getting unstuck

For months I have said that I need to make some serious changes.  I am done with surgeries, finally. I have healed up pretty well. I have gotten the doctor’s ok to start doing more exercise. I am also doing a lot of PT also. They are giving some good ideas to be exercise aware for pain and swelling and such. I am so glad to have the OK to get back in the swing of things. My hand is still in a brace for the next month, but I can take it off when I go to water aerobics.  This is my getting unstuck from being pretty sedentary for months.

beneath the pain

I have many other areas that I am going to work on getting unstuck.  I will write more posts about the following when I get my thoughts in order and what I am going to do or am doing to get unstuck in that area.

1. I am working with Aimee at the Emily Program (dealing with my eating disorder).

2.  Figure out my money (or lack of) situation.  Figure out how to make and use a budget….and follow through.

3.  Do more incorporating my faith and also meditation into my life.

4.  Getting my plan started in regards to starting Metro State this fall.  Get the reading/writing assessment completed.

I think I have a decent place to start here.  I have to quiet my mind now that my pain level has decreased from way about 10 (the worst) to a manageable 4-5.  Only taking a muscle relaxer when I need to.  Also got a gel that is supposed to help with my low back pain, lidocaine.    I think it’s more manageable right now.

 

 

 

looking back: Happiness

Awhile back I wrote a paper for a class about happiness.  I went back to read it as I was going through some old folders online.  I came across it.  So gonna take a look back.

What does it mean to “be happy.”   Simple living— is just the beginning of happiness research and positive psychology science.

  1. The relationship of happiness to income levels is important only at the extremes of poverty and wealth. For the rest of us, the amount of money we earn does not make us any more or less happy.
  2. Happiness can be a shallow concept, but for philosophers and psychologists it approaches contentment, life satisfaction or relief from pain, loneliness or boredom. Sadly, “happiness” is a profound word that has been too-readily associated with empty-headedness.
  3. Meaningful life experiences offer more lasting happiness than the accumulation of possessions.
  4. Happy people want to share happiness; they live with (and express) an attitude of gratitude.
  5. Happiness is associated with emotional styles—temperaments or personality preferences—that include resilience, social intuition, focused attention, positive outlook and self-awareness.
  6. Happiness consists of hard-wired habits more than conscious decision-making.
  7. Happy people savor life experiences.
  8. People with a positive psychological outlook also exhibit wisdom, courage, love, justice and transcendence.

So how happy are you?  How happy am I?  That is a loaded question I believe.  Depends on the day and the situation, right?

So I sat down and made a list of the things that make me happy…. I have a number of things that make me happy.  Many of the things on my list were actually actions or things I can do to help lift my spirits when I feel not quite so good.  So I have been trying to incorporate one or two of these things a day into my daily life and my daughter’s life as well.  I had K make a short list as well.  She came of a few great things too.  I realize that K has a huge heart and love to help people as well.

I realize that you have to make these things on your list a habit…

——Pick 3 things–K and I started a daily evening routine, at about 8pm each day, where we take a moment to tell each other three good things about our day. We didn’t invent this, but it gives us as at least one time in our day when we focus on what we are grateful for. This can create a mental habit of gratitude that you can use other times in your day, when you’re focused on the things you don’t like or have — when you feel this, think about something you do have, that you love. Find a way to be grateful, and you’re happier.

—— Help someone else – When we focus on ourselves, and the woeful state of our lives, we are self-centered. This shrinks the world to one little place with one little unhappy person. But what if we can see the whole picture, and expand our heart to include at least one other person? Maybe even a few others? Then we see that others are suffering too, even if that just means they’re stressed out. Then we can reach out, and do something to reduce their stress, put a smile on their face, make their lives easier. Help at least one person each day, and you’ll find your entire perspective shifted.

——Quiet time or meditate — Meditate for just 2 minutes a day, and you’ll create a habit that will allow you to notice your thoughts throughout the rest of the day, that will help you to be more present (unhappiness comes from not being present), that will help you notice the source of anxiety and distraction. My therapist, Adam, has taught me that you can accomplish a lot in that 2 minutes. Sit every morning when you wake, and just notice your body, and then your breath. Notice when your mind wanders, and gently return to your breath. You become the watcher of your mind, and you’ll learn some useful things, I promise. I also use a little time after these 2-3 minutes to pray and myself centered with God.  I pray and breathe.

—–Exercise—–Everyone knows you should exercise, so I’m not going to go on an on about this point. But it really does make you happier, both in the moment of exercise (I’m exerting myself, I’m alive!) and throughout the rest of the day.  For me…getting there is the biggest battle.  But once I am there…I do feel so much better.  Exercise lightly, if you’re not in the habit yet, and just for a few minutes a day to start out. Who doesn’t have a few minutes a day? If you don’t, you need to loosen up your schedule a bit.

I have worked these into my life this summer…..all of them…but the exercise one has come to an abrupt halt when I had foot surgery.  But I believe that I will get back to exercise when the doctor will let me.  I get stitches out this Friday.  I will see when I get the go ahead to get back in the water for water aerobics.  🙂

Be happy!!

Re-start – again…..

**I found this letter a couple of days ago – happy calorie counting!
______________________________________________________________
Dear Fat,

This is to inform you that your lease is coming to an end and that it is time for you to vacate the premises. We’ve had a long-term arrangement, you and I, even friendly at times, but all good things must come to an end, and it is now time for this working relationship to end.

You have brought neighborhood property values down, and have polluted the neighborhood for the last time! You are no longer wanted here and must leave.

Please pack up your bags and prepare to be evicted.

Sincerely Yours,

Management

_____________________________________________________________________

 

Ok.  time to get real serious again about this.  My stomach is killing me.  I called a bariatric doctor here in the Cities…St. Paul.  I need to get in to see one.  Before all that, I have to get all my records from Dr. LaMasters in De.s Moines where I had surgery done almost 2 years ago.  Wow.  2 years ago…Aug 11, 2011.  I had vertical gastric sleeve surgery.  I have lost a total of 107 pounds.  I have maintained that for the past year.  But, am or have been having some tummy problems for the past 6 months or so.  Some terrible acid reflux even though I take Nexium every day.  I feel like my digestion isn’t quite right.  So I am returning to protein shakes and small portions.  Going to try to see if I can get this controlled.  I will still go to this new doc and see what I can get done.

I totally bombed on my exercise.  I need to get with it.  I what happened my “give a damn busted”.  I have been so concerned with getting K in a good space and getting all that she needs in place, I forgot about me.  But she is doing well now.  Meds are working good.  She is having way less meltdowns and doing quite well actually.  School starts in about 3 1/2 weeks or so.  She is good.

Now to tackle me.  I am currently unemployed.  Which sucks.  Reading Corps was fun and challenging.  I love the kiddos I worked with dearly.  I will miss them.  But management sucked.  I will continue to support the AmeriCorps and MRC programs but not the immediate supervisors here in my town.  That was totally off topic.

Back to weight loss crap.  See how much I don’t like to talk about this now?  I am disgusted with myself once again.  I need to figure out what happened to me.  I lost myself.  I feel fat and flabby and out of control again.  I need the dedication to keep a food journal and be extremely honest.  I need someone to hold me absolutely accountable.  Even if I hate it….that is what I need.  Kick me in ass when I need it, even if I get pissed and they won’t take it personally. I need God to drop me a person to help me with this.  I want to get out of bed and not worry about getting to the YMCA to do water aerobics and work out.  No more excuses.  Kick my ass someone.  PLEASE!!!

Dammit I need to get out of this funk.

Outside My Comfort Zone

comfort-zone

 

I did it!  Totally out of my comfort zone this morning.  Put on some yoga capri’s and t-shirt, grabbed K and headed to the Y.  Left her off with the YKids.  I headed up to the gym.  Totally not prepared to workout because I haven’t been in a “gym” in ages.  I don’t like working out in front of people.  I don’t like people watching me.  I don’t like feeling like people are “judging” me.  These are the things running through my head.

Pop in the headphones….tune out the messages in my mind of bad mouthing myself and the lies I keep feeding myself – the music is loud enough to drown them out.  I listen to praise and worship.  I little country, a little rock, a little 90’s, a little 80’s, etc….a little of everything.    I rode a recumbent bike for about 25 bike for about 25 minutes until the gal I was having a consult with got in.  Then I talked the personal trainer who got me acquainted with every machine up there.  Then after that, I decided to go another 45 minutes on an elliptical machine.  I worked on muscle strengthening.  OH MY!  talk about the “BURN”  I totally felt it today!  but it felt good.

soooo, with that being said.  I am ok.  so far…

have to make some phone calls today.  then get K from YKids at 3:30 -4 pm.  Then want to head back to the Y to do water aerobics at 6 pm.  I sure wish I had a bike here at home.  Going to bring back K’s bike from grammy’s this next weekend.  We are gonna ride the trails here.

determination-wordle1[2]

My Weight Loss – Surgerversary – Aug 11, 2012

This is what I looked like a year ago

                                                                                                                                                          This is me TODAY.  105 pounds lighter.

I don’t think I look much different.  I feel it.  I am wearing smaller clothes.  I have more energy…..but I have not been following the diet and exercise like I should be lately.

I need to get back on track.  I need to change the way I am thinking.

Something’s gotta give….right?

I can’t go back to where I was a year ago.

Not enough?

 

I feel like I am not doing enough…

It is sooo easy to get caught up when things feel like they are dragging and then next thing you know you are not doing very well.

Foodwise I am not doing very well,  I need to do better. I need to cook up other stuff, make things more interesting. I have been so tired that I haven’t really wanted to do much cooking.  It’s been so hot…don’t want to turn the oven on.  Having K back has been an adjustment.  I need to have some kid friendly foods too.  I can’t blame her for my eating habits lately tho.

Speaking of tired, I am pretty sure it had to do with my low levels of Vit D. I haven’t had complete blood work done for about 3 or 4 months now. I get vit B12 shots every month.  Maybe I need a B1???

Physically- I am slacking… I need to start moving my butt…big time. I know I could be doing so much more better if I got in regular exercise. Part of it honestly was the low vit D, because all I wanted to do was sleep.  Having K here is great, she keeps me up and busy…but I am not getting to the YMCA like I want.  The hours are so different here than in Woodbury.  Plus, there is a daycare issue.  I took her with me one morning when I went to do water aerobics….she could say in the shallow end.  Boy was that difficult.  She didn’t want to leave when it was all done.  We had been there about an hour and half.  Stubborn little cuss.

But part of it has just been me being lazy… so I am thinking, at least some yoga, as well as toning, and some more water aerobics.  I really need to get this moving.  I have been stalled out now for about 2 1/2 to 3 months.  My weight hasn’t really fluctuated at all.  But I feel FAT.

Truthfully sometimes I really doubt myself, and I know I need to cut that out. I can get to goal, I can reach a much lower weight (one I have never even seen in my adult life). But sometimes it still feels like a really far off dream. You know how you look around sometimes and see others that have done it, and it’s like, could that really be me? I so badly want this. Some days its easier to visualize it than others though. Today is rougher…but I think days like this are what make or break you, they matter most because you have to just push through them and keep going. Other days…like the week I lost a ton of weight  are a cake walk (minus the cake lol). The hard days are what get you to the good days again.

I suppose that is true for life in general and not just the journey of losing weight.

Spring Break

 

This is K and I at Carver Lake Park today.  We had such fun.  The sun was bright.  Hence my squinty eyes.  LOL   It’s been a challenge since she has been up here.  Testing limits, testing if I really lover her still, wondering if I am sincere to my word, etc.  She has had a couple meltdowns but they haven’t lasted nearly as long as they have in the past.  I know she is struggling with being away from me.  I struggle with being away from her.  But, I told her today, we have 3 weeks together now.  We gotta get this figured out.  And if you are planning on coming back home with me, things need to change.  I think she finally realizes that she does have choices and her choices make a reaction from mom and grandma.  She sees that her negative choices lead to negative consequences.  I think she realizes that when she does what she needs to do and that, she is more apt to get to do the things she really wants to do.  I hope while we have our 3 weeks together that she and I can re-bond and also get some stuff set up so that she and grandma don’t have to butt heads all the time.

Going back to Mayo Clinic tomorrow to get a shot in my knee.  I am not sure what it is called, but I am praying and hoping that it helps longer than regular cortisone.  I will let ya know.

I have been so tired lately.  It’s like my butt is draggin.  I have been moving around more, exercising, walking.  I thought it was supposed to rev up my metabolism…..not make me so darn tired all the time.  I don’t know.  Still going to go to the Y tomorrow.  Need to workout a bit and then swim with K for awhile in the afternoon.  I know it’s all good for me.  Gotta get rid of the “saddlebags” on my hips/thighs.  I also want to improve my strength.  So lift a few weights.  I will keep praying and hoping all this stuff I am doing will pay off for me.  I know that one other thing is that I need to get an eating plan set up.  I need to stick by it and keep doing it.

My other concern lately is my spirituality.  Being or becoming centered.  I can’t quite seem to get to my peaceful self again.  I know I can do it…have done it before many times.  I talked with Adam again this last week.  We talked about what I want to do.  Where I want to be.  I talked to him about that I talked with Northwestern University in St. Paul. (I think that is what it was).  Major in psychology.  But yet, that isn’t exactly what I want to do.  I want to work with people.  I want to be with people.  I want to share what I have learned and what I know.  I know I have the tools and personal experience that may be helpful for others.  I have shared some things with friends going through stuff….I know it works.  Then I think about possibly doing healing touch and/or reiki.  I really want to do massage therapy but with the lupus and arthritis, I don’t think my joints and stuff in my hands could handle that as a job everyday.  I think I will be talking with Adam more about this next week.  I am glad that I have gone back to work with him for therapy.  I think that he can really help me.

Mom and Tiny leave for Texas this Wednesday.  The will be gone until nearly Easter.  I have no clue what I am going to do while down at her house while K is in school.  Take my computer and stuff.  Find some good reads.  Something.  Will have to think on that a bit more this week.

Have a great week.