Day 27 Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!  I will be leaving in the morning so I will say my happys tonight.  I am so thankful for my online family and friends this thanksgiving too.  My family of origin knows how thankful I am for them, I constantly tell them that.  But I am not sure how much my online family and friends know.  I am very thankful for all of you who read my blog and who hang out with me on facebook and such.  Y’all make coming online more fun and more exciting.  Knowing that someone out there cares about me and my Kbug and what’s going on in my life is amazing.  I am truly interested in your lives as well.  I love hearing stories and tales of happenings in your lives as well.  I love hearing about your families, trips, boyfriends, girlfriends, mishaps, love stories, fights, anything that is going on.  That makes life so much more fun and interesting.  I am so thankful that God put you into my life.  May our paths cross more throughout the course of this lifetime. ♥♥♥

Day 24 Thanks for special people

Today I am extremely thankful some special people from

theeconomiccollapseblog.com

theeconomiccollapseblog.com

the church that I go to.  They gave my daughter and I a basket with some food in it.  It was a very pleasant surprise.  Not that I needed any food but because I am new to this church it was a way of welcoming us to their church at this time of celebration of the holidays.  Very sweet of them.

There are so many special people in my life.  Not just at church but so many outside of this church.  Many associated with another church that I have attended or worked with too.  They are so supportive even though I am not volunteering there anymore.  I love them all so very much.  Couldn’t ask for better friends.  God has blessed me very much.

Day 16 Thankful

Sweet16BeverageNapkin1Today I am thankful for my friends.  They are and have been supportive through all sorts of stuff lately.  I have been though a gamut of emotions the past few days and they stick by me.  Sometimes I wonder how they put up with me.  But they do.  They love me through it.

I guess that is what gets me through it.  I am thankful I have persistent friends.  And the love of God and the love of my daughter.  This kind of love will get me by on any kind of day.                                                                                                     

Day 5 – I am Thankful

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I am so thankful tonight for great customer service at Verizon Wireless here in Hastings MN.  The guy I talked to tonight was absolutely wonderful and patient with me when I couldn’t figure out what I was trying to say.  I couldn’t get the words to come out right.  But he figured it out and was patient and helped me figure out how to fix my problem with my phone.  AND, helped me get my new home phone arranged to be hooked up for K.  I’m not prepared to give her her own cell phone yet.  So a home phone will have to do for now.  awwww mean mom  LOL

But huge thankful all the wonderful customer service people out there.  I know I have many friends who work in this field!!  I know you are just as wonderful!  ♥

4th Day of Giving Thanks

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Giving Thanks for Today

I am thankful for good friends.  Tonight I was able to talk to a great friend I hadn’t talked to in a quite awhile.  It was good to catch up.  We don’t live too far away from each other but we don’t see each other enough.  I hope that will change.  We both are busy, but I think we can change that.  I love my friends.

 

 

a morning brain fog: can’t sleep

It’s not just the physical pain that woke me up…well that is what triggered it…..my foot pain is much worse than it should be tonight/this early morning…..I know I over did everything Wednesday.  I had two appointments back to back.  Trying to get in and out of the car with this stupid boot on my foot….I am not supposed to put any weight on my foot….well I did and I am paying for it ….dearly.  And hugely.  My toes are soooo swollen.  They are huge and look like blue fat sausages.

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you’d think after having 3 previous surgeries, I’d learn….I guess I just don’t remember it hurting this bad.  Of course the other docs didn’t take bone marrow out of my heel either to put into my other bones and also didn’t have to take out broke screws that were inside the bones to begin with either.  This surgery was messed up to begin with.  The previous docs were idiots…..idk.

so anyway, i took half a pain pill after getting home with K after her dance practice tonight around 6.  then again around 10 took the other half.  went to bed….about midnight woke with stabbing pain, took another half…..and now again…..stabbing pain…..I hate this.  It’s nearly 4am…I am sitting on my couch with the recliner up….my foot throbbing still.  Can’t take another pill for a bit yet.

So’s anyway, I am whining….complaining.  so let me write something worthwhile to read about if I can.  Let me pick my brain to see if it’s awake enough to come up with something  LOL

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My mind is in a fog, when you are depressed it is almost a tangible thing, like a person. Something you expect to come up behind you and tap you on the shoulder. But when it does, you turn around and find yourself looking in the mirror, because that is all it is, you.

Some days the tears just feel like they want to come out on their own. I do not have anything to cry about, I am happy; life is good. Yet at the slightest inkling of something, I feel the tears coming. It does not matter what it is, just cue the waterworks. I call it my leaky eyes.

Sometimes little things bring it on, like lack of sleep or more importantly a change in routine. Routine is important for someone like me, so depression brings eating the same food over and over, watching the same movie on repeat. Which is how I feel most of the time, sort of like life is on repeat.  Even the change in the weather will do it to me.

Nevertheless, I carry on, move forward with life and try not to isolate myself from the rest of the world in the process. It is tough, like walking through a thick mud when you try to move. Still I’m left to carry on where I left off the day before.

I have a list a mile long of things to be done. Okay, maybe not a mile long, but for me a very long list. I am lucky if I get the top few things on that list done which are typically the easiest things, before I shut down. However, it is what I have do, day in day out. Trying to accomplish as much as I can before that magic moment when I hit my proverbial invisible wall and cannot find the will to continue.

With chronic pain, chronic fatigue, fibro, and a recovering with a broken foot, my list keeps getting longer and my proverbial wall keeps getting taller.  My frustration gets more and more insurmountable.

Most people have at least one person, a spouse, significant other, close friends, relatives, etc that live pretty close to them that are readily available to help and go to bat with and for them.  Well, I have my mom, 2 hours away, who came to be with me and K for my surgery and to stay for a couple days then left to go on her trip to Tennessee with her cousin.  I talk to her daily while on this trip…she checks in to make sure I am ok, but that doesn’t help me physically with this challenging time.  Where is everyone else?  No clue.

I do have relatives in the area.  Probably less than 20 miles away or so.  But I have not heard or seen anything from them.  Pretty sure they know I have had this surgery.  I know they know about my other stuff going on as well.  They do know I am a single mom.  Anyone help out?  Nope.  Have I reached out?  No.  Should I have to?  I don’t think I should have to either.  You would think that people would know from having other friends and family in their lives that sometimes folks just need others.  Maybe I am naive or have too high of expectations.  I don’t know.  Maybe I think they need to be mind readers.  Maybe I do need to call them.  But then that is a risk of me making them feel like I am putting them out.  Would that guilt them into coming all the way over here to help me?  Would that put a crimp in their busy day of doing their family stuff?  I don’t know.

Yes, I am afraid to ask.  I am afraid to ask for help.  Because I have been turned down so many times that I don’t want to bother anyone anymore.  I just do it all by myself.  The only way to get it done is to do it myself.

I don’t know.  I do have friends that would love to help me….but they live states away….Washington, Kansas, Arkansas, Texas, Iowa…etc.  But here I am in Minnesota.  I have friends across the Cities and haven’t heard from any.  Hmmmmmm…….I don’t know.  I just don’t know anymore.

 

 

 

 

Post Labor Day post :)

Well, my Labor Day weekend was AMAZING!!  Let me post a few pictures…then I will try to put into words a bit of how I felt about it.

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Riverside All Staff Reunion 70th Anniversary of the Camp

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The Chapel

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at night before the mime

the next few will be friends from the time when I was a counselor there…1986-87 (we all grewed up)

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This last picture I will post is of Jan and Dave McDermott…..the current Executive Directors of Riverside Lutheran Bible Camp.  They, along with many many other folks have brought this camp back to life and given many many kids the seeds of faith that are planted year after year.  70 years strong.  We planted seeds of faith for many years in many children.  Many have come back to be counselors themselves.  Some have kids that are now campers.

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I have been trying to figure out how to put into words how this weekend stirred in my heart. I have spent time with some of the most wonderful and influential people in my life. These folks had such an impact on me when I was young and trying to figure out who and what God was/is in my life. 25 years later, we meet up again and the feelings still remain. They showed me love and grace and peace that only God can give. They gave me that restoration I needed. God was truly there at Riverside this weekend. I could feel it. I know everyone there could as well. Riverside is a place where the seeds of faith is planted in one way or another. I would not trade these many memories for anything. I would not trade these friends/family for anything either. I love them all. God is and has been sooooo good to me. Thanks for an awesome weekend Riverside Lutheran Bible Camp. Much love to Jan and Dave McDermott.