taken more time to do what I love instead of “being sick” . . .  What if I had learned to play the piano better and hadn’t been afraid to be a rebound woman or to speak up? What if I had taken a shower instead of running on slug-filled sidewalks, moved forward in a kiss instead of pulling back from it? What if I hadn’t needed the fence around my heart and the guards and gates and terrifying towers that spun up skyward to protect me? What if the guards were sleepy or lazy or less vigilant and let more people and certain men get past. What if I had crawled into another bed and acknowledged the need for warmth and that sometimes I was afraid?  What if I hadn’t waited to really stand up for my desires until they were built up like a hurricane of inner fury and grief that ripped over my being, leaving the houses seeping and too much rubble?

Is a life lived without regret possible? If I faithfully practiced yoga and meditated would all those questionable turns I’ve taken, dissolve like a fog lifting? If mindfulness is the path to enlightenment, I just need someone to tell me which path it is. Please.

Perhaps, as a middle child, I am always attempting to figure out my world by looking at the people on both sides of me. If I start close to home in a family where my parents would have still been married (if my father hadn’t died from cancer), and my my brother and sister have careers and family; it doesn’t give me much to go on.

By habit, I move to my daughter’s sperm donor “father”. I do not know about the roads he has chosen, but they seem to have pretty much destroyed his life. My tendency is to believe that the path he has chosen is not the path I want for my daughter or myself….I think I chose the right path in that case.

K doesn’t ask about him often.  But I have told her the truth about him.  I think she gets the fact that he has chosen another path.  That we….her and I….deserve better.

So I’m standing here without an ounce of trust in my ability to make the RIGHT decision. And a part of me realizes that this highway is an autobahn. Everyone is driving too fast. The on and off ramps don’t comfort me, either. Any road I take is not a good choice without one. I am also not sure how long I will be able to stand at the crossroads. I know that soon I will need to step into the traffic and hope for the best, but my daughter’s hand is small and warm in mine. Shee is looking up at me with those penetrating blue eyes that defy her genetic roots. She trusts me to make the right choice. She is smiling up at me, and I can’t afford to make a mistake.

Be Happy

“The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.”

~ Thich Nhat Hanh

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Who doesn’t want to be happy? Just take a look at any moment of your life, any choice you make. Isn’t your intention to be happy?

By happiness, I don’t suddenly mean the silly-smile-on-your-face kind. What I mean is a profound sense of contentment, the ability to be serene and at ease no matter what, an inner perception that things are sufficient.

Somehow true happiness escapes us. Even though we crave it more than anything, we make choices that distract or wound us. We choose stressful behaviors, unfair views which we see the world, and emotional chaos. In doing this, we interfere with our potential to be happy.

Happiness is absolutely within our reach. In fact, it closer than close – it is the essence of you. How do we discover happiness? Make a study of our thoughts and emotions. See what makes you unhappy, then plant your feet firmly in the land of happiness.

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  • Take responsibility. Don’t blame others.   Don’t turn yourself into a victim. Don’t  wait for someone to come and save you. If you want to be happy, take the bull by the horns. Be willing to figure out how you stand in the way of your happiness.
  • Exemplify enthusiasm. Be willing, open, courageous, and humble. Admit what isn’t working and be available to the possibility of real inner change. Keep your journey alive.
  • Drop your old baggage. Nothing kills happiness more quickly than old hurts, resentments, and grudges. If you are spending your precious time stuck in a sad story from the past, realize that you are being affected much more than anyone else. Wrap all of that pain in a massive cocoon of love, and then move on with clarity and grace.
  • Become intensely interested in your inner life. The cause of unhappiness is playing out the conditioned habits that don’t serve you. Find out what they are and use a laser focus to see how they work. With your new-found awareness, make strong, life-affirming choices.
  • Question your beliefs. We unintentionally build our lives around inaccurate beliefs and expectations. Put every thought under the microscope for inspection to see if it is really true. You will definitely find that you are living through a blanket of misperception and inadequacy. Be willing to step away from these familiar and valued beliefs and see everything with renewed eyes.
  • Appreciate presence. Happiness is found here, in the eternal now – not in the past or future. Relax. Let all struggles fall away, and receive everything just as it is. Indulge in the wonder of your senses as you go about your daily life.
  • Study your emotions. Life becomes heavy and troublesome when we are governed by challenging emotions. The medicine for this emotional pain is attention and care. Stop telling yourself stories that fuel your emotions. Rather, welcome the direct experience of the feelings and the perceptions in your body. Let them be without needing to purge them. Over time, they will lose their power over you, and you will be at peace. The clouds will lift, enlightening the happiness you have been searching for all along.
  • Live from your heart. Shed every thought, emotion, and habit that no longer serves you. What is left? Love. Let love flood your conversations, activities, and the way you treat yourself. In any moment, ask, “What would love do?” then do it. Enjoy the sweetness of a full and open heart.
  • Choose freedom over fear. Fear is another happiness-killer. Know when fear is motivating your choices, and choose otherwise. Meet fear with love.   Have the courage to act on what you really want.
  • Let happiness permeate your life. Every moment presents the opportunity to be happy. If you doubt me, just take a look at your own experience. When you break it down to its bare soul in the moment, you will realize that a choice is always possible. Nag or be silent, self-criticize or self-love, sustain stress or take a deep breath, prolong a habit or undo it until you just can’t keep it going anymore.

When we are at peace with our own experience, we can’t help but be happy. Nothing is in the way. We see through the haze of broken beliefs and intense stories, leaving us available to intentionally choose happiness – now, and now, and now. Its right here, can you feel it?

Happiness is no longer unknown. Make healthier choices, and the limitless well of happiness will be revealed to you. I know that I am going to be working hard on this right now.

 

Choose to be Happy

Today I will be getting whatever I can over to my new apartment.  Everything from the storage unit is moved.  I just need to get my clothes and other personal items over.  I will miss Robin but it’s time to get my life going with K coming up this weekend.  I want to make sure her bed is made and ready.  I need to get my bathroom and kitchen somewhat in order too.  Bad thing is that my furniture isn’t all where I want or need it to be.  So will see how it goes and if I can do it myself or need some muscle behind it.  My chiro will be in business for awhile  LOL

Yesterday instead of coming back to pack up stuff, I went to the Y and to swim out my frustrations with some people who are trying to put some roadblocks in my way of growing.  I have prayed and thought about stuff.  I have decided to NOT give them anymore “free rent” in my head and heart.  If they can’t see or don’t wanna see the changes I have made….it’s their problem not mine.  I choose to stick by my friends here and other places because they know me now. The real me. Even if they know parts of my past, they accept me where I am now. I choose to keep living and loving the way I have been for the past few years. God has been so good me…K is coming home. I have a new place to live. I have super friends. I have a great mom. I am blessed.
Amen. ♥

I have some of the most wonderful friends in the world.  They are honest with me and kick my butt when it needs to be kicked.  I may get upset, but then, realize I probably needed it at that time.  We all do that from time to time.

I chose to be and remain well.  I chose to be happy and content with all that I am and what I am doing.

I want to share a couple songs that helped me through yesterday.

Tenth Ave North – Losing

 

Big Daddy Weave – “Redeemed”

 

 

 

Choices

 

I have learned that life is about choices.  So many, that I have lost count.  Choosing the make the best choice you can is sometimes really difficult….at least sometimes it is for me.  I have been trying to teach K about making good choices.  Being 8 years old, it’s really hard for her to make good ones, most days.  Then there are some days she makes the absolute best choices ever and has a superb day.  Those days we celebrate.  On the others, we still celebrate the good choices she has made but talk about the others that could have been better.  We talk about what other things she could have done instead.  I hope this is helping her to know that good choices lead to good feelings and good things.

 

I realize there are also some things we have no control over.  Some choices we can’t make as they are pretty much already made.  Like where you were born, the family you grew up in, the rules made by the police (thought technically you could break them too).

I have found though, that there are some choices that you do have control over in your life time.

1.  The Choice to Learn

Learning is a choice you make consciously or unconsciously.  You can consciously go to college or return to college ( like I am doing right now).  You learn while you are at doctor appointments, conversing with friends, reflection of your day, etc.  You can choose to ignore these learning experiences or not.

2.  Choices in and around Relationships

You can choose who you want to remain in a relationship with, whether a friendship or romantic relationship.  Some relationships like with family, you can’t really choose who they are, but you can choose your interactions with them.  For example, my sister and I don’t get along the greatest.  I am not really sure why as we have never really talked about it much.  For me, I chose to be polite and responsive when she is around.  She will choose to react however she does.  Sometimes it really makes me angry that we are not close as I wish we could be, but I have come realize that is HER choice now.  I have made my thoughts known, it’s up to her what she wants.

3.  Choices in regards to your personal health

I have chosen to take control in my personal health in the past year.  I know that my lifestyle has been unhealthy for years.  So, I have taken the reigns and I exercise almost daily.  I choose to swim as it is the easiest on my joints (which I have major issues with).  I also have made better decisions to be pro-active in relation to my fibromylgia and chronic pain issues.  I also am aware that I need to watch my blood levels after having VSG surgery.  I am taking much better care of myself.  This has had many many positive results:  weight loss, better stamina, less brain fog, more strength, and more knowledge of how this helps in my relationships with others.

4.  The Choice where I choose to live/reside

I have been moving around most of my life.  Trying to “escape” myself for years.  “Where ever you go, there you are.”  You can not escape yourself.  You will always be with yourself.  I choose to live a ways away from my immediate family due to much drama that happens where they live.  I have enough in my life, I don’t want to be sucked into theirs.  I also have chosen to move to a community where there is a lot of access to parks and recreation.  I love to be outside.  I chose this community because K needs a healthy environment to grow up in.  It’s a larger community than she is used to, but I believe that she will thrive here too.  We will make connections with other people who will have common interests.    Choosing where to live is about just that….finding a connection.

5.  Choice in what your priorities are

Recently I have had to revisit my priorities.  K will be moving back home with me in a matter of weeks.  I haven’t had to be totally responsible for her for awhile.  Now when she is home with me, she is my top priority.  Although, my life and health are also a priority.  I need to take care of me in order to take care of her.

6.  Choice in my spiritual journey

I have been having some problems in this area.  I am proud to say that I am a Christian.  I have some friends who are radical Christians and some that are not so much.  This causes some dissent in me.  I am more middle of the road.  I have my values and beliefs and morals.  I grew up in the Lutheran church.  I still have some of those traditional values too.  But for me, I chose to be open minded and look at my spirituality from all sides.  I use what works for me and put aside the rest.  I respect my friends thoughts and practices too.

7.  The choice to value myself

This has been the most life changing choice I have made thus far in my life.  I didn’t used to value who I was when I was younger.  I didn’t really care all that much if people hurt and abused me.  As I have grown up, I see how that has shaped me, who I am.  I realize I have rights and responsibilities to myself and my family.  I value who I am.  I value all that I am and all that I want to be.  I do not put myself in situations that could possibly harm me or those around me.  I am worth so much more than that.  So are YOU!!!!  My confidence level has increased about 10 fold.  I believe in myself more.  Yes, some days, I have my doubts and fears.  All people do.  But for the most part, I believe that I am a good person.  Worthy of good things.

8.  The Choice to not Chose

There is always the choice to not choose to do anything.   The choice not to make a choice in any of the above or any other key aspect of your life is again a choice that has the potential to transform your life…

 

You exist….but do you live?

 

Too often I feel like I am just going through life and not really living.  Everyday lately seems like the last.

So, I have decided that I am going to do some things that will hopefully help me feel like I am really living life to the fullest.

1.  Love more – I need to love more….not pass judgement to fast.  I need to get out more and do the things that make me feel good.  I need to remember to tell the people that I really care about, that I love them….all the time….not just when it’s convenient.

2.  Go outside –   I need to get out in the fresh air.  Put on my daily calendar to go out and walk.  Experience nature.  Dance in the rain (when it’s not freezing outside 🙂  like above 50* out).    Stop and smell the flowers.  Maybe take my camera with me and shoot some nature pictures to share.

3.  Figure out what is most important to me – I need to make a list of the 5 most important things to me and focus on them.  Make time in my life for what’s really  important.

4.  Volunteer – being job hunting is slow going….I need to get myself out there and volunteer.  I know that helping others helps me to feel better about who I am and what I know and can offer others.

5.  Develop my spirituality – I need to spend more time with God.  I mean try to really feel His presence in my life.  Make a list of things I am grateful for.  Maybe write 5 things everyday that I am thankful for.  Pray….pray ….pray…

6.  Start a creative journal – Regular writing in a journal is something I have really grown out of.  I blog here.  Write my thoughts, complaints, my victories, etc.  But I want to be more creative.   I love to draw, doodle, create….

7.  Be in the moment – I gotta stop thinking about tomorrow and just live in today.  I worry about this not having a job or not having K with me full time and forget to live today.  I know worry causes major anxiety for me.  It also triggers some fibro crap for me too.  I don’t really think much about my past anymore.  Sometimes I stop and get stuck there but not like I used to be.  I know I can’t change the past…it’s better it’s behind me and will stay there.