Life and Everyday

25th day of Thanks

Thankful.  Thankful. Thankful.

So many things to be thankful for today.  I had some clarity today and for that I am thankful.  I can’t really elaborate on that other than I can say I thank God for “a-ha” moments and for getting my bearings straight.  I also am thankful for K’s understanding nature and she didn’t freak out on me when plans got changed at the last moment.  She just kinda went with the flow.  I know that is hard for her sometimes but she just rolled with it and for that I am very thankful.

God has blessed me big time with so many things.  My daughter has a huge heart.  Kind and soft.  I have heard that from so many people, especially her teachers at school.  I see is so very often.  God is so good.  And for that, I am thankful.



Life and Everyday

19 19 19 19 day 19

Day 19…..Thank for the doctor and nurses at Urgent Care today.  19They took very good are of K-bug this morning and got her fluids in her and zofran and helped her to feel a little more perky.  Tonight she is feeling more herself.  She still won’t be going to school tomorrow but at least she won’t be feeling as “punk” as she has been.  Hopefully the fevers will stay down now.  I thank the good Lord for the doctor and nurses that kept her in check and knew what she needed right now.  I think she is turning the corner tonight. *big smiles*

Life and Everyday

My “could care less”

kateys pink hair 2012

katers and me


This is my K. And I love her so much.  Then I sigh when I look at these pictures.

I sigh because of her elegance. It makes this mommy’s heart smile and it makes me proud. It makes me proud because she could care less if everything doesn’t match perfectly. She could care less if she looks ridiculous. She could care less what anyone else thinks of her outfits or her hair. (she loves them and that is all that counts) She could care less if it is a “bad” picture of her. If her smile is weird. Or her hair is messy.

Does any of that sound familiar to any of you? Familiar as in-exact opposite of our own thoughts. I’ve lost my flair. My could care less. I delete and delete pictures of me that just look awkward.

K is free from such inhibitions. She is happy with her looks. She is not concerned with how beautiful she is. She loves to put rabbit ears behind anyone and everyone’s head. She is just being herself.

And I wonder…how did I get from there to here?

When did I start to care how I looked in photographs? When did I start to see myself as fat or ugly? When did I start to compare myself with others?

And, how can I encourage her, my sweet girl, to stay in this frame of mind she is in? How can I tell her everyday she is beautiful?

How can we teach our girls they are beautiful-no matter what anyone may say?

We can help them cultivate inner beauty. I think LC is beautiful outwardly. But, it is her personality that makes her shine. Even more than personality, though, inward-character beauty, that is what makes a woman beautiful. Growing in love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness and self control. Those are what makes a girl truly beautiful.

I don’t think we can emphasize character development too much. But I also think that there is nothing wrong with complementing our children (girls) on how they look.

Christians have swung very far right (or wrong, in my opinion) in the matter of physical compliments. I was taught that complementing someone’s physical beauty was the worst form of flattery.  We don’t want to just emphasize the outward-especially at the cost of the inward. We don’t want to produce a bunch of vain idoits. But…is there a balance?

We can teach our girls to love their bodies and be confident in their looks, by loving our bodies and being confident in our looks.

By not shying away from the camera, nor deleting all the “bad” pictures of ourselves.

By not complaining about our fat bellies, and thighs, and butts.

By not resenting the stretch marks. Each and every one a mark of the blessings God has poured into our lives by way of our babies.

By taking delight in being a woman. Being feminine. Taking pride in dressing girly.

By taking care of our bodies-eating right, exercising, sleeping, doing our nails. All outward things, but all important. There is a belief, dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Let’s treat ourselves as beautiful, and we will be beautiful.

By not letting our brothers, or any other person in their life, tease them about their weight or any other physical feature. Just not tolerate it.

We need to commit to loving our girls and making them feel lovable and beautiful-no matter how they look, no matter what they do.

We need to encourage them to be girls, to be princesses, all their lives.

We need to remind them of what they knew as girls-their worth and beauty is not defined by Hollywood. It isn’t defined by a certain color hair, or a small dress size, or a brand.

Their beauty is a inner beauty that spills over to the outside. Their beauty is character. Their beauty is spunk. Their beauty is individual.

“Beauty is not based on how attractive we are to everybody else, but how attractive we are to ourselves, for one cannot think other people think they are full of beauty unless they know they are beautiful too.”-unknown

 “What no beautician would ever tell a woman is that the secret to being beautiful is thinking the right thoughts.”-unknown

“He has made everything beautiful in His time.”
Ecclesiastes 3:11

” Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.”

Life and Everyday

What are your 5 improvements for the New Year??

It’s coming, whether we are ready or not.  2012 is leaving us….2013 is joining us.  So what about resolutions?  I hate them.  But I do like thinking about things I want to improve on during the year.

Merriam Webster defines Resolution as:



1: the act or process of resolving: as

a : the act of analyzing a complex notion into simpler ones

b : the act of answering : solving



1: the act or process of improving
2 a: the state of being improvedespecially : enhanced value or excellence

   b : an instance of such improvement : something that enhances value or excellence
So….these are the areas I want to improve on throughout the year:

1. My daughter. I want to finally be able to know how to help her be using her full potential.  Testing will be done early January.  Going to find out what is really going on and what to do to help her.  I want to be the best mom I can be for her.

2. Health. I want to continue to work on my weight loss journey.  I need to get back to the weight loss doctor and get back on the food program.  I need to be consistent and persistent and make it to my appointments.

3. Finances. I want to sort out my finances. Starting with developing a budget which includes monthly savings. I need to figure out how to catch up with all the bills I am behind on.  I want to start the New Year with a plan.

4. University. I want this year to go by smoothly. I know that I need to continue with it and as difficult and frustrating as it is, I need to finish. I wish for the strength and determination to see it through. I need to also figure out the financial aid part because I don’t qualify for any aid what so ever.  So I need to come up with alternatives to paying for the rest of my BA.

5. Courage. I wish for the courage to let go of all that I can’t change. I wish for the courage to forgive and forget. I wish for the courage to move on. I wish for the courage to put me first.  I wish for courage to be extremely honest in my therapy so that I can heal my past and move on to the present with less anxiety and stress.

There you go…my five wishes for 2013. These will guide me as the year unfolds and life takes over.

What are your wishes for 2013?

Life and Everyday

My 2012 in Review

This is my 2012 in review…..quoting a few from old posts:


In January, I moved to Woodbury, MN.  I was living my good friend, Robin, in her townhouse.  I started looking for jobs and looking and looking and looking……..

“I am trying to get everything connected….get myself organized and in sync with all that is going on here.  Being in a new place is sometimes very unnerving for me.  I guess just about every time I have moved, my anxiety has gotten to me.  You know being spiritual, I try to connect to God at least every morning when I get up.  I say thank you God.  Thank you God.  Just Thanks.   Not much more than that in the beginning of my day.  But i know there is more for connection than that.”

“Been also trying to get in with weight loss clinic up here so they can help me keep tabs on how my surgery and weight loss is going.  I hit weight loss of 75 pounds this past week.  SOOOO HAPPY!!  woohoo.  Can’t believe I have lost 75 pounds already.  Still working on more.”

Started therapy with Adam.


“This past week I have been struggling with a fear of eating.  I think most of it revolves around control.  I know the things I need to do, but the fear of gaining what I have already lost is very scary to me.  Before I left Iowa, I had a handle on knowing my numbers, my blood levels and felt generally pretty well.  Since coming to MN, I feel outta control.  I don’t have a grasp on my numbers yet.  I know I have lost some since being here.  But as far as blood levels and such….not so much.”


“A new chapter has started in my life.  Moving to Minnesota is the beginning of this new journey.  But I still don’t know if I am in the right place or the right time.  If that makes sense.  I have become to feel more comfortable in my skin yet, there are so many who are doubtful and questioning why I am doing what I am doing and how come, etc.  It seems so difficult for some people to understand why I am making the choices I am.  I feel it is right for me.  At this moment in time.  I have been called bull headed, stubborn and gonna do whatever I want no matter what anyone says.  Been un-friended on Facebook by a few this past week cuz I stood up for myself and what I believe in.”

Started going to the YMCA!!!

K spent all spring break with me!!


“1.  Love more – I need to love more….not pass judgement to fast.  I need to get out more and do the things that make me feel good.  I need to remember to tell the people that I really care about, that I love them….all the time….not just when it’s convenient.”

SOUL DETOX   is the topic at  Whew….great series.


Started classes at Argosy University-Twin Cities.  (Eagan MN)  Good but strange to be back in classes again.

At the end of the month K came home to live with me.  What a joyous occasion.  She is finally home after 2 1/2 years.

Going the extra mile is tough because it means stretching further after you’ve already stretched. It means giving more even after you’ve already given. The first part is like, “Oh, this is my Christian duty.” But the second part, the “above and beyond” part, is purely out of the kindness of your heart.”


I moved to Hastings MN!!

“I have learned that life is about choices.  So many, that I have lost count.  Choosing the make the best choice you can is sometimes really difficult….at least sometimes it is for me.  I have been trying to teach K about making good choices.  Being 8 years old, it’s really hard for her to make good ones, most days.  Then there are some days she makes the absolute best choices ever and has a superb day.  Those days we celebrate.  On the others, we still celebrate the good choices she has made but talk about the others that could have been better.  We talk about what other things she could have done instead.  I hope this is helping her to know that good choices lead to good feelings and good things.”

Dealt with some old friends who “unfriended” me on FB….which is ok, I guesss.  Still hurt because we had been friends for over 20 years.  It’s about choices.  It’s about standing up for what I believe in too.

K got her tonsils out June 25, 2012.  She did great.  The after it, healing…..oh …well…oy oy oy!!!


My brother is running for sheriff of Worth county in Iowa.  So K and I went to many parades and helped him out.  We looked awesome in our bright yellow shirts.

More job hunting…..and more and more and more

There was a big tragedy in my hometown where kids died and some hospitalized.  They were K’s age and a little older.  Sad day for Northwood.

Still figuring out how to pay for college, but still taking classes anyways.  LOL


Started off this month reading a blog by Chris Sprad, Epic Parent!!  What a cool dude!!  Has awesome parenting ideas and a good Christian way of looking at parenthood.

Got word that I am now I was hired with Minnesota Reading Corps .  This is part of the AmeriCorps “company”.  I don’t what to call it.  LOL

Weight loss surgiversary = Aug 11, 2012

total weight loss to date 102 pounds!!


K turns 9 years old!!  OMG I feel old.  We had a party at the park by the pool.  Invited friends….had a photo booth, mustaches galore.  Cake and punch and so much fun!!


K also started school at Kennedy Elementary School here in Hastings.  3rd Grade…..she sure struggled a lot those first few days.  Her teacher is Mrs. Harris.  She is truly an awesome teacher/friend.


Started this month by going to Nesbitt’s Pumpkin Patch and Farm.  What a fun time…..jumping on hay bales…..running through the grass…..driving little pedal tractors.  LOL

Learning the single parenting is harder and harder.  K and I butt heads often.  I try so hard to read and talk and listen to friends and family and professionals to try to figure out how to help her become more comfortable here.  It’s still a huge adjustment for her here…..and for me.

Tutoring kids at school – K to 3rd is amazing.  I love my work!!!

Halloween at school was a hoot.  K and I both had pink hair.  Both in ponytails….both of us just goofy.

halloween 2012


I did a month of giving thanks.  It was hard for me to keep up, but I did do it.

I had a lot of writing about stress….holiday time is my stress.  Everything leads up to expectations and what not.  But….made it through Thanksgiving, Black Friday and slid right into December.


It’s still December, but it has overall been a good year for me.  My BIGGEST blessing this year has been my daughter coming home.  It’s been a lot of stress, but sooo much LOVE.

Spent a week being sick…..down and ugly sick.  Missed my kids at school terribly.  They missed me too.  It has been a short month for school.

Been having K in for testing at the Center for Attention, Learning, and Memory.  Trying to figure out how to help her better.  She has a type of ADHD, but trying to figure out what type and which treatment will work best for her.

Christmas at mom’s was great.  ALL of us in one house for the first time since my dad passed away (12 years ago).  They finally put on their big kid panties and dealt with it and let my mom have a wonderful Christmas.  I don’t think I have seen her smile so much in years.

Another weight loss update: to date 110 pounds:

110poundslighter 12 2012

And with that…..


Life and Everyday

DBT and other stuff


Had therapy today and was talking to Adam about K and the incident in school yesterday.  Being sent to the principal’s office and her tears and “I need a hug”.  etc.  She has been and continues to want to do things her way or the highway.  She wants to feel control and not let others control her.   She is 8 years old.  How much control do you give an 8 year old?  I cried….well tears just streamed down my face.  Feeling embarrassed and shame for what I have done or not done to help her.  With her living at mom’s, there isn’t much I can do right now.  We talked about getting all the legal stuff turned around and getting her to come to me.  It’s going to take time and energy on my part.  I have a lot of work to do.  I know I can do it.  I will do it.  I am also glad that my mom is in agreement that K needs to be home with me.  I am sure the judge and advocates want to make sure that I am stable emotionally and physically and all that before they overturn all the past judgement on me.  I know I have lots to prove in that arena.  I do have professionals who will back me up when it comes to all this.  People who know me and will go to bat.  So that is a plus for me.  I hope I don’t fall to pieces in the mean time.

Where do I start with all this?  I have no clue.  Adam didn’t really leave me with a direction to go this morning either.  Or at least I didn’t pick up on it.  Still trying to find a doc to do medication management with me.  The ones I have called aren’t taking on new patients.  So will be a trial and error and guessing game to see who will.  I will make more calls tomorrow.  See what I come up with.

Physical pain has been kicking my butt lately.  My knee popped yesterday and then instantly swelled up.  Not good at all.  It hurts to walk again.  I don’t know what I did.  Just turned at the wrong time or my leg wasn’t placed right or something.  I have PT tomorrow.  I hope she can tell me what I did or need to do differently.  I also go to the chiropractor.  My cousin referred me to him.  I was there on Tuesday.  He is a very good doc too.  I hope he can lessen the hip and low back pain.  Soooo incredibly sick of pain.

A friend mentioned to me tonight that maybe if I change how I think/talk about my body and my pain, it would help.  I know there is some sort of brain body connection.  Like convincing myself that it’s not really that bad?  I don’t know.  After losing weight, I am actually liking my body more.  I can see the changes and I like the fact that I am fitting into smaller clothes.   I have more to do.  I need to get out and exercise and get more weight off.  I need to start doing some light weight lifting training.  Toning is what I need.  My skin is getting saggy.  Not terribly saggy but I am starting to see it more.  ugh.

Adam talked about DBT today too.  I don’t know what or why, but I got ticked off inside my head.  I was like what the hell do I have to come back to that crap again for?  I went through the weeks and months of that when I lived in Iowa with Hope H.  I did the program.  I remember bits and pieces.  But I don’t consciously practice it every day.  I use what I can and leave the rest.  Right?  So when I got home I googled DBT again.  Just reading some of the stuff, turned on the resentment and anger button.  What is that all about?  I think mainly because I hate it when Dr. Z labels me as borderline.  Borderline of what?  and who says?  Angie and I went over the criteria from the DSMV….I don’t really fit it anymore.  Maybe 5 years ago, I would have been a great candidate for that dx….but today?  Not so much.  I don’t know what I am or what category I fit.  I don’t think I really need to fit into anything or anybodies categories.  Ya know?  I know I have some sadness and anxiety still.  I feel that almost on a daily basis.  The anxiety still makes me feel like puking.  I hate that part about it.  We’ll see.  I got another name from him today to see about medication management.  It’s a gal that does it.  She is a PAC…nurse that can prescribe meds and such.  Hopefully she is seeing new folks.  I need to get in somewhere.  We’ll see.

I want and need to get to church this weekend too.  I want to go to Crossroads Church in Woodbury.  I have looked them up online and they seem pretty cool place to be.  Maybe I will call the pastor and or someone there and just talk to them a bit before going.  At least that way, I will know/recognize someone when I get there.  I would like to get involved some as well.  But that will be down the road, I am sure.

I need to work on relationships with people.  I suck at relationships.  What a realization huh?