Man…..it’s been raining most of the day. My joints ache so bad this evening. I did take some pain meds, I hate doing that. But Dr. Kristin would be proud of me since I don’t even take them as prescribed. LOL
I have been doing a lot of thinking today. About being a mom. What it takes to be a mom. What is the difference between a good mom and a bad mom. It’s all relative, right? I have been reading (on and off) writings from this woman, Rachel Macy Stafford. Her website Hands Free Mama, is full of her life as a mom, the good and the bad….tears and celebrations. Some have me in such tears that I can’t even read….I have to stop for a bit just to pull it together again.
Today I happened to be reading, Making your Loudest Voice Calmer & Your Truest Voice Stronger. Before I had even thought about reading today, I had been thinking about last night’s meltdown. I had yelled at K. I don’t usually yell at her. But I did, it even caught me off guard. It dawned on me today that I had scared her. That hurt my heart terribly and the tears rolled. Back to the blog by Rachel. When I read these words:
At my loudest, I was heard the least.
At my loudest, I felt the most pain.
At my loudest, I caused the most hurt.
At my loudest, my voice was most voiceless.
I felt like she had gone into my heart and mind and grabbed the words right out of me. My voice has not been there for quite some time. Before I asked Robert to leave, he told me I talk too much, I feel too much, I share too much. So, began my time of sinking into myself and watcing and limiting what I say and to whom I spoke to. I began to get angry at him. At myself for having feelings or emotions at all. So when I yelled last night at K, I was stunned at myself. K was scared of me. She curled herself into the corner of her bed and just looked at me crying and shaking.
I don’t want to cry anymore. I cry too much. Lately I cry all the time. K sees me cry. She tells me to stop crying. The other day, she said I don’t even try anymore. I went to my bedroom and yup, I cried. I lay in bed and cry until I finally fall asleep. I called my psych doc today, talked to his nurse and told her I think I need to get off some of my meds. All they do is make me tired. All I want to do is sleep. And as Robert says….I talk too much. I went on and on. My anxiety is so high right now. Between K’s behavior and language and school stuff, the rummage sale next week (that I am not ready for), getting ready to move by June 1, and still not knowing where I am going to live…..I can’t breathe. I feel like I am drowning. I know I am trying my best but I just can’t breathe. There is a huge pile of stuff in my living room where some stuff is marked and boxed and ready to go to my garage. My bedroom is a disaster….I have yet to go through some stuff. K’s room is like a tornado went through it. Everywhere I look…..I can’t breathe…..I need out. I want to get out and just drive away….get as far away as I can.
That is what it feels like these days. War, battle, conflict, struggle…..fear. I don’t know what is next. I know tomorrow, somedays. But anxiety, fear.