Life and Everyday

Life as I know it today

Feeling so blah today.  It’s probably the weather.  Been cloudy and rainy and dreary.  Guess we all need some days like this.  I went to the chiropractor this morning.  It didn’t hurt as bad as it has in the past.  Maybe my low back and hip are finally getting together and being ok.  Now it’s the knees that are achy.  Darn arthritis.  I hope that going to Summit Orthopedics will help next week.  Going to try some natural pain relief stuff I hope.  don’t know what that includes.  Probably more PT which is ok by me.

Unpacked some boxes today.  I think about 6 or 7 of them actually, which is pretty good for me in one day.  Ran some of the dishes through the dishwasher as some looked kinda grungy from sitting for 6 months in storage.  Dishwasher works well. YAY!!    I need to find more of my pans and such.  I think I know where they are.  Will do more tomorrow.  I also need to try to arrange some furniture in my living room.  it’s all in the middle…makes it hard to walk around  LOL.  I need to get K’s bed made and stuff like that.  Her room is pretty ok for the most part.  Need to hang pictures and such…but that will come in time. As will the pictures on all the walls.  Gotta arrange the furniture first.  My bedroom is a pit.!!  lol  That will be my last room to organize.  Getting the tv and computers up and in the right spots will be more important.  Especially when K gets here on Saturday.  I have a massage thing tomorrow in Sillwater at 10:30 am then PT at 1.  so after that, I get my butt back to work.  Also need to contact Dakota County about child care referrals.  I need someone to watch K while I am at school for a few hours on Tuesday and Wednesday.  If I can’t find anyone, I will try to get her in the day program over at the YMCA.  I have to finish the paperwork and get that in.  Maybe will run that over tomorrow between appointments.

Life is good here.  Just am finding I am really tired and run down.  Between the physical pain, fibro, lupus stuff, and just plain doing too much.  I am way exhausted.  It’s a thunderstorm night, I am hoping that will help me sleep good.  I love good thunderstorms.  To me they are pretty relaxing as long there isn’t a tornado involved.  :s

Friendships are changing lately.  So much all at once for me.  People had been friends long ago, whom I haven’t seen in 20 some years are now making judgments of me.  I don’t know where they are getting their information as I haven’t spoken to them directly.  But I have prayed, talked to my trusted friends, and prayed some more.  It’s time to let go.  My past does not define who I am today.  Yes it has some bearing on who I am as if I didn’t go through it, I wouldn’t be as strong as I am today.  In therapy this week, Adam and I processed some of this stuff.  The same is true with family.  Sometimes my past seems to crop up and bite me in the butt.  But I have to keep things in perspective….that is who I was THEN, it’s not who I am NOW.  I believe that I am a better person now.  There is more to me than who I used to be.  I have made some better choices in regards to changing my attitude and doing better.  Changing my thinking has been a huge part of this change.  I know that I make mistakes.  I try to learn from them and move on.  I can’t change the past.  I can only do better in my future.  That is the good thing about God.  He forgives me.  He loves me the same as He did yesterday.  He is by me no matter what happens.  He still is my God.

If you want to hear some good news about changing perspectives….join me LifeChurch.tv this week.  It’s week 2 of the series on Changing Perspectives.  It’s been pretty hitting the nail on the head for me.  This week is changing your thoughts.  Changing the way you think.  The link is http://live.lifechurch.tv/  come and see what it’s all about.  I volunteer on Saturday evenings at 6:30pm, Sundays at 8pm, and Wednesdays in the evening.  I volunteer with LifeChurch.  It has made a huge difference in my life.  I hope you will come and check us out.

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Life and Everyday

It’s New Year’s Eve!!

It’s New Year’s Eve…..what’cha gonna do tonight?  K and Robin and I are just gonna hang at home.  I am making a new casserole thing for supper.  It’s called quesadilla casserole.  It looks pretty easy and doesn’t take a real long time to bake either.

K has been playing the Wii pretty much non-stop since getting here yesterday.  She is hooked. LOL  but it keeps her busy and keeps her from saying she is bored.  She is gonna lay down in just a little bit cuz she thinks she can stay up until the ball drops tonight.  little does she know it will be at 11pm here when we watch on tv.  LOL  Still will be fun.

I made it to the grocery store and back today.  My first adventure in Woodbury.  I am so not used to the Cities and driving her yet.  But I will be.  It’s gonna take a bit of time.  Good thing Robin gives good directions.  I just gotta write it all down to where I want and need to be.  First things first, right?

Tuesday she and I will be going to the Washington County DHS or whatever it’s called up here.  gotta get a few things switched over regarding medical and stuff.  I need to get my knee looked at soon.  I am not sure when that will be.  I have to find a doc too.  Then I have to find a hematology doc to get my blood checked as well.  Need my B12 shot the second week of January.  Oh the joys of moving to a completely different place and getting all new docs and things arranged.  OH well, could be worse I spose.  LOL

I don’t mind being in a new place.  It’s like a new adventure.  I am in such a different place emotionally and physically that this time the move isn’t all about mental health.  It’s not running away from anything or stuff like that.  It’s just because I am done at UNI and it’s time to start again.  I don’t feel mentally unhealthy.  or rather unstable as I had so many times before.  It’s nice to not be depressed and all freaked out.  I think it’s all gonna work out well here.  Yes, take some getting used to, but I think I will love it!!

I am not usually into resolutions for the new year.  But since having surgery, I do need to work on my eating.  I need to make some healthier choices.  I need to get out and walk more.  And now I have a walking buddy.  Exciting!!  I want to get a bike later on…maybe early spring.  I see Robin has a bike in her garage…so biking might be fun too.  I think lots of exciting changes will be happening.  I hope to lose more weight in 2012.  71.1 pounds gone so far…..exciting!!

 

Life and Everyday

Beginnings, Endings and Everything In Between

I know I have blogged earlier about a man named Dr. Henry Cloud who wrote a book called “Necessary Endings”.  I believe I shared a video of him talking on that subject as well.  What an awesome message he has to share.

The summer is ending here.  K will start back to school next week.  A new teacher, a handful of new kids, new shoes, and I am sure lots of new stories to tell.  I, too, will be returning to classes in another week.  This is my last year at UNI.  I received all my textbooks that I have ordered from amazon, except for one, which was sent in the wrong edition.  Otherwise I am ready.

I am post op 5 days now.  I am feeling really good.  At times, I get pangs of pain, but it’s nothing that I can’t handle.  I have found that crying hurts and laughing hurts too.  I didn’t realize that so many stomach muscles were involved in the two actions.  I’d much rather laugh tho.  I have cried a few times already due to things beyond my control.  I have found that stress/anxiety is not good for me right now.  It makes the stomach muscles tight and achy.  It’s hard to breathe too.  I have vowed to breathe through whatever comes up right now.  Let me tell you….I certainly know how to breathe.   I wish I could avoid anxiety and stress in general until the healing was more done (not the proper way to say it).  But, to no avail, stress and anxiety are rampant in my life once again.

While I was listening to Dr. Cloud last night, I realized that there are definitely some necessary endings that need to take place in my life.  First and foremost, the way that I eat.  I need to eat for healthy reasons not to stop or stuff a feeling.  I have done really well in that area the past 6-8 months.  But struggling over things with a friend of mine, I find that I want to snack more.  I can’t do that now either.  I know I will get sick.  So instead, I am dealing with the emotions and everything that comes with it now.  It’s not so bad getting right down to it.  It just means I have to be bold in my actions and words.  No half-way about it.

Dr. Cloud mentioned that it takes courage to end stuff.  God will open something up next and it will blow your mind.  He is so right!!  I am using my courage to step out of a hurtful situation, friendship.  Things were said and done on both our parts that should have never happened.  But the truth of the matter is, I feel like I was naive in thinking that someone would not take advantage of me. Especially when this person claimed to be my best friend.  I believe things have been happening over the past year and half or maybe longer.  I trusted her, she broke that trust and I didn’t find out until just a few days ago.  Long story short, this friendship is now her choice to deal with.  I know where I stand and what I want to do.  I am living it.  I will not “beat her over the head” with it, I just am weary of ever being so trusting.  I believe this says more about her than it does about me.

God has bigger plans for me.  I feel it and I see it.  My God is supernatural.  God is alive and He is listening to my thoughts.  I know that if I keep believing that He is my Creator, I can let go of my way of doing things.  He is the creator of my tomorrows.  I know He will take care of whatever is coming next.  As a few of my friends say, “He’s got this one, just like the last one.”

Both beginnings and endings are hard.  Heck, even the in between times are difficult.  But I trust in God and my friends and family.  I know who loves and cares for me.  That is most important.

Life and Everyday

Chazown: Five Spokes

When even one of the major areas of life is not functioning the way God intended, all of life can break down. There are five important spokes, or life areas, where you can live out your Chazown.

The five spokes are:

  • Your Relationship with God
  • Your Relationships with People
  • Your Financial Life
  • Your Physical Life
  • Your Work Life
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THOUGHTS ON FIVE SPOKES


You have selected that you want to work on: People, Physical

If you feel you need to work on all Five Spokes, don’t panic, and don’t try to work on all five at once! Choose the one or two spokes that need the most work and start there. Then, take step after achievable step.

One day, we will all reach the end of our life in one of two ways:

    1. With regret, saying “I could have, I should have, I wish I would have,” or
    2. With no regret, having sought God’s Chazown in each of the Five Spokes – or major areas – of our lives.

Seek God’s Chazown and instead of just ending up somewhere, you will end up somewhere, without regret, on purpose!

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Watching the video of Pastor Craig talking about these five areas was indeed eye-opening for me.  I know the areas that I definitely need to work on.  My areas are PEOPLE and PHYSICAL.  In the next part of Chazown, we look at the action steps/goals to work toward with these 2 areas.  I am excited to be on this path right now.  I have many many friends from LifeChurch.tv who may have done this already or are also in the works of doing it.  The thing I have found though, is that I don’t have a lot of face to face friends here, where I am living now.  Sure I have a ton of friends, but they live all over the States and some of them even overseas at the moment.  So, I hope to incorporate finding some friends around here.  Maybe start going to a church here in town.  I have been thinking about it.  Now I need to just do it.
Regarding my physical body….I know that needs work.  I have treated myself poorly most of my life.  I am hoping with the “jump start” of the weight loss surgery, that I will come to *like* exercising more?  That is the big thing.  I hate exercising now….so I am hoping as I ease my way into walking more, taking another water aerobics class this fall, and doing some other weight lifting type exercises, I will begin to love my body more and take care of it the way God intended me to.
Life and Everyday

This is just STUFF

I wrote this to a group that I am in on yahoo.  Although no one in the group has responded….that is alright.  It’s a comment to something that another gal had written.  I will put her quote down first

This is what t Linda suggested I write down today.  “I have a choice, the power to get out of the (emotional) hole, or to slide deeper into it.”
This is what I wrote in response to that:  I think this is very true.
Next week I celebrate ONE year of being out of the hospital for mental health stuff. My therp Angie is having a celebration for me.  We are having pizza and pop and whatever at the cafeteria at Allen where she works.  We invited people who have been on the journey with me for the past 10 years or so.  I am nervous but excited about all that.
If it weren’t for better choices, I wouldn’t be celebrating this.  Thank you for writing it out.
I don’t know how to get this line back over to the left.  Guess I am not tech savvy yet.  LOL  but anyways, yes…It’s going to be a whole year since being inpatient any where for mental health reasons.  Amazing for me cuz I have spent the last 20 years in and out of the place.  It was my run away place when I didn’t want to deal anymore, at least that is what I call it now for the past few years.  I believe in the beginning it was a good place for me as I was horribly depressed and suicidal.
I have come a long way since I was 18, 19, 20 years old.  There are some very old friends who wish I was back to that same person years ago.  I tell ya, I don’t wanna be.  It was drama after drama.  I am 41 now and just starting to live.  It’s gotta get better than it was.  So far it IS better than it was just even one year ago.
Thanks to family and lots of friends, and GOD, I am here today.  To celebrate.  That’s all I have for tonight.  See you when I blog again tomorrow.  Hugs to all…you know who you are!!
Life and Everyday

Distractions: fighting and/or moving forward

I can’t tell you how many times I have gotten into an argument with a friend or family member.  I am talking the kind of arguments where feelings get hurt and words that cut like knives.  The kind of fighting where both end up hurting and nothing is figured out.

To me it is truly amazing how much words can hurt.  It certainly doesn’t take much.  Sometimes these arguments start out as simple disagreements but then get into huge ongoing fights.  Then you get so into using the right words and the right tactics that you forget what it was that you disagreed about in the first place.  Then it usually ends up…who’s fault is it?  Is it yours?  Is it mine?

God says in Ecclesiastes 10:12; “Wise words bring approval, but fools are destroyed by their own words.”

I was reading something that a friend of mine gave me the other day that was talking about words.  It was actually about tactics that people use to figure out fault.  Let me give you a few examples:

The person shifts the blame or focus by using attempts to confuse you, points out others’ faults, builds self up by putting others down, makes a big scene over something minor, accuses others of misunderstanding, uses anger as a weapon to control others, argues over “words” to avoid the real issue,  and puts others on defense by embarrassing them.

When a person uses words to try to confuse or argues over the wording, it seems like the focus goes then onto the other person.  That other person gets the blame without even knowing what it was that caused the whole thing.  They didn’t see it coming.

Our words can build up a great friendship or destroy the best of one.  Then the broken friendship becomes a distraction.  But it’s God’s amazing love for us that should remind us how we should treat our friends and what to do when we get into hurtful arguments that leave us feeling like we’ve been mistreated.

1 Peter 4:8  “Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.”

When you really love someone the same way Jesus loves us eventually whatever you and your friend argued about becomes less and less important because your friendship is VERY important.

Sometimes people just outgrow the other person.  They are at a different point in their life.  I can see this in my life.  Years ago when I was first diagnosed with dissociative disorder, I scoured the net for a group to join so that I didn’t feel all alone.   I found a group.  It was awesome.  The ladies in this group were welcoming and so very understanding.  Ten years later, I find myself still a part of this group.  I am not where I was 10 years ago by any means.  I mean, the beginning of August we are celebrating a year free from being hospitalized at all for any mental health issues.  I have totally turned the corner on who I am and where I want to be.  But I still belong to this group.  I have grown close to these women.

This week a member that had been there for many years decided it was time for her to leave the group.  She felt she had gotten to a point where she had outgrown the need for that much support.  It was time for her to try out her own wings and fly solo, so to speak.  She is doing great.  She is doing all the things that she wants to be doing.  She is functioning and doing well.  She is able to take care of her family and fury babies too.  It’s amazing to see her “fly”.

In that sense, I also went through a kind of change of sorts.  I had a friendship that totally went to pieces.  (Read a couple prior posts).  Though now we are speaking to each other, I still feel a bit on guard.  I chose my words wisely.  I don’t want to walk on egg shells around my friend….and I won’t.  I will continue to say what I mean and mean what I say.  I still will not apologize for how I feel.

I have this short message from a book by Melody Beattie who is an awesome author of many many books. This is from one of her daily devotions books.

Moving Forward   June 11

Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called recovery.  We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward.  We don’t have to wit for those we love to decide to change as well.

Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change.  We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffereing because we cannot recover for them.  We doesn’t need to suffer wit them.

It doesn’t help.

It doesn’t help for us to stay stuck just because someone we love is stuck.  The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.

Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while other seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love.  We’re accountable for ourselves,  They’re accountable for themselves.  We let them go, and let ourselves grow.

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So with that being said, I am accountable only for myself, my words, my actions, my reactions, and growth.  I realize there are many people who are where I used to be.  But I can’t make it any easier for them.

God has given me everything I need.  He has provided everything that I need at this time.  More money and time would be nice, but I am very ok with what I have.  I have found a sense of contentment.  Despite the things that aren’t the way I WANT them to be in my life.

According to Jeremiah 29:11-14    11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.t I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

Life and Everyday

Necessary Endings

Another friend of mine shared this with me. I think it’s important to remember that sometimes things are necessary to end. This is a short explanation of Dr. Henry Cloud and his book, “Necessary Endings”.

In the previous post, I talked about generosity and giving. Dr. Cloud talks about that sometimes, even in leadership positions, there are necessary endings. To move forward, you have to let go of the things that may be holding you back.

I see this in my friendship that just dissolved. I had been “sick” for so long before and during our friendship, that when while I am getting better and better, maybe she doesn’t know how to respond to the changes I have made in myself. We are both in different spots from when we first met. For me, my life has done a 360. I am definitely not what I used to be.

I have made some significant changes in my life. One of the big one’s is that I stand up for myself. I say the things that I mean to say. Like the saying….I mean what I say and say what I mean. There are some people in my circle of friends that don’t really like this. I figure it’s honesty. I need to tell the truth. But regarding truth….what is truth? It’s different for each person. What is true for you isn’t necessarily true for me. Right? Our realities are different. I have had this drilled into me this past weekend. Can you judge a person by their reality that they live in? Can we actually give constructive criticism for something a person is doing without them telling us that isn’t true because they don’t believe it?

These are things I am struggling with these past few days. What is ok to say to another person without them over-reacting by saying the above things? Is it just being nit-picky or just that they don’t want to admit to what I see or someone else might see in them? I have never encountered a person who questions intentions so often and almost demands that their opinion is right. Does that make sense? Who is right? Who is wrong? Does it really matter in the whole scheme of things? I don’t think friendships should be based on who is right and who is wrong. Sometimes it really doesn’t matter that much.

So moving on is necessary. I am off to buy the book…..I think it will be a good read.

“Necessary Endings”