Life and Everyday

Too Sensitive?

Plenty of terrible, shitty things have happened in my life. Those things, are pretty much second to the good and incredible things.  But somehow they seem to hold more significance than the positive.  R told me this, last night.  I am not so sure I see most things in a negative light.  Undoubtedly though, something happens and I find myself crawling out of that tiny, tight, dark space, gasping for air and stretching myself in search for some light. I repeatedly question my capacity to endure. Even though I’ve survived a million different things, I look at myself and feel so defenseless. Sending myself those messages, “You can’t handle anything. The smallest bit of wounded feelings could send you teetering over the edge at any moment. So just go ahead and sit with that. Wait for the other shoe to drop with your muscles impeded and tight and your brain spinning a million miles per hour and that’s what you get for being weak and defenseless.” The one problem for me, though, is that I don’t even understand why I do this to myself. I don’t even know what “weakness” I’m referring to. R also has told me that I am too sensitive.  Is it because I get dark when I feel some uncomfortable feeling or something? Is it because, in times of sorrow or grief or mourning, I find it incredibly difficult to scrape myself off of the ground and face the day? Is it because there are times when I feel this way, even when my life looks well assembled and pleasing from the outside? Is it times when I am so overwhelmed that I am paralyzed to even move or make a decision?  Is it because I get teary at things that touch my heart so much that the tears just begin to fall?

I know a lot of my anxiety comes from expectations. Expectations for myself, for the world around me, for the people in my life, for my career path, for my romantic life, etc etc etc. I could go on for days listing the expectations I’ve devised.  I am basically setting myself up for failure from the start. I realized this in a few of my friendships. I feel like I give and give and give to people.  I know in my heart that I am not wanting anything in return but my head says that they should be returning the favor.  Should there be some standard I hold myself to, strictly to challenge myself into failing, so I could prove my point, that I’m not capable or good enough? That I’m not too old or energetic enough or strong enough or smart enough? Why do I do this to myself?

lower expectations

Second, there’s too much anxiety that comes as a result of being a highly sensitive person. I don’t love buying into the cliché with self-descriptions, but this is a real thing. My energy is sacred and limited. I’ve come to discover many things that drain my energy: being in loud, crowded spaces without a hole to collect myself in. Spending too much time with extremely extroverted people, who I can’t keep up with. Trying to solve so many of my daughters issues and conflicts.  My therapist suggested that I’m also probably losing a great deal of physical energy as a result of the above mentioned expectations. His perfect imagery of a runner, muscles clenched, crouched at the starting line, preparing for the gun to go off, really got through to me. For weeks, before any anticipated events in my life (even seeing my own family) I tighten up and begin to cycle through the conversations and scenarios and thoughts and expectations and potential outcomes and the million of feelings I could experience. This happens more so with anything that has to do with K.  I try to plan ahead to put out fires before they happen.  To figure out what her next meltdown is going to be like.  It really is like being a runner, waiting at the starting line all day, every day, for a race that doesn’t start until next month. It’s no surprise why I’m exhausted (actually, it was quite a surprise. Being the self-obsessed person I am, he had a very valid explanation for my fatigue.)

highly sensitive

I consider myself extremely fortunate to have had such incredible access to mental health services for such a long time. Now my 2nd super kick-ass therapist, I realize just how much these resources can do to help a person heal. There’s so much to be said about both of my therapists(Ang in Iowa and Adam here) and the experiences I’ve had. The way I’ve opened and challenged myself, has never easy.   I think there is a lot within my story that can be of use to other people, especially those in similar places in their lives. I vow to always be candid and straightforward as I continue to share my relationship with mental health, therapy, and struggle with life and in my relationships with others. 

Advertisements
Life and Everyday

Another thing to think about

In a previous post, I reposted about you are not your mind.  Well here is number 2.

2. Life unfolds only in moments.

Of course! I once called this the most important thing I ever learned. Nobody has ever experienced anything that wasn’t part of a single moment unfolding. That means life’s only challenge is dealing with the single moment you are having right now. Before I recognized this, I was constantly trying to solve my entire life — battling problems that weren’t actually happening. Anyone can summon the resolve to deal with a single, present moment, as long as they are truly aware that it’s their only point of contact with life, and therefore there is nothing else one can do that can possibly be useful. Nobody can deal with the past or future, because, both only exist as thoughts, in the present. But we can kill ourselves trying.

 

Today I am living in the moment.  Heading to Iowa for a family reunion (not excited) and then to my 25th high school reunion.   I have not been to a single high school reunion since leaving high school.  I am not sure why I agreed to go now.  I need to talk myself into not feeling self conscious about what I look like (an old high school thought) and what people think of me (another old high school thought).  I don’t really have an explanation for what I have done with the last 25 years of my life other than live it.  I don’t have my dream job nor perfect house and family.  It’s just me  and K.  We live.  We laugh.  We love.  We mess up.  We clean up.  We live.  That’s it.  That will have to do.

So for now….have a great weekend.  See you when I get back.  Maybe I will have some pics.???

Life and Everyday

It’s Lent…..really?

285776_606152656078449_1215249542_n

 

I feel messed up.  I used to love Lent.  I used to have a church that I loved so much as well.  But I don’t have one that I enjoy going to anymore.  Haven’t found one that makes me feel welcome up here in the cities.  I might try another out soon.  It’s called Crossroads.  They have one in Woodbury and one in Eagan.  They will opening a new one in Cottage Grove this fall.  I just don’t know.  Church has been just one of those things…..so personal yet lately I feel so set apart from it all.

My life is so outta whack.  It’s been turned upside down and out of sorts.  Katey’s new diagnosis   My lupus and fibro and arthritis crap happening all the time.  Constant pain.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  I feel like God isn’t around much anymore.  I mean I know He is….but yet I am not sure where.

I need to find some peace again.  some contentment again.  I know….I had found it before.  I have felt it before…..gotta find it once again.

Life and Everyday

don't give up on em

 

pretty much how it is right now…

so alone.  single parenting sucks.

i fell tonight.  scared the crap out of my daughter…scared myself.  i think i hurt something in my hip and or low back/spine.  can’t go in because again…single mom.  and the weather is getting back.   will live with the pain until i have time to finally deal with it.

finally am getting time to get my broken tooth taken care of too.  a lovely valentines present for me….8:30 am…gotta love that for a valentines present.  they gotta figure out what to do with my tooth and my partial.

I feel so out of sorts.  My brain is like scrambled eggs.  I can’t think very good.  I can’t remember very much. or very good.  I don’t know what the heck is wrong with me.  I just don’t know.

Life and Everyday

once again…..

Once again I find myself confused by human behavior.  It seems to me that the great number of people want to believe their problems are completely unique.  While this is partially true in the sense that no 2 situations are exactly a like the underlying problems are.  Yet most are offended if you try to help because you’ve been there. been-there-done-that-620x465 Why are people so scared of the truth?  So scared to open up?  So scared to be themselves?  It’s like to admit others know what it’s like is looking in the mirror and hating what you look like when it should be the opposite.  Which brings me to my next problem with human behavior.  Why do people shy away from people trying to help intellectually and emotionally and instead turn to the superficial for support.  I always hear about someone having bad luck in relationships or always being hurt and it’s because of this.  Because people avoid emotional and intellectual connections so when it get to that point in a relationship where you can’t avoid it you see that void and get hurt.  I go right after the emotional and intellectual and everyone runs away.  When I am honest and speak my truth, people turn around and walk away from me.   My philosophy of not running and hiding from problems and being honest has made everyone I have ever known run from me except maybe two people.

After writing that I realize I run and hide from most problems.  The more I open myself up for human interaction the more confused and frustrated I become.  Who has the answers?  Do I have to change who I am to be a part of society?  I’m just a lady looking through the window to the rest of the world, unable to step through that window and join.  I think I want to but these people are different than me.  A different breed I can’t seem to exist with.  How do you get answers to questions no one is willing to listen to you?  I’m so scared of my destiny because I don’t see an end game.  I don’t see a tomorrow when I close my eyes.  There are so many people who have no clue who I am.  I thought I was doing better.  I am not.