Life and Everyday

Rainy days and Thursdays

Man…..it’s been raining most of the day.  My joints ache so bad this evening.  I did take some pain meds, I hate doing that.  But Dr. Kristin would be proud of me since I don’t even take them as prescribed.  LOL

I have been doing a lot of thinking today.  About being a mom.  What it takes to be a mom.  What is the difference between a good mom and a bad mom.  It’s all relative, right?   I have been reading (on and off) writings from this woman, Rachel Macy Stafford.  Her website Hands Free Mama, is full of her life as a mom, the good and the bad….tears and celebrations.  Some have me in such tears that I can’t even read….I have to stop for a bit just to pull it together again.

Today I happened to be reading, Making your Loudest Voice Calmer & Your Truest Voice Stronger.  Before I had even thought about reading today, I had been thinking about last night’s meltdown.  I had yelled at K.  I don’t usually yell at her.  But I did, it even caught me off guard.  It dawned on me today that I had scared her.  That hurt my heart terribly and the tears rolled.  Back to the blog by Rachel.  When I read these words:

At my loudest, I was heard the least.

At my loudest, I felt the most pain.

At my loudest, I caused the most hurt.

At my loudest, my voice was most voiceless.

I felt like she had gone into my heart and mind and grabbed the words right out of me.  My voice has not been there for quite some time.  Before I asked Robert to leave, he told me I talk too much, I feel too much, I share too much.  So, began my time of sinking into myself and watcing and limiting what I say and to whom I spoke to. I began to get angry at him.  At myself for having feelings or emotions at all.  So when I yelled last night at K, I was stunned at myself.  K was scared of me.  She curled herself into the corner of her bed and just looked at me crying and shaking.

I don’t want to cry anymore.  I cry too much.  Lately I cry all the time.  K sees me cry.  She tells me to stop crying.  The other day, she said I don’t even try anymore.  I went to my bedroom and yup, I cried.  I lay in bed and cry until I finally fall asleep.   I called my psych doc today, talked to his nurse and told her I think I need to get off some of my meds.  All they do is make me tired.  All I want to do is sleep.  And as Robert says….I talk too much.  I went on and on.  My anxiety is so high right now.  Between K’s behavior and language and school stuff, the rummage sale next week (that I am not ready for), getting ready to move by June 1, and still not knowing where I am going to live…..I can’t breathe.  I feel like I am drowning.  I know I am trying my best but I just can’t breathe.  There is a huge pile of stuff in my living room where some stuff is marked and boxed and ready to go to my garage.  My bedroom is a disaster….I have yet to go through some stuff.  K’s room is like a tornado went through it.  Everywhere I look…..I can’t breathe…..I need out.  I want to get out and just drive away….get as far away as I can.

war in my mind

 

 

 

 

That is what it feels like these days.  War, battle, conflict, struggle…..fear.  I don’t know what is next.  I know tomorrow, somedays.  But anxiety, fear.

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Life and Everyday

Biggest fear

I have been so slacking.  Missing a few days of posting.  So here’s today:

January 9
1984
You’re locked in a room with your greatest fear. Describe
what’s in the room.

My greatest fear is being bombarded by people hurling insults and berating me.  In the room is a chair in the middle and I am sitting on it.  The room is dimly lit.  There are people standing in all corners of the room, yelling insults or telling me how horrible I am or what a bad job I am doing.  I fear falling apart and not being able to pull myself all back together again.  I fear letting people down and especially letting my daughter down.

Life and Everyday

I hear her

As I close my fogged over eyes,

i hear her hear breathe.

like so many times before.

i hear the rustle of the blanket she holds close to her.

it’s soft and pink, the one she got for her last birthday.

i remember days long ago just listening to her breathe.  how that sound just make my heart melt.

the softness of each breath, in and out….

i wonder what she dreams about?  I still wonder what she dreams about?

Do she dream about about the angry things we said to each other the night before?

does she dream about or remember that i love her, every night that I tell her that I really do?

Does she remember the little stupid things I say in the heat of the moment of my despair and anger that slip past my tongue before I realize i have said them?

oh my heart hurts in anger for what i have done.

I believe that i have damaged her so much.

People have told me that I haven’t.  before she was sent to grandmas when she was 5…K and i was as close as a mom and kid could get.  i didn’t just disappear out of her world, i could come and see her whenever I wanted to.  whenever i   needed t.  And i i did.

It wasn’t the same.

but now, i listen.  in the early morning here.  i listen to her breathe.  she is 10 years old.  she struggles every day dealing with me.  a volatile mom.  a sad mom.  a kid herself trying to understand why her ADD and RAD makes her act and react the way she does.  I can’t bear the thought to losing her again.  ever.  I can’t bear the thought of being separated from her again.  it breaks my heart to think that.  I know I need help.  I know I need something.  I am afraid to ask because, I  don’t want them to take her from me.  i love her that much and more.

to the moon and back….around the sun and the moon and the stars….forever and ever…to infinity and beyond.  I love you Stinky Face.

Life and Everyday

Family in Crisis

Family

A twinge of pain in my gut

Back in the familiar surroundings once again

Same people but a different circumstance

Fighting, angry voices, cursing, pointing fingers, blame

This time, not me

I listen

I watch

I observe

Again the pain is so very real

Reliving in my heart, my brain

Cutting like a knife, the words slice my every vein

But it’s not me

It’s them

When does family drama end?

When do they stop fighting?

Miles don’t take the pain away

It still stirs in my mind and my soul

I can’t make it leave

I can’t get far enough away

Life and Everyday

My plate is full

I feel like this past week I have been going non stop.  VBS all week, every morning.  Add a few major storms in there.  Weather has been weird.  Add a lot of pain from fibro and arthritis and lupus.  Doctor appointments, therapy, PT, K stuff and entertaining.  I am so trying to figure out a schedule for us.  This was NOT the week to do it.

With that said, we head back to Iowa tomorrow.  K can not eat or drink anything past midnight.  She needs to be at the hospital by 7:30am Monday morning.  Surgery is at 8:30am.  She is finally getting her tonsils out.  They are also going to get that hardened wax and crud out of her ears.  So she is going to be a sore and hurting little girl after this is all done.  A few weeks of recovery.  What makes this difficult is that I need to be back up here in MN Tuesday morning by 10 am.  My last week of classes is this next week.  I have to finish up a couple papers.  One needs to be turned in by tomorrow evening.  I will be working on that tomorrow before we leave and have it posted in by that time.  I have done my DQ and responses.  So that is good to go.

There is much unpacking and putting away to do also.  Little by little it’s getting done but I don’t feel like it’s good enough yet.  I need to do more.  I hate it when I say it, feel it.  I know it doesn’t have to be perfect.  in my head i know this.  But trying to get my heart to understand is another story.

Add my eating and weight loss too.  I have totally fallen off the wagon on this.  I haven’t gained or lost.  But I know what I am doing is not good for.  I am getting back into old patterns.  I need to refocus.  I need to get to the new doctor and clinic that will follow up and help me.  The U of M just isn’t cutting it for me.  They offer no support…just a 3 month visit.  I need more.

I feel so selfish writing about all these NEEDS.  I know take it to God.  I know He can cover me with this.  I keep taking them back once I give them over.  It’s so hard to just let HIM handle my worry and anxiety.  LifeChurch message this week is the last in the series on Seeing from a different Perspective.  New Perspective on Worry.  I so needed to hear that message tonight.  Gotta listen to it again and let it sink in.

Trying to be mindful.  Trying to bring back in skills I have learned.  Trying and trying and trying………

So much self doubt.  Anxiety  Worry Fear

FEAR!!!!

another topic for writing next time.

Pray for peace in my heart.  Peace in my life.  Peace for K and my mom.

Life and Everyday

I hate food!

 

 

Food.  Something you need pretty much everyday to survive.  Pretty much.  I have a love/hate relationship with food.  For years and years and most of my life I have struggled with food.  I love to eat it.  Most of it tastes pretty decent.  But I hate it.

When  I was growing up on the farm, I used to hear a lot, “clean your plate”.  So usually did.  I started getting fat when I was probably around 9-10 years old.  I don’t know why or what happened but my little body turned into a big body.  Probably biology and just plain growing up.  Kids teased me.  My brother and sister teased me.  Relentlessly.  I started to hate food so much that I used it to comfort me.  I ate more.  Doesn’t make a lot of sense does it?

In high school, I was a big girl.  Considered bigger anyways.  I think when I graduated I was roughly 189 pounds.  Today that doesn’t sound too bad to me.  I’d like to get there again.  Who knows.  Anyways, the mental torture of weight followed me.  I became bulimic in my senior year and well into my first couple years of college.  I’d gain weight.  I’d lose weight.  Back and forth.  I hated food.  I didn’t like much of anything about myself at that time and space.

Flash forward to today.  I realize I still have that love hate relationship with food.  Only I am not bulimic anymore.  Haven’t been for 20 some years.   But….after having VSG surgery, I am still hating food.  I hate having to make constant decisions about do I eat what is good for me  or not.  Having a smaller stomach isn’t making this easy.  I knew it wouldn’t make my self image any better either.  I knew and know that this surgery is very hard work.  Exercise is still hard work.  But I know what I have to do.  This life changing decision I made 6 months ago has been the best thing, yet it has brought back that insecurity of am I good enough?

I know I am.  I know people love me.  My daughter and my mom love me.  I have some pretty awesome friends.  I have a God that loves me.  But is that enough?  I like myself, but I am not totally bought into loving me yet.  Weird huh?  I still see people and talk to people with the mentality that weight is an either or situation.  Let me show you:

I hate comparisons.  In my head this is what I see.  I compare myself to the “skinny” ones.  I know it’s now how I “should” be.  But I grew up with this stupid idea.  How in the world do I get it out of my head?  I keep trying to remind myself that I am ok no matter how I look. I am a good person no matter how fat or thin I am.   But ya know what?  Still not sure I am buying that.  God, I so need to change my thinking.  I don’t want my daughter growing up feeling like this.  This constant comparing.  K is beautiful as any 8 year old girl.

I am working on it.  I told my therapist that I hate food the other day.  I hate eating.

But I am on this path now.  I chose to get on the road to healthy.  Not only for myself but for K.  I have to do this…..I NEED to do this.  Living with the constant pain in my joints and muscles is not what I had in mind at 40.  Since losing weight, it’s gotten some better but I know it can get “more better”.  Right?

I am going to keep telling myself that I am ok.  That life is good no matter what is going on around me or to me.  I am going to keep trying to make good decisions about eating and exercising.  I am going to keep being positive.  Because I KNOW it’s going to sink in.  I KNOW that God will change my heart.  I know that this is hard work and I am not about quitting anymore.  I am living and loving and being there for my family and friends.   I am in control of my life.  And so are you!

Life and Everyday

Fears and such

 

This past week I have been struggling with a fear of eating.  I think most of it revolves around control.  I know the things I need to do, but the fear of gaining what I have already lost is very scary to me.  Before I left Iowa, I had a handle on knowing my numbers, my blood levels and felt generally pretty well.  Since coming to MN, I feel outta control.  I don’t have a grasp on my numbers yet.  I know I have lost some since being here.  But as far as blood levels and such….not so much.

When I was reading on some web page earlier I came across this statement, “Fear of food happens when your new life is confronted with those old friends from your old life. For me, it’s that juicy half pound cheeseburger, the Panera Cinnamon Crunch Bagel, bag of Hershey Kisses, and anything on the Bucca di Beppo menu. You most likely have your own trigger foods. We fear them because after our year of dietary education we know that they were instrumental in leading down the road to obesity.”  I can’t recall the exact place to give proper credit for that.  But that pretty much sums it up.  This is like old life here back in MN.  When I was here before I was pretty much out of control, not only with eating but with life in general.  This was way before K was born.  Life was pretty chaotic.  My mental health took a bit of dive this week as well.  Intense feelings of guilt and shame in regards to being an absent mom.  K has been getting in trouble again at school.  It’s not dire or extremely horrible, but she has become manipulative in a sense.  I know this is an issue that I can not do anything about right now.  I am not there nor can I do anything to change what is going on.

My job right now is to take care of me.  I need to figure out where I need to go….what my next steps are.  Finding a job….no, didn’t get the job that I applied for this week.  Kinda really bummed me out.  But I will keep looking and trying to figure out where to land.  Haven’t really been looking for an apartment as having a job and money to pay for it seems more important at the moment.  Robin is kind enough to let me live here.

Tomorrow I am going to try to organize a game plan of sorts.  Get my bills organized and ready to get paid out.  Gotta get caught up.  I also need to figure out my game plan for my mental health and stability.  I need to really work on my spirituality and not being so complacent at where I am at.  I know that lately, I just am not focused on anything.  Anything that important anyways.  Get my to-do lists of Monday started.  Figuring out MN care, etc.

On a different note, haven’t heard from Karen today.  I hope she made it home from the hospital.  I hope she isn’t having much for complications and pain.  I know the first week is a bitch after surgery.  Certainly been there.  I think I will try to call her in the late morning, early afternoon.  I hope she is doing well.

 

I need to work on my negativity lately.  Yes, they need to shut up and just let me

live and do what I need to do.  The hardest for me right now is self-blame and shame.

Game plan.  What’s next?

Adam told me something today….I have heard it before:  Feelings aren’t facts…reality

is what is happening here and now.  Feelings aren’t always true.  That kinda stung for

a bit of time.  What exactly is reality then?  Searching for my reality and my inner

peace is a journey along with this weight loss and putting my family back together.

I need to remember to be gentle with myself.  I need to remember that God made me.  He has the ultimate plan.

Isaiah 61:1 (NIRV)  1 The Spirit of the Lord and King is on me.
The Lord has anointed me
to tell the good news to poor people.
He has sent me to comfort
those whose hearts have been broken.
He has sent me to announce freedom
for those who have been captured.
He wants me to set prisoners free
from their dark prisons.

James 5:16 (NIRV)

16 So admit to one another that you have sinned. Pray for one another so that you might be healed. The prayer of a godly person is powerful. It makes things happen

Psalm 55:22 (NIRV)

22 Turn your worries over to the Lord.
He will keep you going.
He will never let godly people fall

 

I know God is there for me.  I keep wandering away.  I keep coming back.  He keeps letting me come back.  His love is unconditional.  Always will be.  I so need to just let go and let HIM take all these worries and shame and disappointments.  I give them to Him, but continually take them back, like I can do something better with them.  (Not so much)  LOL  I know God loves me anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I will keep on keepin on!…..PROMISE!!