Day 22 Thanks

calpoly.uloop.com

calpoly.uloop.com

Today I am thankful for lazy days.  I was able to get some things done that I haven’t been able to get done in a little while since K has been sick.  I also was able to get some cooking done for tomorrow’s Christmas party for the Olson’s get together.  Not a lot of goodies but a few things that I will be taking.  Got the soup going.  I need to remember to pick up bowls tomorrow.  Remember to write a HUGE STICKY NOTE for me to remember to pick them up before I leave town tomorrow.  It’s gonna be “180 below” zero tomorrow, yes, I am exaggerating.  It’s gonna be the coldest day yet this season.  And it happens to be on the day we are driving to Iowa.  Go figure.  Just our luck.  I have my cake in the fridge.  I am debating whether to poke the holes in it tonight and put the sweetened condensed milk on it or wait til morning.  I think I will wait til morning. I don’t want it to get all soggy and gross.  So yeah.  Might poke the holes tonight tho.  Just for the fun of it.  LOL  The cheeseball is done and in the fridge.  The crackers are in the bag along with the noodles for the soup that need to be put in when I get to Carpenter tomorrow.  I hope the soup doesn’t spill on the way there.  I have this funky new stretchy cord thing for my crock pot lid that is supposed to hold the lid on tight.  i hope it works.  we’ll see.  i will bring some towels along with and lay them on the floor of the car just in case.  never trust soup.  LOL

I wrapped a few gifts today as well.  not too many, just a few.  The tree is up from being bored while K was sick this past week.  My cards are mostly done, addressed and ready.  But no stamps cuz I have no money to buy the stamps as of yet.  Still waiting for my travel check to get here.  It’ll probably come tomorrow when I am not here.  Go figure.  I think I have most everything ready for our trip south to Iowa tomorrow.  Bingo gifts ready and bagged.  Dry food stuff bagged.  I just need to jump in the shower in the morning, eat breakfast.  Get the soup ready to go in the car.  Warm up the car.  Get the cake done and chilled.  Cheese ball in the bag.  K up and going.  Her DS ready to go.  The kindle is off limits for the weekend.

Time for this tired momma to hit the hay.  Thankful for lazy days indeed.

weight loss progress

 

Here are my progress pictures.  The first is before surgery at 332 pounds.    The second was in Jan with a 50 pound weight loss (I think) and then today is the last picture with a total of 90 pounds gone FOR GOOD!!!

I think I would have had more weight loss and looked a bit more toned if my knee hadn’t given me such a problems for the past 3 and half months.  This last shot I got when I went to Mayo Clinic has been amazing.  I am virtually pain free in my left knee.  I think I may ask the doc if they can do that shot in my right knee as well.

I have been thinking about my food program and how I need to adapt a little better when I am with K.  I know she needs to eat more healthy so I have to become more creative in getting her to eat better.  She loves junk food.  Being here at my mom’s, I see how much “junk” my mom has in the house.  Sugar cereals, chips, candy, etc.  I don’t have much of that at my place at all.  If K wanted a snack, it was fruit or yogurt or peanut butter toast or something like that.  Here, she goes for what she knows.  I try hard to limit it, but not always successful.

I got a few new shirts on clearance sale yesterday.  I actually was able to by a regular XL in the ladies section and it fits!  sooooo happy!!!  I am still amazed that I fit in a size 20 pants right now.  They fit alright but it won’t be long until they get loose.  I can feel that already.

I am at mom’s all this week and next.  Possibly until after Easter. K goes to Iowa City on that Tues after Easter.  Might as well stay until that is over.  Mom and Tiny will be leaving Texas on Thursday next week.  I am sure they will have stories to tell.

I have been washing clothes today.  The last load is in the washer.  Strange to wash clothes for more people than just me.  LOL  Jesse is here….which is nice.  He works most of the day at my brother in law’s.  He is a good kid.  Works hard.  His dirty clothes prove it.  They could probably walk on their own!  LOL

I will be going back up to St. Paul tomorrow for a couple appointments.  K has dance after school, so will be going to her daycare and they will take her.  I will be back to pick her up at 5pm.  It’s all good.

Another Monday

 

My weight loss is still going well.  It’s slowed a bit, but I can deal.  I really need to get out and walk more.  I have my ipod all ready…just need to do it.  The weather here in MN is crazy again.  It’s kinda warm, but we are in a winter storm warning until 6am tomorrow morning.  3 inches of snow possible.  weird weird weather.

Still weighing in on Fridays tho, I missed this past Friday because I went to “home” and had lunch with K at school.  She was surprised to see me.  I love surprising her.  We had an awesome weekend.  A few serious talks about what’s going on in school and what she NEEDS to be doing.  I hope she will just kick it in gear and do what she needs to.  I hate hearing that she is struggling so much.

I made bean and ham soup tonight.  It was really good.  Got my protein in today.  I haven’t been eating very well at all lately tho.  Still have this aversion to food.  I don’t wanna gain any weight back.  I need to get my head back in check.  My body is gonna fall apart if I don’t eat what I need to.  Last week got a B12 and B1 shot.  Also started taking a B Complex vitamin.  talk about YUCK.  thing smells awful and tastes just as bad.  Still taking Vit D every week.  I don’t have to have another iron infusion until April.  My TSH level is low but ok.  They are going to leave my dose at what it is for now.   My white blood cells are fighting each other again.  The doc thinks Lupus may have returned.  It was or has been in some remission for a few years.  My ANA levels have been coming back negative.  But this last one came back positive again.  He seems to think something is going on in my blood.  So I will have more blood work done this week.  Kinda freaks me out.  But I am trying to just not think too much about it.

Still job hunting too.  Have applied all over it seems but haven’t heard a thing yet.  I will do some follow up tomorrow on them.  I wish one would just fall into my lap.  Keep dreamin.  LOL

I need to find a good lawyer this week too.  I need to get the ball rolling in that department as well.  I hope I can find someone who isn’t too expensive or maybe someone at legal aid.  I don’t know.  Wish I had some connections in that department.  ugh.

Fears and such

 

This past week I have been struggling with a fear of eating.  I think most of it revolves around control.  I know the things I need to do, but the fear of gaining what I have already lost is very scary to me.  Before I left Iowa, I had a handle on knowing my numbers, my blood levels and felt generally pretty well.  Since coming to MN, I feel outta control.  I don’t have a grasp on my numbers yet.  I know I have lost some since being here.  But as far as blood levels and such….not so much.

When I was reading on some web page earlier I came across this statement, “Fear of food happens when your new life is confronted with those old friends from your old life. For me, it’s that juicy half pound cheeseburger, the Panera Cinnamon Crunch Bagel, bag of Hershey Kisses, and anything on the Bucca di Beppo menu. You most likely have your own trigger foods. We fear them because after our year of dietary education we know that they were instrumental in leading down the road to obesity.”  I can’t recall the exact place to give proper credit for that.  But that pretty much sums it up.  This is like old life here back in MN.  When I was here before I was pretty much out of control, not only with eating but with life in general.  This was way before K was born.  Life was pretty chaotic.  My mental health took a bit of dive this week as well.  Intense feelings of guilt and shame in regards to being an absent mom.  K has been getting in trouble again at school.  It’s not dire or extremely horrible, but she has become manipulative in a sense.  I know this is an issue that I can not do anything about right now.  I am not there nor can I do anything to change what is going on.

My job right now is to take care of me.  I need to figure out where I need to go….what my next steps are.  Finding a job….no, didn’t get the job that I applied for this week.  Kinda really bummed me out.  But I will keep looking and trying to figure out where to land.  Haven’t really been looking for an apartment as having a job and money to pay for it seems more important at the moment.  Robin is kind enough to let me live here.

Tomorrow I am going to try to organize a game plan of sorts.  Get my bills organized and ready to get paid out.  Gotta get caught up.  I also need to figure out my game plan for my mental health and stability.  I need to really work on my spirituality and not being so complacent at where I am at.  I know that lately, I just am not focused on anything.  Anything that important anyways.  Get my to-do lists of Monday started.  Figuring out MN care, etc.

On a different note, haven’t heard from Karen today.  I hope she made it home from the hospital.  I hope she isn’t having much for complications and pain.  I know the first week is a bitch after surgery.  Certainly been there.  I think I will try to call her in the late morning, early afternoon.  I hope she is doing well.

 

I need to work on my negativity lately.  Yes, they need to shut up and just let me

live and do what I need to do.  The hardest for me right now is self-blame and shame.

Game plan.  What’s next?

Adam told me something today….I have heard it before:  Feelings aren’t facts…reality

is what is happening here and now.  Feelings aren’t always true.  That kinda stung for

a bit of time.  What exactly is reality then?  Searching for my reality and my inner

peace is a journey along with this weight loss and putting my family back together.

I need to remember to be gentle with myself.  I need to remember that God made me.  He has the ultimate plan.

Isaiah 61:1 (NIRV)  1 The Spirit of the Lord and King is on me.
The Lord has anointed me
to tell the good news to poor people.
He has sent me to comfort
those whose hearts have been broken.
He has sent me to announce freedom
for those who have been captured.
He wants me to set prisoners free
from their dark prisons.

James 5:16 (NIRV)

16 So admit to one another that you have sinned. Pray for one another so that you might be healed. The prayer of a godly person is powerful. It makes things happen

Psalm 55:22 (NIRV)

22 Turn your worries over to the Lord.
He will keep you going.
He will never let godly people fall

 

I know God is there for me.  I keep wandering away.  I keep coming back.  He keeps letting me come back.  His love is unconditional.  Always will be.  I so need to just let go and let HIM take all these worries and shame and disappointments.  I give them to Him, but continually take them back, like I can do something better with them.  (Not so much)  LOL  I know God loves me anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I will keep on keepin on!…..PROMISE!!

Day 23

Day 23: Ham or Turkey?

both?  I really like them both.  But I prefer ham on Christmas.  Since turkey is the big thing for Thanksgiving.  But most the time in family gatherings, we have a little bit of everything.  It’s a potluck…the old Lutheran style.   A little bit of this and a little bit of that.

I usually make the cheeseball and cheesy hashbrown potatoes.  Those are my standbys.  LOL

Post op visit

WOW!!  9 pounds in 9 days.  How amazing is that?  Dr. LaMasters said that she thinks that I am doing pretty well.  The incisions are healing just fine too.  Dr. Brady told me I was on track.  We went over some weight loss goals.  My first goal is to get under 300.  Which I am almost there.  My weight yesterday was 313.  When I weighed before surgery I was at 322.  After I meet the 299 goal….I want to reach for 270.  I have looked at the dates yet to see what the target date is.  I will be working on that later today.

Eating is so different now.  Mostly getting protein from shakes and drinks.  I can start eating things like chicken salad, tuna salad, egg salad.  It’s getting better.  Just have to eat the soft/liquidy foods.  I can start eating scrambled eggs and mashed potatoes.  This morning I am drinking my shake and enjoying some oatmeal with some fresh peach puree in it.  Doesn’t taste half bad.  I can’t take my meds all at once either.  One at a time.  Good thing they discontinued some of my meds now.  I made an appointment to see Dr. Goetsch here in town to get some blood work done.  Gotta keep up on the iron, potassium, VitD, and uric acid levels.  They were the ones giving me such trouble before.

I put on a pair of capris that were a little tight before.  They fit great now.  Amazing feeling being able to get into something that was tight before and now is very comfortable.

This journey is off to a running start now.  It’s very exciting and very fun.  I will be starting Zumba water aerobics after Labor Day.  I am excited about that also.  Last semester about half way through they cancelled the class cuz people didn’t come.  So I am really hoping people stick this out.

Second day of classes today.  I have 3 of them:  The Holocaust, Fundraising and Budget/Grant Writing, and Non-Profit Youth agencies.  Start at 11 and will be home sometime around 6pm.

Life is good.  God is good all the time.   And all the time God is good.