Another meltdown tonight

parkerpq1K had another meltdown tonight. Enough that it brought the manager down again. Her meltdowns are warranting disturbances to neighbors which are now being told to the manager……now I understand why the manager brought me the letter with big letters that say we need to be out by June 1. K is just causing too much noise to the neighbors. They think she is hurting me. The last one when the police came, she had hurt me.

Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about how I am dealing or not dealing with her behavior. I have asked her what she really needs from me. What can mom do to make this easier for you? She tells me, “I don’t know”. So I keep embracing K which does not mean that I am ignoring her misbehavior. I am trying to tailor how I respond to her behavior in a way that makes more sense to her. But this is also my hang up too. I run out of effective ways to respond. Her reactions are like fireworks and the explovsives are everywhere. But I am trying.

I went to my therapy today and as I was talking, my therapist said something to me that was like a dagger in my heart. He said to me,”you give up your dream of who K should have been and accept her for who she is”. super mom He told me that I will be able to match my response to K’s behavior and then become an effective parent.

Acceptance. I understand but I had never realized that I had always wanted to much more for her. For her to be different, like my friend’s daughters. Stab my heart. I cried and cried and cried. How do I even accept myself? Not just with this, but just finding out that I have been diagnosed with a genetic disorder that doesn’t have a cure. I go in for an echocardiogram tomorrow morning (the 7th). I am scared. I am a single mom. I don’t have anyone to be with me. I have been trying to to increase my support system. But I work on K’s first, make sure she has everything she needs first. Then first in my own stuff. I am working on controlling my emotions right now because K sees me cry, and she worries too much. She tells me that I’m not trying hard enough.  Trying what not hard enough?
I don’t know what to do now?  Control my emotions.  That is what I do.  Breathe.  Keep my mouth shut and listen.  Meditation.  Breathe.  Don’t talk.  Listen. Clench my teeth, but do not say a word, just listen.  But always tell K that I love her, no matter what, no matter where.  Always and forever.  From the moon and around the sun….in the stars and back again.  Patience.  Smile.  Breathe.  Listen.  Smile.  Love her.  Just love on her.more patience

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Talk about moods!

Talk about volatile moods….holy shit.  Rapid cycling or whatever.  I hate being bipolar sometimes.  I hate this.  I hate my illness.

I haven’t felt like this in awhile, which is very hard for me.  I actually had feelings of wanting out.  Wanting to cut.  Wanting to take more xanax than I need to tonight.  But I can’t.  I have to drive tomorrow.  I have to take K to Iowa for that stupid birthday party.

Some of what fed into my cycle was what she did tonight as well.  Another bout of her attitude and smart mouth and anger and pissy-ness.  She peeled the wallpaper again off the f’n wall in her bedroom.  We live in an apartment.  I can’t afford for her to keep doing this.  I don’t have the money to pay for the landlords to repaper her room.  I can’t even afford for anything the rest of this month.  I have $58 to my name for the rest of October…how the hell am I supposed to support my ass and hers and it’s only the 4th of October?

My fucked up foot.  I can’t work yet.  I can’t do anything.  I just want to ditch the crutches and whatever and go find a stupid ass job and get some money.  I hate this.  I can’t live on this little check I get a month.  Paying $700 a month for this little shit ass apartment.  It sucks.  I don’t even have money to pay for the rest of my medicine this month.  I just want to give up.

Life sucks.

 

a morning brain fog: can’t sleep

It’s not just the physical pain that woke me up…well that is what triggered it…..my foot pain is much worse than it should be tonight/this early morning…..I know I over did everything Wednesday.  I had two appointments back to back.  Trying to get in and out of the car with this stupid boot on my foot….I am not supposed to put any weight on my foot….well I did and I am paying for it ….dearly.  And hugely.  My toes are soooo swollen.  They are huge and look like blue fat sausages.

sausage toes 9.18

 

you’d think after having 3 previous surgeries, I’d learn….I guess I just don’t remember it hurting this bad.  Of course the other docs didn’t take bone marrow out of my heel either to put into my other bones and also didn’t have to take out broke screws that were inside the bones to begin with either.  This surgery was messed up to begin with.  The previous docs were idiots…..idk.

so anyway, i took half a pain pill after getting home with K after her dance practice tonight around 6.  then again around 10 took the other half.  went to bed….about midnight woke with stabbing pain, took another half…..and now again…..stabbing pain…..I hate this.  It’s nearly 4am…I am sitting on my couch with the recliner up….my foot throbbing still.  Can’t take another pill for a bit yet.

So’s anyway, I am whining….complaining.  so let me write something worthwhile to read about if I can.  Let me pick my brain to see if it’s awake enough to come up with something  LOL

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My mind is in a fog, when you are depressed it is almost a tangible thing, like a person. Something you expect to come up behind you and tap you on the shoulder. But when it does, you turn around and find yourself looking in the mirror, because that is all it is, you.

Some days the tears just feel like they want to come out on their own. I do not have anything to cry about, I am happy; life is good. Yet at the slightest inkling of something, I feel the tears coming. It does not matter what it is, just cue the waterworks. I call it my leaky eyes.

Sometimes little things bring it on, like lack of sleep or more importantly a change in routine. Routine is important for someone like me, so depression brings eating the same food over and over, watching the same movie on repeat. Which is how I feel most of the time, sort of like life is on repeat.  Even the change in the weather will do it to me.

Nevertheless, I carry on, move forward with life and try not to isolate myself from the rest of the world in the process. It is tough, like walking through a thick mud when you try to move. Still I’m left to carry on where I left off the day before.

I have a list a mile long of things to be done. Okay, maybe not a mile long, but for me a very long list. I am lucky if I get the top few things on that list done which are typically the easiest things, before I shut down. However, it is what I have do, day in day out. Trying to accomplish as much as I can before that magic moment when I hit my proverbial invisible wall and cannot find the will to continue.

With chronic pain, chronic fatigue, fibro, and a recovering with a broken foot, my list keeps getting longer and my proverbial wall keeps getting taller.  My frustration gets more and more insurmountable.

Most people have at least one person, a spouse, significant other, close friends, relatives, etc that live pretty close to them that are readily available to help and go to bat with and for them.  Well, I have my mom, 2 hours away, who came to be with me and K for my surgery and to stay for a couple days then left to go on her trip to Tennessee with her cousin.  I talk to her daily while on this trip…she checks in to make sure I am ok, but that doesn’t help me physically with this challenging time.  Where is everyone else?  No clue.

I do have relatives in the area.  Probably less than 20 miles away or so.  But I have not heard or seen anything from them.  Pretty sure they know I have had this surgery.  I know they know about my other stuff going on as well.  They do know I am a single mom.  Anyone help out?  Nope.  Have I reached out?  No.  Should I have to?  I don’t think I should have to either.  You would think that people would know from having other friends and family in their lives that sometimes folks just need others.  Maybe I am naive or have too high of expectations.  I don’t know.  Maybe I think they need to be mind readers.  Maybe I do need to call them.  But then that is a risk of me making them feel like I am putting them out.  Would that guilt them into coming all the way over here to help me?  Would that put a crimp in their busy day of doing their family stuff?  I don’t know.

Yes, I am afraid to ask.  I am afraid to ask for help.  Because I have been turned down so many times that I don’t want to bother anyone anymore.  I just do it all by myself.  The only way to get it done is to do it myself.

I don’t know.  I do have friends that would love to help me….but they live states away….Washington, Kansas, Arkansas, Texas, Iowa…etc.  But here I am in Minnesota.  I have friends across the Cities and haven’t heard from any.  Hmmmmmm…….I don’t know.  I just don’t know anymore.

 

 

 

 

Not enough?

 

I feel like I am not doing enough…

It is sooo easy to get caught up when things feel like they are dragging and then next thing you know you are not doing very well.

Foodwise I am not doing very well,  I need to do better. I need to cook up other stuff, make things more interesting. I have been so tired that I haven’t really wanted to do much cooking.  It’s been so hot…don’t want to turn the oven on.  Having K back has been an adjustment.  I need to have some kid friendly foods too.  I can’t blame her for my eating habits lately tho.

Speaking of tired, I am pretty sure it had to do with my low levels of Vit D. I haven’t had complete blood work done for about 3 or 4 months now. I get vit B12 shots every month.  Maybe I need a B1???

Physically- I am slacking… I need to start moving my butt…big time. I know I could be doing so much more better if I got in regular exercise. Part of it honestly was the low vit D, because all I wanted to do was sleep.  Having K here is great, she keeps me up and busy…but I am not getting to the YMCA like I want.  The hours are so different here than in Woodbury.  Plus, there is a daycare issue.  I took her with me one morning when I went to do water aerobics….she could say in the shallow end.  Boy was that difficult.  She didn’t want to leave when it was all done.  We had been there about an hour and half.  Stubborn little cuss.

But part of it has just been me being lazy… so I am thinking, at least some yoga, as well as toning, and some more water aerobics.  I really need to get this moving.  I have been stalled out now for about 2 1/2 to 3 months.  My weight hasn’t really fluctuated at all.  But I feel FAT.

Truthfully sometimes I really doubt myself, and I know I need to cut that out. I can get to goal, I can reach a much lower weight (one I have never even seen in my adult life). But sometimes it still feels like a really far off dream. You know how you look around sometimes and see others that have done it, and it’s like, could that really be me? I so badly want this. Some days its easier to visualize it than others though. Today is rougher…but I think days like this are what make or break you, they matter most because you have to just push through them and keep going. Other days…like the week I lost a ton of weight  are a cake walk (minus the cake lol). The hard days are what get you to the good days again.

I suppose that is true for life in general and not just the journey of losing weight.

another rough day

It was another rough day with K.  She was either very tired or just needed/wanted to push limits.  She did fairly well at Mayo Clinic with Robin and me.  I got my shot in my knee.  Robin took her to get some breakfast and they rode up and down the escalators for the 45 minutes I was in for my appointment.  LOL  the small joys of life.

The drive home was a bit rough.  Lots of I want and YOU need to let me…..

then the crying starts in.  and more whining.  uffda….I have a hard time with the whining part.  Came very close to losing my cool with her.

So we took her to get her hair cut after we got back home.  She even was a pistol in there.  Acting like a little kid.  She is 8 but acting more like a 3 year old.  I don’t know how to get her to “grow up” to her age of 8.  It’s so difficult to keep my cool when she is like that.  But I did.  We didn’t do anything today after that.  We get back home and she was still in her funk.  Finally, I just said, ok, that’s it.  Let’s go up stairs.  We are gonna lay down.  She was asleep within 15 minutes.  I laid up there with her.  I read a book while she slept.  She ended up sleeping almost 2 hours.  She woke up in a bit of a better mood.  Until she figured out that she couldn’t be on the Wii all evening.  another meltdown.  uffda.  I tell ya.  I just don’t know how to make this better for her.  She can’t always have everything she wants or thinks she needs.

I don’t know.  I think my parenting skills have gone out the window.  I try.  Lord knows I try.  But I don’t know what to do anymore.  I see where my mom has so many difficulties with her.  Why does everything seem so hard with her?

On a different note…..got some new clothes again today.  AMAZING!!  I am in a size that is 4 sizes smaller than last year at this time.  I am just floored.  My weight has kind of plateau’ed for the past couple weeks, but my inches are still coming off.  So I think that would still be a small victory.  I got 3 new pair of capri’s.  A couple shirts too.  I love it.  The only thing about WLS that suck is the skin that hangs after losing weight.  Seems I got plenty of that.  LOL  Maybe when I get down more towards my goal weight, I can have some of that taken off.  Will have to see how much that will cost etc.

I leave for Iowa on Sunday.  I will be at my mom’s doin the mom thing for about 2 weeks while she is in Texas.  I hope K’s behavior is better by that time.  I have no clue what I will be doing while there.  I don’t have anything there.  I will take my computer and my kindle and some paperwork I need to get done.  Maybe I can apply for jobs while there.  I don’t know.  What if they call for an interview while I am still there?  hmmm….will have to see how the time goes while there.  Y’all have to talk to me!  lol

Frustration

 

I haven’t been dealing with my frustrations very well lately.  I think it’s increased with K here with me.  She is your typical 8 year old.  Asking why, or what did you say, when you have repeated yourself 10 times already!  She wants to be so close to me all the time.  I know it’s because I am not with her on a daily basis.  I love that she is affectionate and I know she loves me.  She almost smothers me with it, which drives me nuts.  I reassure her that I love her and always will.  But she still sits so close to me that she is almost sitting on top of me.

She needs that constant reassurance.  I don’t know how much more I can do in that.  Everyday we talk, I give her hugs, I tell her I love her.  I am trying to do things with her and give her my attention.  But it never seems enough for her.  I get frustrated.  Not just with her but myself.  I keep thinking, even if she can come back home to me, will it be like this for the rest of her life/my life?  Have I let her down so much that she will need that constant reassurance?  Did I really screw her up?  And how in the world do I fix it?

I read this article tonight about being a good parent.  Here is where I got this info:  http://familydoctor.org/familydoctor/en/pregnancy-newborns/caring-for-newborns/parenting/parenting-tips.html

How can I be a good parent?

There’s not just one right way to raise children. And there’s no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child. But here are some guidelines to help your children grow up healthy and happy:

 

  • Show your love. Every day, tell your children: “I love you. You’re special to me.” Give lots of hugs and kisses.
  • Listen when your children talk. Listening to your children tells them that you think they’re important and that you’re interested in what they have to say.
  • Make your children feel safe. Comfort them when they’re scared. Show them you’ve taken steps to protect them.
  • Provide order in their lives. Keep a regular schedule of meals, naps and bedtimes. If you have to change the schedule, tell them about the changes ahead of time.
  • Praise your children. When your children learn something new or behave well, tell them you’re proud of them.
  • Criticize the behavior, not the child. When your child makes a mistake, don’t say, “You were bad.” Instead, explain what the child did wrong. For example, say: “Running into the street without looking isn’t safe.” Then tell the child what to do instead: “First, look both ways for cars.”
  • Be consistent. Your rules don’t have to be the same ones other parents have, but they do need to be clear and consistent. (Consistent means the rules are the same all the time.) If 2 parents are raising a child, both need to use the same rules. Also, make sure baby-sitters and relatives know (and follow) your family rules.
  • Spend time with your children. Do things together, such as reading, walking, playing and cleaning the house. What children want most is your attention. Bad behavior is usually an attempt to get your attention.

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I feel like I do most of these things.  The schedule thing is difficult because she is not with me all the time.  But when she is, I try to keep her on a schedule.  I set rules and stick to them.  She tells me numerous times that I am mean.  But then will back that with I love you though.  This is so difficult being with her.  I wish the court stuff would start soon and then be done and over with.  I want her home with me.  I want to be her full time mom again.  Maybe the frustration will lessen then?  

Sometimes this is what I really hate about myself.  I know I am trying to do and be my best with her.  Provide her with opportunities that I didn’t have.  Give her the things I know she needs.  But I know I have hurt her.  Emotionally.  She lives with grandma.  It kills me.  I am sure hurts her just as much.  I just wanna fix this whole thing and I can’t.   I can’t really do anymore than what I am right now.

I don’t know.  I just don’t know.

 

angry…..frustrated……

So, when does the anger and frustration let up?  seems I have been angry for a long time.  I just want all these feelings to just go away.

I feel pissed at everything and everyone.  I spose I have some pretty valid reasons for some of it.  but waking up pissed at the world isn’t going to get me anywhere.

Criticism.  That’s what it is.  That is what is getting me worked up.  All these people that “mean well”.  well, yeah.

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there is soooo much stuff out of my control.  why is that so hard?  why is it hard to let go and just be?  I know I am not the center of universe….nor do I want to be but holy crap, I just need to let go.  letting go is so hard.  i keep holding on to stuff, people, hopes, etc…..way beyond the time of actually being able to do a damn thing about it.

stupid tears.  i feel like i have been crying for days now.  the stupid tears just won’t stop.  what the hell is happening to me?  i am falling apart, piece by piece.

stupid.  angry.  i want it to all just go away.