UGH!! Pain….again…..

I admit….I did way more than I was supposed to yesterday.  I took some pain medicine before we started sorting and moving boxes down to the garage yesterday.  Mom came up and helped me carry boxes down.  Some boxes were relatively heavy, some were pretty light.  I think it was the up and down the steps that killed me.  Usually it isn’t that bad.  But with boxes, I can’t see where I am going.  I didn’t fall though.  woooohooo!!

pain cushion

This dx of Ehlers Danlos syndrome has me learning so many new things about what it is what it does what I need to do to keep myself from getting too hurt etc.  Add this to my autoimmune stuff, I feel like a walking mess.  I think I might spend some time writing down what dx’s I have been given and what is true and what is crap.  From mental health, etc. to all my general health yuck.  Then get all my allergies down, all my current meds down, try to get hospitalizations down.  That would be a huge problem because of the psych hospitalizations that I had when I was in my 20’s and early 30’s.  That time of my life really bit the dust.  ugh.

I am so sick of pain.  I wish and been praying to God would send a miracle for me.  To me and Katey….finding a place to live is pretty imminent right now.  my_joints_go_out_more_than_i_do_eds_awareness_button-r1eae097842c14de7b761d6361a49c299_x7sav_1024well, I need to go to bed before I fall asleep typing.  maybe my joints will stay in place more tomorrow.  night friends.

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Rainy days and Thursdays

Man…..it’s been raining most of the day.  My joints ache so bad this evening.  I did take some pain meds, I hate doing that.  But Dr. Kristin would be proud of me since I don’t even take them as prescribed.  LOL

I have been doing a lot of thinking today.  About being a mom.  What it takes to be a mom.  What is the difference between a good mom and a bad mom.  It’s all relative, right?   I have been reading (on and off) writings from this woman, Rachel Macy Stafford.  Her website Hands Free Mama, is full of her life as a mom, the good and the bad….tears and celebrations.  Some have me in such tears that I can’t even read….I have to stop for a bit just to pull it together again.

Today I happened to be reading, Making your Loudest Voice Calmer & Your Truest Voice Stronger.  Before I had even thought about reading today, I had been thinking about last night’s meltdown.  I had yelled at K.  I don’t usually yell at her.  But I did, it even caught me off guard.  It dawned on me today that I had scared her.  That hurt my heart terribly and the tears rolled.  Back to the blog by Rachel.  When I read these words:

At my loudest, I was heard the least.

At my loudest, I felt the most pain.

At my loudest, I caused the most hurt.

At my loudest, my voice was most voiceless.

I felt like she had gone into my heart and mind and grabbed the words right out of me.  My voice has not been there for quite some time.  Before I asked Robert to leave, he told me I talk too much, I feel too much, I share too much.  So, began my time of sinking into myself and watcing and limiting what I say and to whom I spoke to. I began to get angry at him.  At myself for having feelings or emotions at all.  So when I yelled last night at K, I was stunned at myself.  K was scared of me.  She curled herself into the corner of her bed and just looked at me crying and shaking.

I don’t want to cry anymore.  I cry too much.  Lately I cry all the time.  K sees me cry.  She tells me to stop crying.  The other day, she said I don’t even try anymore.  I went to my bedroom and yup, I cried.  I lay in bed and cry until I finally fall asleep.   I called my psych doc today, talked to his nurse and told her I think I need to get off some of my meds.  All they do is make me tired.  All I want to do is sleep.  And as Robert says….I talk too much.  I went on and on.  My anxiety is so high right now.  Between K’s behavior and language and school stuff, the rummage sale next week (that I am not ready for), getting ready to move by June 1, and still not knowing where I am going to live…..I can’t breathe.  I feel like I am drowning.  I know I am trying my best but I just can’t breathe.  There is a huge pile of stuff in my living room where some stuff is marked and boxed and ready to go to my garage.  My bedroom is a disaster….I have yet to go through some stuff.  K’s room is like a tornado went through it.  Everywhere I look…..I can’t breathe…..I need out.  I want to get out and just drive away….get as far away as I can.

war in my mind

 

 

 

 

That is what it feels like these days.  War, battle, conflict, struggle…..fear.  I don’t know what is next.  I know tomorrow, somedays.  But anxiety, fear.

I thought I was ok

Tonight I am struggling. I wrote earlier about being angry and trying loving-kindness with myself. Well I failed miserably. I didn’t want to go on about how badly I was doing. I don’t want to complain all the time, which is what I feel like I am doing.

I think nighttime is just hard. After getting K in bed, the apartment is pretty quiet . I had the beginnings of an anxiety attack coming on before she went to bed. I knew it was not going to be easy. But I reached out to a few friends on FB. I focused on my breathing. After a bit….it just was getting worse. My heart was pounding, my hands were shaky and starting to get sweaty. It was hard to type. So I took my nighttime meds. And I waited. And waited. I continued to talk to my FB friends. But the anxiety didn’t let up. I put the computer down and stepped out on the balcony. It’s 35° out there. I went out there to pray. I wasn’t sure why or what to say. I just said, ” God, help me!
I can’t do this alone.”

When I first began, there were tears in my heart. I’m not sure why or where they were coming from exactly. I looked at the sky for a moment. I saw a few stars which was odd considering it was overcast most of the day and snowing pellets on us. But I knew God was there.

I came back in a tad frozen. Still focused on my breathing. Got back on FB and checked back in with my friends. Then it hit me again. This time in the form of having to binge. I made this pumpkin cake dessert for my mom and Tiny when they brought K back home on Sunday. I cut a piece. I ate that. Guilt set in. I had VSG surgery two years ago, I am not supposed to be eating l like that. But then I ate until the whole line of cake I had cut was gone. I had eaten it all.

If you know anything about weight loss surgery you know our stomach can only hold about 3-4 oz of food this far out. I felt absolutely sick. And the guilt set in. If course, had taken my night meds, I was getting sleepy too. So I decided to go to bed. While laying here trying to get comfy, I grabbed the box of crackers, mindlessly, and ate some. About a half hour later I was feeling sick. I went to the bathroom and purged. And purged some more. I know this sounds so gross, but I have to write it out our the guilt will kill me.

About half way through this post I had to get up and do it again. I feel so much shame . And guilt. I hate who I am when I do this. I know God loves me and wants me to beat this. But I don’t know what I go from here.

I see Amanda tomorrow at the Emily Program…..I guess that is a place to start to get honest.

I just want the tears to stop

I just want to stop crying everyday.  I also want the anger to go away too.  One moment I am all tears, the next angry as a bull seeing red.  Why?  the only thing I can think that is triggering this (other than my daughters outbursts recently) is the old fricken tapes in my head.  They are back telling me how worthless and horrible a person I am.  How much of a failure I am.  blah blah blah.

It’s so hard when I have K freakin out because she wants something that she can’t have or do something that we can’t do because there is no money, etc.  She is angry at me because I get angry at her.  It’s like a never-ending circle.  I don’t know where or when it ends.  I get angry because she feels she is entitled to have all the things she asks for and then some.  I am supposed to go and do and whatever when she wants it.  But my wallet and bank account, my body and head just can’t do it.

I am in pain.  Not just this damn emotional pain but the physical pain.  I hate having this chronic pain disease or illness or whatever it is called.  I hate lupus.  I hate fibro.  I am sick of physical pain everyday when I get up.  I choose not to take the benzo’s because I hate how they make me feel.  So I choose to live with the pain.  My fault.

Emotionally I am drained.  On this roller coaster of anger and crying.  Throw in a huge handful of anxiety and I’m a hot mess.  I went to this new psychiatrist today.  Was a total waste of my time.  Basically she said that I should go back to my old doc because she doesn’t have time to treat “someone like me”.  Well, it’s that a lovely thing to say to a person who is on the verge of tears and anger???  So I walk out and call that damn clinic back and ask Susie to get me in with a psychiatrist with the soonist opening.  The soonist opening….3 1/2 weeks away.  But with a different doc than who I have been seeing.  It’s a lady.  I have never had a lady psychiatrist.  I hope she knows what she is doing.  I hope she doesn’t load me up on meds like the past doc.

Why am I so angry?  I don’t get it.  I mean I do, but I don’t.  They are just all so much little things that are stupid to be mad at.  Why get angry at the little things?  Am I just being petty?

  • pain
  • lack of money/no job
  • foot in boot still
  • can’t exercise yet
  • eating sucks
  • k talking back
  • laundry piling up
  • I’m alone
  • no support
  • physically can’t do things I need to get done…cleaning up the balcony flowers and stuff
  • cleaning the apartment, etc
  • getting groceries up the stairs
  • k’s insistence on clashing clothes to go to school
  • k’s constant yelling at me telling me that i am stupid and horrible mom
  • k throwing things at me when she is mad

I probably should be doing a gratitude list instead.  That would be the more Christian thing to do.  But I am tired of being or playing that everything is fine when I am outside….it’s a game out there.  I hate it.  I hate being home too.  I haven’t felt like hurting myself in years….and then yesterday and today…..BAM!!  I haven’t done any cutting or massive pill swallowing.  But my god, the thoughts are there. again.

Family in Crisis

Family

A twinge of pain in my gut

Back in the familiar surroundings once again

Same people but a different circumstance

Fighting, angry voices, cursing, pointing fingers, blame

This time, not me

I listen

I watch

I observe

Again the pain is so very real

Reliving in my heart, my brain

Cutting like a knife, the words slice my every vein

But it’s not me

It’s them

When does family drama end?

When do they stop fighting?

Miles don’t take the pain away

It still stirs in my mind and my soul

I can’t make it leave

I can’t get far enough away

Mornings with ADD

Ya don’t know what you are gonna get.  ‘Nuff said.  Uffda and OY!!

Today was tough….some days are pretty ok…most days are so hard.  “They” say have a routine, write it down where she can see it (done it, have it), wake her up at the same time every morning (doing that),  get her to bed at the same time, (we have a set bedtime, which we get to her bed by), eat decently (she’s a picky eater, so still working on this one), give natural consequences (doin that one too).  Ok.  If I am doing all these things, why o why I am still having horrible mornings with her?  I try to get her medicine in her at 6:30am every morning.  So that by the time she gets to school she is civil to the teachers and other students.  Which must be working because I haven’t heard from the teachers all week, which as been a big plus this week.

Thing is….at home….I catch the brunt of it.  I HATE it!!  I know I am the mom.  I am supposed to be able to handle this.  But to tell the truth, I have my shit to deal with too.  And to have her throw insults and cuss and be angry and stuff at me, is so very hard.   Consequences just make her more mad.  Timeouts to her room make her more pissy.  I mean, it’s not by all means, like this.  We do have some very good, almost awesome streaks too.  But when it’s bad…it’s horrible.  Today just happens to be one of her “I hate you” mornings.

So now what?  She made it before the bus…barely.  Mad at me because I wouldn’t let her take the umbrella.  Last time the umbrella went to school, it was a total disaster.   Caused much more trouble than what it was worth taking it with.  So I am trying to save trouble before giving it a chance to fester.  But then made it worse here.  Glad she didn’t slam the front door.  So she is off to school.

I did to google thing….how to deal with kids in the morning before medication is taken.  I get what I mentioned the first paragraph.  Do any of you readers have pre-teen kiddos that have ADD and difficult mornings?  I brought up with her psych doc about the possibility of her having depression/anger problems.  He said it is hard to say or diagnosis.  The reason I asked is because it runs int he family.  No only me…but other family members as well.  More of a wait and see.  I don’t want to drug her up.  I don’t want her to suffer either.  I have been thinking about trying a gluten free diet.  But I think that would kill me.  LOL  That would be a huge hard thing for me to give up and get into doing.  But I have heard such great results from this.

I need to do more research on this.  I need to figure out how to incorporate this into our lives.  Maybe see if it helps her and me.  Lessens her anxiety and anger and also my fatigue and pain and anxiety.  I don’t know.  I have a good friend that has to have a gluten free diet because of her allergy to it.  If even forced….I think it would be so hard.  Suggestions?

Deep breaths this morning.

Sometimes sadness

SOMETIMES…

sometimes I get sad

sometimes I’m down

sometimes I’m just scared

noone is around

sometimes noise is piercing

deep down inside

sometimes with tears

I cannot seem to hide

 that’s when I need know

that’s when I trust

that’s when I lean on

the One that I must

that’s when He holds me

gentle and still

that’s when I feel Him

I know He is real

 sometimes I’m  lonely

even at home

sometimes the anger

won’t leave me alone

sometimes the pain

is all I can bear

sometimes I wonder

does anyone really care

 that’s when I cry out

desperate and free

that’s when I listen

how much does He loves me

that’s when He comforts

in His tender ways

that’s when He keeps up

loving all ways

sometimes there’s more 

anguish and grief

sometimes I fall down

I’m so broken, so weak

sometimes the whispers

inside are unkind

sometimes my mind

can’t seem to unwind

that’s when I need trust Him

that’s when I need rest

that’s when I need know

God always knows best

that’s when I hold on

to the promise so true

He cannot leave me

He’ll always come through

 

This is my hope….that God will be there….sometimes I am not sure He is…but I realize I need to trust and believe in something and someone…….